Should we return to work so soon after a loss?

[chloe40]

I would suddenly sob out of the blue in the weeks after my Dad died and this could have had consequences.

My employers were pretty understanding but I did pressurise myself to return after a week, but is that enough?

Chloe

[Dolphin14]

chloe40

My job allowed 3 shifts off. I had a sister die from sudden death and the details of the whole situation reactivated my PTSD. I didn't realize this at first

I asked for one extra shift off as I didn't feel quite right. I was told No. I went back and made it three months with worsening symptoms of being re traumatized by her death. I didn't realize what was happening to me but I was slowly falling into the depression hole.

Anyway, without getting into the PTSD portion, I wonder if maybe getting the one day and seeing if I might need to extend longer would have saved me. I will never know this.

I do think some deaths hit harder and some flexibility in the policies would be a great help.

❤️🐬

[chloe40 Administrator in reply to Dolphin14]

Hi Dolphin14

I can understand how a sudden loss in the family could trigger a return of symptoms, and 3 shifts isn't anywhere near enough to come to acceptance. Yes, there should be flexibility, a choice of how long we take off within parameters, and I'm really sorry that this affected your PTSD.

Depression seems to affect us all after loss, and that's another reason to be flexible.

Take care Dolphin <3

[kenster1 Volunteer]

when my dad died an investigation took place into his death at the hospital it was over 3 weeks from death to funeral and I was being hounded every couple of days as I didn`t think they believed me. he was laid to rest on the Saturday and I was back at work on the Monday.

[chloe40 Administrator in reply to kenster1]

I am sorry Kenny kenster1

That's just so unfair and shows a total lack of compassion <3

[gracy225]

How awful...who would lie about such a thing??

[kenster1 Volunteer in reply to gracy225]

yes tell me about it more a case of they might have thought the funeral had been and I just wanted more time off. my dad had cancer but fell in hospital broke his leg and died of an infection after removing the pins in his leg a nurse was with him but they denied it so an investigation took place meaning it was roughly a month.

[gracy225 in reply to kenster1]

I am so deeply sorry for your tragic loss. xgracy

[Caza]

I went back just a week after my daughter died, much too soon. I worked with children who had severe behavioural problems stemming from their home life. The stories I could tell you would be quite heartbreaking & horrendous. These children need continuity, for me to have taken even that week off would have been very disturbing for them. So I felt I owed it to them. I coped well at work but as soon as I got in my car I would howl. I wasn’t copping at home.

I managed 18 months, the children then were moving to secondary school so I then decided to leave. The head wouldn’t accept my resignation & gave me a year off. I did two school journeys for them & the odd day here & there but didn’t have my own group of children. After the yr I decided not to go back. It was a tough decision, I really loved my job & still miss it.

But at home I was a mess & little did I know bad things would just keep on happening.

Some of the staff/ colleagues were good some not so good. I did find out that they called a staff meeting about me. Apparently they were concerned that I hope no plans for Christmas that year 🙄 really my daughter had not long died. That really hurt talking behind my back. Oh well all in the past.

A funny story- my first day back one of the little lads came running over to me & miss miss have you been ill. Well sorted of, I said. Well when you’re off work do you get paid. Why Auden do I owe you any money? No Miss but it’s been your birthday & you haven’t brought in any sweets 🤣🤣 Sweets were handed out the next day! I can’t tell you how much that helped me being back.

[chloe40 Administrator in reply to Caza]

Hi Caza

You're so selfless! to put others before yourself at such a time amazes me, but I can totally understand why.

A meeting behind your back, is hurtful Caza and it still hurts you, these memories tend to lodge in our memories, such a shame.

I just love the children's words, bless them, brought a smile to my face too!

Chloe<3

[Caza in reply to chloe40]

Thank you Chloe for your kind words.

Children make me happy even though some of them were quite challenging to say the least.

I think everyone has to do what works for them. I do think had I not gone out & faced the world then I might of gone under. Not that I analysed it back then.

[chloe40 Administrator in reply to Caza]

What a wonderful job @Caza, yes challenging, but so rewarding <3

[Caza in reply to chloe40]

it certainly was very rewarding. I had one young lad come to me who was a traveler in his own country, a war zone. He couldn’t read or write in his own language & couldn’t speak a word of English. He was constantly in fights (he knew no different) he could not use a knife or fork. He spat at everybody & was pretty wild. I taught him to read & write & manners of our country. What a lovely boy he turned into. On his last day with me he bought me some flowers with money he’d saved. Wow. A couple of yrs later I was in the park when this young lad left his football match & came running over to me & gave me a great big hug. It was him. Happy memories. That was as rewarding to me as the one that got into Oxford. Of course not all of them were success stories. Happy days I miss them.

[chloe40 Administrator in reply to Caza]

What brilliant memories you have @Caza, you've helped so many youngsters, but this must top them,

I'm so proud of you!

<3

[Caza in reply to chloe40]

Thank you x

[gracy225 in reply to Caza]

Caza, I am so sorry for your tragic loss. Your post made me tear up then smile. I agree with Chloe about colleagues going behind your back. Horrible people, forget them.

[Caza in reply to gracy225]

well I guess they knew no better 🤷‍♀️. I certainly found out who my true friends were at that time.

I’ve only stayed in contact with one colleague & she’s been right by my side from day one. She told me about the meeting.

[LilyAnnepuppy]

Fortunately I was retired when my daughter died. I couldn’t have been able to work. The pain was so bad.

