Layers

[Blaqueen]

Sometimes - no, make that most of the time - life sucks.

I've now decided I'm an onion instead of a shallot (I used to think I was a shallot because I had so many damn layers which have either been or are being painstakingly dealt with.)

But now I've come to the conclusion I'm a great big, fat, bulbous yellow onion because I keep discovering fresh layers - well, not entirely 'fresh' . . .they've been festering away under the surface since I was tiny, (oh, and they make me cry just as hard as the ones I already knew were there.)

But WHY! Why do I keep discovering new, painful layers to my already ridiculously complicated self. For what reason - isn't there already enough to deal with?

My new layer is an inextricable fear of death - not my own - my parents. I'm a young 44 but feel that because I screwed them around so much as a kid I WANT to be there as far as possible for them now. And they're old - both in their 80s - and I'm blessed that they're both in good health.

But when I leave them (we live about 200 miles apart) I grieve - I can't help it. I deTEST leaving them, for my time with them is the only real time I feel safe...calm....protected....loved....valued.....respected.....the list goes on. They still treat me like their little girl and I crave it. Life at the moment is everything NOT on that list - fearful, chaotic, lonely, self-loathsome, lost........so my time with them gives me somes semblance of everything's-ok-ness

That happened today. When I returned home to my dismal, pokey excuse for a flat I was bereft. A huge, ghastly pang of emptiness almost winded me......I was too depressed to even unpack.

I fear losing them because I don't feel like I've had enough time with them - I want them in my life forever so that one day I can finally show them I'm ok. I treasure every minute I have with them and show gratitude every day for the fact they are still here.

But I still have that fear.

Anyway, here I am. In bed, writing down my thoughts. I will now go and call in my cat (my significant other) inside and try to get some sleep.

Tomorrow I may explose another layer.......who knows.

Night

Bq x

[Hidden]

Very interesting blog Blaqueen.

I am reading this at 2am so will reply properly later.

Sleep well

Grog

xxx

[Blaqueen in reply to Hidden]

Thank you xxx

[ruby4me]

Hi Bia I was so moved by your blog that I felt compelled to reply. I feel that you are. In a bad place at the moment( We've all been there !) and your parents seem to be the only stable thing In your life, and this is why you worry so much about losing them. But as you start to feel better, which you will given time believe me you will not live in fear for them and will just have the normal concerns that everyone has for their dear family Hope I don't come across as patronising and I wish you well Ruby xx

[Blaqueen in reply to ruby4me]

Ooops - I posted my reply in the wrong box! x

[Hidden in reply to Blaqueen]

Hi Ya

Said I would come back!

I am speaking from the other end of the scale.

My wife and myself are both ancient and have a daughter also 44 who lives a whole long long mile away!

We are both in poor health and yet she never comes to see us.

How I wish that we had a daughter like you who obviously loves and cares for her parents,

You should be proud of yourself.

[Blaqueen in reply to Hidden]

Thank you so much. It must be very hard for you and I wish you both love and light xxx

[Blaqueen]

Ruby thank you so much for your kind and wise words.

I have felt better - and I have felt worse - so I know I will most probably be ok

Thanks for taking the time to reply - you made me smile xx

[gardengnome]

So feel the same, parents in 70s, realise my thinking is same as when grand mas got old, mourning before they even passed away, all the tears had been shed before they were gone. Keep the laughter for now time enough for tears later.

[Blaqueen in reply to gardengnome]

omg - so true! You're right "all the tears had been shed before they were gone."

Making a concerted effort to keep the laughter for now

Thanks so much xx