Disbelief

[polly1221]

Good day everyone, I can not believe this is my life . I feel tortured, as though I was not meant to feel joy ever. I’ve struggled throughout my life. After I think that I’ve hit rock bottom ...then I loose my husband . Just in an instant he was gone from my life. I still say .. Where are you ? Come back . I miss you. I continue to push my way through . I’m working with doctors and therapist . I’m in grief groups. I just don’t know where to turn anymore. My family has offered little support. It’s either they have their own lives to live or they are heartless. I just don’t understand. Day after day this goes on. What I wouldn’t give just to talk to him or touch him. I just want peace for me and my kids.

[chloe40 Administrator]

Hello polly1221

Really feel for you {{{hugs}}} I'm so very sorry for the loss of your husband and the pain you are feeling. You seem to have the outside support which is good but good do with local friends and neighbours to help you out as your family are not too helpful. Do you have a bereavement group who would send a visitor on a weekly basis? it all helps.

Always here for you

Chloe x

[kenster1 Volunteer]

hi I am very sorry to hear of your loss and suffering god bless.it sounds like you are doing the right things to help in difficult times keep it up.family find it hard at times understanding our grief as long as you have a family member that does understand then that's good.the way I see it nothing stopping you from talking I do it regular even today when I went to the graveyard.i know I wont get an answer back or be able to touch them but having pictures about I can hold dear helps as well.god bless and take care.

[Hidden]

I hear your pain polly1221 and really feel for you. Keep with the professional and group support, I think it is so important to keep talking and releasing emotion when it feels safe to do so. Though at times it can feel all-consuming and totally overwhelming. Stay with people who are supportive to you polly1221, though I think you know this. Be kind to yourself, be patient and try not to beat yourself up. Try to accept where you are with your grief. Everyone grieves in a different way and at a different pace. Life will never be the same again but you can be learn to live differently.

I lost my partner over four years ago and I was completely overwhelmed with grief. I missed my partner so much it physically hurt, I did not know how to live without him. I dragged myself through each day, even now I do not know how but, one day at a time, I got through with the support of chloe40 and the people here, friends, my doctor and I now have counselling. Then one day I started to feel a little joy, then it would disappear and gradually I had more and more good days. I still love and miss my partner but I believe it is possible to learn to live better with our loss. Take very good care,

Lottie x

[polly1221 in reply to Hidden]

Thank you LottiesWeb , I appreciate hearing from someone that can give me some insight. I do what I know I need to . I just don’t see a way through this yet. I’m told there will be a place and time that I will accept my loss and move forward. I too feel physically ill with grief .i don’t know how I go from day to day. I just do.

[Hidden in reply to polly1221]

@polly1221, keep moving forwards one day at a time. There will be a time and a place when you are able to live better with your loss, to accept your loss. In the meantime carry on doing what you are doing. We are here to support you in any way we can. Take good care,

Lottie x

[polly1221 in reply to Hidden]

Thank you

[kvolm2016]

I know it takes time to process the pain and sadness of such a deep loss but I wanted to see how you are doing this week?

[polly1221 in reply to kvolm2016]

Thank You for checking on me. I do struggle . I have called crisis hotline often just to have someone to talk to. Just taking small steps always.

[kvolm2016 in reply to polly1221]

well the good news is that all those small steps form a path in the right direction! What small steps are you finding helpful at this point?

[polly1221 in reply to kvolm2016]

Journaling ... writing in no particular order rhyme or reason. Just write...it ranges from every emotion possible. I have a check list I created for daily check offs. It goes like this .. get up walk to windows and open blinds, drink water , move arms and legs , eat breakfast..... and so on. I have some things on the list I never get checked off. My therapist tries to get me to not overthink. I don’t need to clean the house if I don’t want. Things like this. Things most people don’t even stop to think of. I have this group and one on Facebook that I read. I try to face things as they come . I want to give up every minute but I try and make that not an option. I feel ok after each cry spell and I know I will do it again. I will continue doing this .

[kvolm2016 in reply to polly1221]

I completely understand both the journaling and the checklist. Those are soooo helpful for me as well. It is a relief to find things that work and I am happy for you that you have! Do you try to add new things to the checklist as you feel ready to try them? Maybe adding one thing that would bring some joy to you and the kids?

[polly1221 in reply to kvolm2016]

I live alone . My husband and I were getting to know each other as an older couple. We had been through so much together as kids and young adults. My kids visit about once a month right now. They do like seeing my check list checked off. I do add things to my list as I think of them. Not all get done or checked. Going out and coming back home is very difficult. It’s not just being alone but being lonely and longing for him.

[kvolm2016 in reply to polly1221]

Yes, of course the longing for him is natural because there is not a replacement for him - who he was, the relationship you had with him. The support groups, friends and family can replace the loneliness but cannot replace the longing for him. It sounds like you are also grieving for what you will not have together as an older couple?

[polly1221 in reply to kvolm2016]

Yes , we had planes on getting older together. We never thought it would be different. I will never get to see him age any more. I’ll always wonder what he would of looked like.

[kvolm2016 in reply to polly1221]

Always lots of things to wonder about with a significant loss. Do you feel like there are others in your grief group that understand/relate to your feelings?

[polly1221 in reply to kvolm2016]

Yes I said once I expected to have my husband walk through the door at anytime and the group share said yes me to. He was gone in such a split instant I can’t understand what really took place and why he can’t talk to me now, where did he go. Things like that. I loose all sense of purpose . I went to him to talk about any issues. I can’t talk to him about this. I don’t want to know that it was the end of us . I feel like there was never a me just US. We have no widows around us just couples. I talk to my kids and that’s about it. Groupshare is over and I have a therapist I see once a week. I’ve been depressed the last several years and he was helping me through it. Now I’m alone . Terrible what people have to go through because they love.

[kvolm2016 in reply to polly1221]

was your group affiliated with griefshare.org? If not, you may want to check them out as a new group to get connected with.

[polly1221 in reply to kvolm2016]

Yes they were Griefshare.org... actually that is an excellent group to join. I might go again. I was told I could join in now at any time (I have the book). Go when I like .

It’s always good to know I’m not alone. Even if it feels that way.

I really appreciate you writing me. Sometimes it just gets really difficult.

[kvolm2016 in reply to polly1221]

And the hard part seems to be that you just never know when those really difficult moments are going to hit.

I was looking at some other articles that were with a GriefShare article and I wanted to pass them on to you as well. bit.ly/2NgLjWi

Even though I have read through the article on Understanding the Grieving Process before, I still find it useful to go back to it to remind myself. You can see if there is anything interesting here for yourself as well.