Feel like my mom would not be proud of me if she was alive

[tm23l]

I (21F) lost my mom at the age of 10 to heart failure. The day before she died we went to go see her in the hospital, but she couldn’t talk to use because she had tubes in her mouth. The hospital had visiting hours so we had to leave her shortly after we arrived, but we waited the next visitation period. My sister and I decided not to go back in the room which I really regret. No one told us her condition was that bad. We grow up watching our mom go to clinics every Tuesday and her be in and out of hospitals that we didn’t think much about it. Unfortunately she died hours later. I hated the way I behaved after finding out . I rarely cried afterwards and felt happy. I think I cried twice within the two week period of her death. It honestly disguised me because I loved her so much.

I don’t remember her voice anymore. Some people tell me I should move on but I can’t. I don’t even dream of her anymore. But for some reason I constantly have this feeling that if she was around today she wouldn’t be proud of me. I don’t have much going for me. I don’t have any friends, never been kissed/relationship, and I’m completely alone. The only good thing is that I’m a junior in university. Is this normal?

[Gambit62]

the way you are feeling is quite understandable.

Is there a counselling service at University - would strongly recommend that you refer yourself to them so you can work through issues.

Grieving is unique experience - no two are the same and it really sounds as if you haven't managed to get through the experience yet. The most important part is getting to the point where you can remember the person as they were when they were alive rather than being trapped in the moment when they were dying. Are there some happy memories of times with your mother - birthdays - that you could share rather than being focused on all the hospital appointments - or was there anything funny that happened to you and your sister when your mother was around.

I was in my 40s when my father died about 18 years ago and I still miss him - some times worse than others - particularly spring and autumn when the light is like it was at the time of year when he died.

Don't worry about the lack of dreams and not remembering her voice - we often don't remember dreams anyway.

I also wouldn't worry about not going back into the room when you were 10 - it is quite possible that your mother wouldn't have wanted you in there anyway and if she wasn't conscious then it wouldn't have mattered anyway.

We all want our parents to be proud of us and our achievements but the reality is that there top priority would be that we are happy. I hope that doesn't make you feel worse as it sounds as if you haven't really go to a place where you are happy yet - and may be counselling and working through everything would help you to get to that point.

You will never forget your mother - she will always be with you - she was an important person in your life - moving on doesn't mean losing or burying that - it means being able to relate to it in a different way.

[JOLLYDOLLY]

Dear tm23l,

Your grieving now my lovely. You have to remember that grief has no time limit, regardless of what people say and after all, you lost your mum at a very young age, when sometimes someone so young can't express their feelings. We are all different.

I get very angry when people say to someone grieving, "time to move on" because normally it means, they have never grieved themselves. Their comments and opinions should be ignored.

As a mother myself, I am without doubt that your mum would have loved you so much and she would be so proud of you, still is, but concerned that you are feeling this way. I also would not have wanted my children, especially so young, seeing me that way which I have been in the past. My children were a lot older than you were.

I was lucky enough to have both parents until I was in my fifties and I have regrets, it is part of grieving even though I did all I could. At your young age, you would not have been expected to do anymore than you did. Your mum knew you loved her as she you.

Your mum may not come in your dreams anymore, but she is in your heart and she will come back, when you least it expect it.

Have you ever thought of counselling? I have had a lot of grief counselling in the past three years since my sister passed away. It will help you in so many ways.

With grieving there is a loneliness which is different from being lonely and on our own. Perhaps being on your own and not having a relationship, might be your way of saying that you can not commit to someone, in case you lose them in someway and the grief starts all over again. That is a normal feeling. I am scared stiff I will lose someone else. The counselling will help you and might address feelings locked inside that need to come out, in order for you to move on.

It takes a lot of guts to put on paper how you feel. So you are not alone anymore.

Take care and keep in touch.

[Greyone]

I am hopeful that what you have remaining are a few unanswerable questions. Mine greatly troubled me over the past 3 years, but when I had counselling one of the things I was told was to think about the good times. So the only time they trouble me and then occasionally is during my grief time.

My suggestion is to let go of any unanswerable questions and teach yourself to remember just the good times.

I set aside time early on Sunday morning when I remember my mum and dad and once in a while remember questions like "was your mum right when she said you'd never be happy" or "were you brave to give up your job to look after your dad". They don't trouble me so much and I hope if you can let go of them they won't trouble you.

Good luck

G1

[chloe40 Administrator]

Hello @tm231

Welcome to our community.

Really sorry about your dear Mom,

I completely understand that after not going back in to see her at the hospital, you now find yourself regretting it and that this has been at the back of your mind until now. You did what you thought was right for you at the time and so did your sister and although it's easy for me to say, your dear Mom may have wanted to spare you further distress by passing after you've left, it does happen.

There are times in our lives, often times when we feel vulnerable, when memories such as a loss comes into our minds. It may be that you started University this autumn, a huge leap in your life and it may that, which brought your Mom so prominently to mind.

I do believe we can 'sense' when our loved ones are around us and that gives me strength.

Your Mom would be so very proud of what you've achieved in your young life and for what you will achieve in the future.

Take advantage of being at University, get involved and join the activities and clubs, there is so much you can experience and it will really help you through your time there and give you strength to look to the future with confidence.

Please do keep in touch, I'd love to know how you are getting on and you are welcome to contact me via the 'Chat ' facility at the top of the page.

Take good care of yourself {{{hugs}}}

Chloe x

[sweetiepye]

Iam sorry for your loss. Everyone handles grief differently so there is no normal. I sense you might be feeling some guilt about your behavior when your Mother passed and the same thing is true, we each go through these times in our own way. As a Mother I wouldn't want my child to hurt so much and I wouldn't be judging them. I imagine your Mother would feel the same. As for being proud of you , that is an on going thing. You can always work toward making your Mother proud and she can continue to be part of your life. Try keeping a notebook that you write your feelings in. Just anything you want to share with her. You are a part of your Mother and you can take comfort in that every day. Pam

[kenster1 Volunteer]

hi when I read this a couple of day ago I was stuck for what to say having seen a few comments I can only say that you shouldn't have any regrets or guilt.you where very young your mum being ill was traumatic enough I think your family wanted to shield you away from any more pain that would cause more in future years like now.telling a child about the serious of a parents illness at that age would be hard for you to understand as well.10 year ago my mum passed I was 36 and I missed her final moments even for an adult its really hard.now your a bit older and understanding grief better its probably coming back to you so hopefully you can enquire about bereavement counselling.