Will it ever be the same?

Hello everyone, I am new here. My name is Anne-Marie. I lost my mum to cancer when I was 18, a couple of weeks after I started uni. I was fine for the first 6 months or so, maybe a bit too fine, everyone was scared that I would 'blow up' at some point... which happened eventually, but not because of my mum's death directly, but because of the anxiety that came with having to face life alone so abruptly. I was on sertraline for half a year and I am now coming off it. I don't feel depressed in a sense, I just feel a sense of regret that I didn't get to spend more time with my mum. And I am very upset that she didn't get to see how well I am doing at uni and in life generally, because she would have been so proud of me. I never cry when I talk about her to others and everyone is shocked by how relaxed I am when I talk about it... but there is this emptiness inside me, like I don't see reasons to go on anymore... I just wish I could talk to her for a bit more and I am sooo scared that this emptiness will never go away, this hopelessness will always be a part of me. So will it ever get better in any way? I forgot to mention that I am now 20 and it's been almost a couple of years since she passed.

[jaykay777]

Welcome, Annie. If you don't see reasons to go on anymore, you may be depressed. Your mother would want you to feel proud of yourself now. You may benefit from some kind of talk therapy. Ask at your university or a medical source for a referral to someone to talk to. I'm guessing that you are in U.K., and since I'm not, I'm not sure of the correct term for the kind of specialist you can consult. You will always miss your mother, but the constant emptiness will leave you.

[Hidden in reply to jaykay777]

Thank you, I don't mean I am suicidal, I just mean that I've lost any motivation... my depression is arising from my constant anxiety of 'what is going to happen next' and my depressing thoughts are always like 'I don't want to feel like this anymore, i'm over reacting to everything'. But thanks you for your advice. x

[chloe40 Administrator]

Hi there Hidden

Welcome to our friendly, supportive Community, we're very pleased you've found us.

I really am so very sorry to read of the loss of you Mum Annie, that's a terrible shock for anyone to go through but particularly when you are so young.You've been through such trauma and I am not surprised you have been on anti-depressants, take your time coming off them and be guided by your GP.

Not being able to tell you Mum about your progress or any news is something I can relate to, it hurts, it really does but with time, it will turn to a pang that you can live with. She would be so very proud of you Annie, always remember that.

The emptiness you feel is I believe, shock, the suddenness of her loss and you just starting Uni, didn't give you the opportunity to talk about your Mum but I believe it's important for you to do so Annie, you need to for your own sake.

You have much to go on for, write all your news that you wanted to tell your Mum down on paper, every last word and put it in a memory box. You can make or find a lovely box and fill it with your news, photos of your Mum, little gifts she may have bought you, anything that reminds you of her and you can look through this whenever you wish.

We are always here for you Annie, always, please do stay in touch.

Chloe x (hugs)

[Hidden in reply to chloe40]

Thank you so much for your kind words and advice! xx

[abirke in reply to chloe40]

Good call Chloe, a journal is very healing...It's been awhile , but I too have one...

[Hidden]

Hello Annie

I am so sorry that you have lost your mum. Cancer can be a terrible and cruel disease and it does not descriminate. Grief manifests itself in many different ways and there is no set pattern. Some people cry, others do not or cannot cry - that is ok. Anxiety can occur as a result of grief and you describe how you felt anxiety at having to face life alone so abruptly. I cannot even begin to imagine how this must feel at such a young age. I know you mention a 'blow-up' at this time and I presume this was when you started taking Sertraline. Feeling guilt and/or regret is a normal part of grieving, in particular feeling that we did not do enough for our loved ones before they died. In time, I am sure you will be able to look back and see that you did the best you could at the time.

You speak of feeling an emptiness inside and a hopelessness. These are all emotions that can be felt when grieving. You mention that you see reasons not to go on anymore. Annie I do feel you may benefit by talking to someone about the way you feel. I think it would be a good idea to go back to your GP and tell him/her how you are feeling. Or maybe it would be easier to enquire at your University. Annie, you will always miss your mum but with time the emptiness/hopelessness you describe will lessen and hopefully disappear, give yourself time.

I know you say you wish you could speak to your mum more. Do you think it would be helpful to maybe write your mum a letter? I lost my partner over 2 years ago and I speak aloud to him at home. Do you think this could work for you?

You are doing well at Uni and in life. Be kind to yourself, be proud of yourself. Your mum is a part of you Annie and will always be with you, in your heart.

Take good care. We are always here for you.

Lottie x

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

Thank you for your kind words. My 'blow up' phase was just a month during which my dad struggled to have a permanent job, we barely had enough money to survive, my boyfriend was a victim of fraud and I had exams. It was just a massive peak of stress that triggered me to think about my mum's death a lot more, and I ended up having nightmares (to clarify, I had a dream once where my mum protected me from a fire and then disappeared. During my dream I got to that stage where I realised I was dreaming, so I told myself that when i wake up I would call my mum to thank her for saving me in my dream, and when I woke up and realised I can't call her I started screaming). After that phase, I started to get scared every time I would get a phone call from an unknown number, every time I would get a letter from the bank or anything that triggered me to think of any little problem. I was so constantly scared that something bad was going to happen that it lead me to having suicidal thoughts 'I don't want to live like this anymore, I can't enjoy anything'. I went counselling and my counsellor referred me to my GP and a couple of months later I started taking antidepressants. I got counselling and it helped, but right now I am in a work placement (full time job for one year) and can't afford to go and talk to someone... I don't feel as bad as I did last year, but I am starting to worry that after I completely come off the meds, I will go back to that dark place...My life is actually great, I've been with my very supportive boyfriend for 3 and a half years now, I have a full time job, I'm getting top marks in everything at uni, i have a lot of friends, but I just always focus on the negatives like what if we can't pay the rent, what if my dad hurts himself and can't work anymore, basically stuff that 'could' happen, but 'doesn't' happen yet.

