Hello

[NeuronerdDoaty]

Hi. I’m new to this group. I follow another HU group and a kind person told me about this one.

My name is Doaty and my Pops (dad) passed two days ago in a very long battle with COPD and finally lung cancer. Today would have been his 79th birthday. He used his time wisely. I wish everyone could have known him. He is an incredible man with an impeccable character.

The relationship with my mother has always been rocky. I’ve always been belittled and invalidated by her and now my older brother, The Great Manipulator and Golden Child. I know many people can relate to these dynamics.

My mother and I were alone with him as he passed calmly and peacefully at home. I kept his pulse as my mom spoke loving words to him until I no longer had a pulse. No one can take those last 4 minutes from me. I gave that to my mother as well.

Excuse my language but my brother (choke) is making himself the hero and causing problems so now I’m staying away. He’s an a$$. It’s not Pops I’m angry with. I have a thin veneer of diplomacy regarding my brother. I can’t be near him. (More foul words.)

My mother wanted my Pops wedding band before they came to get him. 30 years of dealing with bodies I know all the tricks. My brother wouldn’t even listen to me. Finally I said ‘move’ quite forcefully.

I no longer have to deal with invalidation. My husband was even angry about how I was treated. Its been my life. I can now begin at age 55 to separate completely. Right now I can say without reservation I hate my brother. I will overcome this but right now.....

If you took the time to read this I appreciate you.

Doaty

I might not be making much sense but I feel better.

[kenster1 Volunteer]

god bless you doaty and your dear dad ive not had any relationship with my brother since my dads death april 18 its hard to accept but its his choice I don't hate him I feel a bit sorry for him.hopefully you can rally round each other in difficult times and seek out support from bereavement counselling as well.hopefully we here can offer help to you as well.

[NeuronerdDoaty in reply to kenster1]

I’m sure I can work past him. He doesn’t deserve my time. Right now it’s raw emotion. I think knowing he’s out of my life will be healthy. He’s not a good person.

I’m sorry about your dad. I think fragile lines break at deaths. I kind of think they’re supposed to. You and I will both move forward just fine.

I’m going to find a grief counselor tomorrow and make an appointment.

[kenster1 Volunteer in reply to NeuronerdDoaty]

good to hear that I recently attended counselling and it went really well for me I will have you in my thoughts.take care.

[Nathalie99]

I am so sorry, Doaty.

My deepest condolences about your father.

You were sharing about your father's situation and it's heartbreaking even when we are expecting things to happen.

It still hits hard.

It was very loving of you to be there for him...also very triggering but I would have done the same thing.

I'm sorry about the upset caused by your brother. I hope you find peace with all this at some point.

Take care of yourself after this very big loss...

[chloe40 Administrator]

Hello Doaty NeuronerdDoaty

A very warm welcome to our community<3

I'm so very sorry to read of your dad's passing, a very sad and raw time for you.

I can relate to those 'last four minutes' they are really special and they will remain with you forever and bring you comfort all your days {{{hugs}}}

I think many of us have experienced similar feelings towards a sibling at this time, it's not easy but I do hope you now feel liberated from them. One day when you're ready, you may make your peace but that is for the future, right now, your priority is you! Make some time for yourself to be still and reflect on your dad and get through the funeral.

You are always welcome here, we have some lovely supportive members who will offer you support anytime.

You are making perfect sense!

Take good care of yourself Doaty.

Chloe x

[Greyone]

Hi there and welcome.

I think that parts at least will be familiar to everyone here and after all these years I rarely meet anyone who comes from a family where all is bliss.

It sounds like you are finding your legs and maybe on the rise amidst your grieving and if your brother is not too acclimatized to his lofty position his adjustment will not be too painful and maybe in time, you may have some degree of peace between you.

You both still have your mother to think of and hopefully, when her day comes to an end you won't be fighting over how the estate is divided and rekindle old emotions. Something to think about anyway.

I hope your funeral arrangements pass without fuss. Good luck.