It’s been two years now and I still get bouts of sadness that washes over me. And I have to cry.

[chloe40 Administrator in reply to LilyAnnepuppy]

Hi @LilyAnnePuppy,

I can't imagine the pain and sadness of losing a son or daughter, it is unbearable and my heart goes out to all our members who have been in this situation <3

How could anyone be expected to return to work under such circumstances?

[LilyAnnepuppy in reply to chloe40]

I don’t see how I could have. The pain was almost too much to bear. I remember going back to work after my parents died (within a few months of each other). But somehow I managed that.

[chloe40 Administrator in reply to LilyAnnepuppy]

Of course you couldn't, it's unthinkable ( I understand you were retired ).

I just can't understand how employers have been able to dictate in this way, I just hope it changes in the future.

<3

[LilyAnnepuppy in reply to chloe40]

I think it might. I have hope.

[Caza]

unfortunately the pain & sadness never goes, you just learn to live along side it.

I felt I owed it to these very damaged children & to my own children who still had to go to work/school themselves. Strangely I was ok at work, I had to give these children my full attention, it’s when I went home that it all went to pot.

If you’d asked me before my daughters death how I would be, I’d say I’d never survive but there’s little choice.

Take care x

[gracy225]

Great question! Where I worked we would receive 5 days from day of death. Even if on a weekend (?). I went back as per the rules, it was not easy, not at all. Yes, I would break down now and then, trying to be private about it. I worked with a great group when my sister passed away so in that regard I was so forturnate. I will say this, although not true for all...there is something to be said for the structure of a workday as opposed to idle time home.

[chloe40 Administrator in reply to gracy225]

Hi gracy225

It's good that you had decent colleagues.

Yes, that's true, so maybe it depends on the individual case and that could be taken into account <3

[waylay]

I feel kind of lucky that my Mum died in April 2020 (cancer, shock terminal diagnosis, gone in 8 months). I live in a different country than she did. I was incredibly lucky to make it onto one of the last planes before Covid travel lockdowns hit.

But I got stuck in my childhood home, thousands of km from my home, friends, cat, partners, etc., for 8 months due to Covid, airline failure, and family crap. It was really hard, but also, in many ways, a lucky break.

I had 8 months to grieve for my Mum, who I loved enormously, but we had a... complicated relationship. It happened so suddenly, so fast, that I was just getting over the shock of her terminal diagnosis when she died! My family are... hah, complex, so there was a lot of other stuff connected to her death, too. I also lost 5 more people in that 8 month period.

I'm too disabled to work, so I wouldn't have had to go back to a job, but if I'd had to, it would not have gone well. I was supposed to fly home, 2 days after her death, before the funeral, and I can't imagine how I would have been able to slot back into my life, with everything the same, except my Mum was DEAD.

Being stuck there for 8 months, alone, in a pandemic, was really lonely, but also really lucky. I had nowhere to go, no reason to pretend to be OK, nothing I had to power through with my feelings frozen, just... Time, space, quiet, shelter, her cats, her crazy pink leather sofas, a number of mysterious things I found in drawers that I'll never get to ask her about, and THE CREEPIEST DOLL EVER.. And I could cry, stare at the ceiling, collapse in a tsunami of grief, forget she was gone for the first time, care for her beloved cats (while snuggling them a bit too much...), eat way too much Lebanese food, drink far too much of her wine, and generally, quietly, fall apart, lie around in pieces, and mostly stick myself back together again.

Everyone deals with grief differently, I know, but I couldn't have gone back to work, to my normal life, in days or a couple of weeks! It would have been... Destructive! I feel very grateful to have had that time and space to deal with the shock, the grief, the memories (re-activated my CPTSD), to get through it without rushing, and to be vaguely me again by the time I got home.

I dearly wish that everybody could have enough support, for enough time, like I did.

[Nathalie99 in reply to waylay]

Waylay,Your story touched me as I live so far away from my home country and I have family members there.

I had to travel to my home country just before my father passed away and I was able to be there. It would have been worse if I didn't have that chance. This was years ago.

It is so much more involved with a trip overseas.

I am sorry it triggered your CPTSD but it is understandable.

You went though a lot of grief and losses...

Your writing helped me visualise things. You are a really good writer...

[chloe40 Administrator]

Such sadness waylay {{{Hugs}}}

To have gone through the loss of your Mum in that way, on your own was unbelievably sad.

I'm so sorry this happened, but in a way it allowed you the time and space to breathe and reflect on your dear Mum but the circumstances are awful.

<3

[Sandradsn]

My dad died 2weeks after I got married,I'd already had a fortnight off,so could only take another week off.I was a wreck when I went back to work(in a bank)I remember crying in the ladies often.

[chloe40 Administrator in reply to Sandradsn]

Oh my Sandradsn

That's so sad, especially just starting out on married life, it must have been a horrible time.

<3

[Sandradsn in reply to chloe40]

It was awful,I was just 19.My dad did manage to walk me down the aisle. He looked so ill in the wedding photos. Not exactly a happy day.

[Lperica10]

I took 4 weeks off after my dad passed. To grieve, rest (I was his caregiver for 5 months leading up), and handle his estate. Mine was unpaid, I had to do it though, I needed to do it for my own mental health, to give myself a break. (Work at the time was high demanding and stressful too so that wouldn’t have been good.). Work was completely understanding/supportive.

[chloe40 Administrator]

Hi Lperica10

So good to hear from you <3

4 weeks is good and I'm pleased your work was supportive, how I wish every

employer was the same.

Chloe<3