[Hidden]

Hello Annie,

I am not surprised you feel anxious. Nightmares do not help either, but they could be a symptom of your anxiety and your grief.

Your Dad (and you?) are now responsible for the rent, etc. You have had to grow up very quickly. You have lost your mum through cancer and have since faced a time where you wondered if you had enough money to survive due to circumstances beyond anyones control. You are having to face responsibilities that someone of your age at Uni would not normally have to face.

Annie, the negatives will be foremost for you. The 'what happens if.....' probably because you now know that things can happen that are beyond your control which can result in loss. That would shake the foundation of any adult let alone one at such a tender age as you.

Yet despite this you say life is actually great with a supportive boyfriend, top marks at uni, a full-time job and lots of friends. Annie I think you are amazing considering what you have been through. I still feel that you would benefit from talking with someone about your anxieties. I am not sure whether you are in the UK. If you are, you can seek help through CRUSE bereavement and care. They will visit you at home and some do evening visits, the cost is donation only, what you can afford. Have a look at their website. There may be counsellors in your area that offer counselling at greatly reduced rates (They do not advertise this) but if you contact your local mental health trust (NHS) they may be able to give you telephone numbers. I hope this helps.

In time your anxieties will lessen. Be kind to yourself Annie and be proud of yourself. You are doing remarkably well.

Lottie x

[abirke]

I am so sorry of your loss. You are too young to have to suffer this experience. However life doesn't give us all happy experiences. What it does give us is the ability to rely on the happy memories of your mother and realize that no amount of regret will change the outcome. Most mother's know how their children are doing and how they will do as they grow up. Your mother had a sense of pride that allowed you to become the person you are.... you can trust me when I say she knew who you were gonna be long before you were that person! I am a mom of 20 somethings . Their dad died this past March, but he knew who they were and was very proud of them, as am I....that's what good parents do; they, "Train up a child in the way they should go" that's from Proverbs 22:6

So no regrets my dear , no what ifs....and though anger certainly is a part of grief, let the joy of what you and your mum had together be the basis of your new journey. Loneliness, facing life alone...well darlin I cannot say I have conquered this one yet, but I can say that reaching out to others is ok.....go ahead, cry in front of them; scream; let your sad self be comforted and rely on them; do not go this alone....even when "alone" is with a bunch of people...

There's one other who wants you to lean on Him....God....through prayer He can be and may be the only comfort you can realize for awhile...He wants to be there for you.

Continue on this site we are all here to give each other a hug , a laugh and or a word of wisdom....

if you don't mind I would like to leave you with these words of wisdom from the Bible.

Sincerely and with a virtual (((HUG))),

AVB

Behold the Lord's hand is not shortened that it cannot save; neither His ear heavy that it cannot hear....Isaiah 59:1 pray

God is our refuge and strength, a very help in times of trouble....Psalm 46:1 trust

Casting all your care upon Him for He cares for YOU, (Annie Piff) 1 Peter:5:7

[Hidden in reply to abirke]

Thank you for your kind words ❤️😭

[Natsteveo]

Hello and welcome Hidden well you have come to the right place my love and you have had some amazing advice from our lovely followers..well I can also relate to your pain too I lost my beautiful mum to cancer it was awful and very painful but from diagnosis to her death took 7 weeks 2 days and in my arms she left with me singing to her..the way you have explained how your feeling is typical anxiety and depression brought on through your loss no-one grieves the same way and there isn't a time limit.

With you being so young too will impact on you hugely as your trying to juggle uni and looking after everything that your mum would probably usually do is now something u have took on yourself... seems to me that you haven't had time to process whAt you have been through so your worrying about things but sweetheart your only 20 years old you have a fabulous future ahead of you use may not seem like it at the minute but things do get slightly easier you will pro a lying always feel that loss feeling because she's your mum we never get over losing our queens we just take things day by day and push through everyday somehow but we do it.

I still have that mum need in the pit of my tummy after 10 years but nobody react the same...

Don't come off your anti depressants until you feel u want or need too especially if they are helping somehow..but @chloe is right.do a memory box I have it's got lovely keepsakes in it her favourite dvd cards I've sent her cards she sent me there's pictures her favourite perfume and hand cream all our photos together are in there it's a memory box of us and our lives and loves we shared and when I get upset I will take out my memory box and scout through it.and think of all the good times we had even though it don't make it any easier it is somewhat comforting..also you can buy a star in the sky and name it after her

Here if u need a chat

Love Nat xxx

[Hidden in reply to Natsteveo]

Thank you so much for your kind words! So sorry for your loss 😪