so heartbroken

[Danzdanz123]

My Grandma passed away 4 days into this year, we were so very close I used to even look after her a lot and she’s always been one of my biggest inspirations I was influenced by her massively she was one of a kind and made the world seem so magical, she valued life so much I don’t think I ever saw someone value life as much as she did especially through all the hard times she had. Her health has deteriorated in the past few years and it had come to her sitting living sleeping in her chair she couldn’t do very much at all, I wanted her to get better and I said to her gran you haven’t got much quality of life and she said are you joking just seeing just breathing that’s my quality of life. The first few months of her passing I was numb and held it together I got moved departments at work so had to train don’t particularly like this job I went to Edinburgh in memory of her as she was polish and when she was 6 she immigrated to Haddington it was such a wholesome trip. Around April I had a panic attack and got some form existential dread ever since my world feels bizzare it feels like I’m in a horror movie and that my world is just going to collapse on me I’m frightened of it I cry everyday I miss her so much but when I cry and grieve her it turns into anxiety and panic attacks. When I confide in people they say she’s no longer suffering anymore which is true but it doesn’t help. It makes me question why am I feeling like this and why has all of my family found some form of peace with it.

[chloe40 Administrator]

Hello Danzdanz123

I am truly sorry for the loss and sadness you are feeling.

You're Grandma was a very special lady and you have so many beautiful memories of a beautiful person.

I am thinking that you didn't give yourself the chance to grieve properly and chose to keep busy, which effectively blocks the pain out. Now it seems to have caught up with you and I'm really sorry your suffering. Panic attack are very scary, and there are ways to control them @Danzdn123

I would have a chat with your doctor, they can help and you could also self refer for therapy these days, I think you'd really benefit from talking this though.

You're always welcome to post here and find support.

Here are a few way to help too,

You can make a memory box, and fill it with little items that mean so much to you, photos, birthday cards, anything at all, keep it close to you at home, maybe in your bedroom (I keep mine under my bed) and take it out when I want to reflect, it helps.

Try a Mindfulness exercise, even a quick Mindfulness bodyscan which only takes 10-12mins.

Practise the breathing exercises to control panic attacks:

Look up NHS panic attacks for these.

Keep in touch and keep talking, take care.

Chloe

[Danzdanz123 in reply to chloe40]

hi thank you so much, she was wonderful lady I felt like I didn’t deserve her, it’s hard to move on especially when something was the world you knew! I try and get a little box of things I feel like do have that one of her bags I keep a couple of her things in there. I’ve been seeing a therapist but I think I need one that specialises in bereavement. I’ve been to my doctors and they have me something to help the panic attacks. Thank you your comment means a lot to me

[chloe40 Administrator in reply to Danzdanz123]

You're very welcome Danzdanz123

Please keep in touch, our forum has lots of lovely members <3

[Caza]

Gosh I found your post very moving. What a lovely lady your Grandma sounds. & what lovely memories you have & they will stay with you forever.

Agree with everything Chloe has said. You take care. It sounds like you very lucky to have your grandma & she you x

[Danzdanz123 in reply to Caza]

thank you that means so much 💗