Lost me dad.

[GlutenLadYorkshire]

What a week lost my dad, I’m so angry why did it happen to him he was one of the good guys not a bad bone on him. I need to stay strong for my family but actually I am weak, I’m still young ish and my brother and sister are in there 20’s, my sister had flown from New Zealand, I live 250 miles away and have family here I’m really torn between my mother and my wife and kids as I want to be there for both I feel really guilty that I hadn’t seen my dad for over a year as I was ill, life’s not fair and it’s making me depressed even more than I am, I know it’s not about me it’s about others and that’s what I’m bothered about.

[Nathalie99]

I am very sorry for this terrible loss...

There is always that kind of feeling "we could have done more". I feel this too even though I talked things through with my husband, my therapist and friends. Yet still keep wondering what could I have done more, would it help or was it just a matter of time.

You were ill, that's really something you can't control. Feeling guilt is part of this grief but you need self compassion too...

[GlutenLadYorkshire in reply to Nathalie99]

Thanks for you kind words

[Midori]

You can only do what you can do, especially as you are not strong.

I had to return from the USA when my mother passed, as I was an only child and my father needed support. My children stayed in Connecticut with my husband. It was a horrid trip, especially flying alone. Returning to the States was a nightmare, I was unable to process my grief in the 5 day stay in England, and my husband expected me to be 'over it' as soon as I got back. it was horrendous, trying to cope alone without therapy, which I couldn't afford.

How about ringing your Mum up and having a chat about it. Also talk to your wife; she is likely to be supportive, and if she says to go, take her advice.

Weigh up the pros and cons before you decide, and don't beat yourself up over it; You cannot be in two places at once.

Cheers, Midori

[GlutenLadYorkshire in reply to Midori]

Thanks it’s awful I’m sure my wife would be supporting towards whatever I decide, I don’t know how I should be as I want to be there for others but I’m not really grieving myself. Thanks for your advice

[Midori in reply to GlutenLadYorkshire]

If you go and be with your Mum, you may find you can grieve

more easily. Personally, I think staying at home will make your grief worse.

Attending the Funeral is a cathartic experience, as you will be amongst other grieving folk, and that actually brings everyone comfort, although it may not feel like it at first.

I can't help feeling that it could be the right thing for you, especially as your sister will be there too.

[GlutenLadYorkshire in reply to Midori]

I think you may be right, staying at home is really not helping, we still don’t have a date as an autopsy is yet to be conducted so it may be a couple of weeks before I even attend an funeral.

[Midori in reply to GlutenLadYorkshire]

Its a difficult time if there is an autopsy too. My husband died at home alone and there was an autopsy done for him, and it took quite a time for the Inquest, although the body was released within two weeks for a funeral. Not everyone needs an Inquest, but my husband suicided using my antidepressants and a litre of whisky, and it became a bit political, with his family accusing me of murdering him despite the fact I was with other relatives who could vouch for my whereabouts. Grief does strange things to people.

[GlutenLadYorkshire in reply to Midori]

That is bad sorry for your loss, my dad had a cardiac arrest 4 years ago and survived that he went into hospital with stomach problems and stayed overnight by morning he died (alone) the doctors are unsure what he died of I’m sorry to here that his family accused you of murder that at the time must of been really distressing. I couldn’t understand losing a partner, a parent is hard but a husband/wife must be harder.

[Midori in reply to GlutenLadYorkshire]

It was a kick in the teeth; I never considered them petty folk, but grief does strange things to people and sometimes they need to find someone to blame. My kids and I have managed very well without them. As time goes on, should the Coroner decide an Inquest is in order for your Dad, I would be happy to talk the process through with you, so you don't get too worried. It's not as frightening as many folk think.

[GlutenLadYorkshire in reply to Midori]

Thanks again I will be more than happy to seek your advice, at least there is others who share the same experience although it’s not the nicest of ones

[Mary-intussuception]

Deepest Sympathy on your loss of your Precious Dad.

Please don't feel guilty about not being able to see your Dad for some time. You did nothing wrong - you were ill - AND 250 miles away.

It's so difficult being torn between wanting to be with your mother and wanting to be home with your own family, all grief stricken.

Be gentle with yourself, we are fragile.

God Bless x

[GlutenLadYorkshire in reply to Mary-intussuception]

Thank you for your kind words.

[kenster1 Volunteer in reply to GlutenLadYorkshire]

glad you joined the page really is that little bit of added support.

[GlutenLadYorkshire]

Kenster1 it is a great page I’m glad I joined and I hope to support others like I’ve been supported.

[GlutenLadYorkshire]

We had the autopsy and unfortunately my dads heart gave in due to blockage in his valves, died too young and he will be missed.