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Bereavement Care & Share

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Need advice


Hi everyone, I need some advice.... I know everyone grieves differently and moves at their own pace and that there is no right or wrong way/time frame. It has been 8 months since my fathers passing.. I have 2 sisters- and here is where my dilemma is.. deciding on what to do with his house, his motorcycle, his belongings... for now my husband and I take care of cutting the grass, and I am the executor of the estate - so I've been paying to keep water and electricity on and pay the mortgage through the estate until we decide what to do. Well here is the problem... I am ready to sell, and move on. My one sister is 100% not involved, does not care or have an opinion, says we make the decisions and she is fine with whatever. And my other sister is not ready to do ANYTHING and not ready to even TALK about it. Will not have a discussion or anything, will not answer anything "dad related". So this is starting to get to me but I want to give her time and I do not want to bother her as that is what I feel I am doing... so my questions are.... what to do and how much time should I allow to go by.... I have to be very careful how to approach things with her because she will not talk to you if she doesn't like what you say or agree with you. Help.

11 Replies

Thank you. Yes I agree about the counseling but unfortunately she won't go. Already tried multiple times and she will use the excuse she is "too busy right now". Which I get but you HAVE to make time for it. Thanks for your response and for seeing where I'm coming from. Hopefully we can work it out without me feeling like I'm "rushing" her.

Hi Lperica,

Sorry to hear of your loss.

My late husband helped me as executor on my parents house. I have two sisters with MS who were unable to deal with probate.

We changed the land registry information, as it happens my sister still lives there and is allowed to stay there for the rest of her life, if she goes into care, the house will be sold to pay for her care.

I believe there is a government requirement to get the land registry records changed, so would be good to look into what you do with the house. Things like insurance etc. All have to be notified and the circumstances have changed especially if there is no one living in the house.

All costs that you have incurred will come out of the estate, so keep all your bills. Probate can be expensive if you use a solicitor but we did it ourselves, my husband was very good at dealing with things like this.

There is never a good time to deal with this sort of dilemma, my daughter was great to me sorting out everything when mu husband passed away a year ago. She inherited the organisation trait from her Dad and made everything very smoothly.

I have posted the government website link for you to look at, it is very helpful:

Good luck

Lperica10 in reply to MEW53

Thanks so much! All good advice. And I will check the site out- in the US though. Thanks for taking the time to respond.

Does your second sister contribute to the costs of keeping the house going? She should not be blocking your efforts; after all You are the Executor, you are in charge so you should be setting the timeline.

You have decided to sell; so you inform our sister that this will be going ahead at a certain time. It can be difficult, but you have to think of what is best for All, including the sister not yet willing to face the inevitable sale and distribution.

Sometimes memories can hold up what should be done, I have been executor on several occasions for family members, and it is a horrid time, but healing will come faster for your sister when she can no longer put off the inevitable, as it will for all of you.

Do not forget in your calculations the extra costs of mortgage and upkeep of the house, that keeping it on are costing you.

I'm sorry to seem mercenary, but I feel your sister is holding you all back, I am very sorry for your loss, but I feel she will cope better when there is no longer an active focus for her.

Maybe she will then be able to accept counselling and eventually heal.

Lperica10 in reply to Midori

I agree 100% about the healing... I feel like it is holding me back and her. It is so hard going there.... just brings back so much I just want it gone. But then again I couldn't say this right after he passed for a few months, I can say it now though. Maybe she is just taking longer.. also I tried to approach her about selling and then she says "I want to buy it, either to live in or rent". But does nothing further......

Thanks so much for responding. I just don't want it to get ugly between us- she's had a rough year. Lost my dad and her brother in law. I don't know... thanks again!

abirke in reply to Midori

Well said Midori! Mercenary? No! Realist? Yes!

Thanks, that is good advice. The LAST thing I want after my fathers passing is to not get along with my sister. Thanks.

I can understand her feeling; strangely, it parallels mine over the last of the family houses, which I inherited in 2007, and which has (finally) been sold. I intended to live in it, but I just couldn't get the family (or myself) organised. So It has gone, and it is honestly a weight off my mind, but now I need to find a disabled- friendly place, preferably a bungalow. They are out of my price range here, so I am looking west or north for my next home.

Being disabled means travel difficulties and finding accessible hotels whilst I look! URGH!

Please impress upon your sister that if she wants the house, she must pay the expenses. It may concentrate her mind, as it did mine.

Yes, my daughter is the same...Does not want to talk about it if it opposes her belief or hurts too much.

Boy, you are really caught in the middle aren't you. I wonder if sister would accept a letter; talk to someone other than her sisters like her husband or a good friend or something ....One of the things that I have to do with my daughter and believe me when I say it work about one percent of the time, however I do try to present something in a way that helps her feel as if she is making the decision.....Nothing is imposed no "ugly thought's" or painful realities just something that she can mull about in her mind and come up with an idea...".I think we might use so and so realty I've heard good things about them, Have you?" Saying something sort of on the sly not terribly direct, just enough info for her to know what's going on and have a choice to participate....

Or you could be darn direct, tell her these things are going to happen on these day/months etc. Your input is valued so please share on or before these times.....

Again I have not been great in this department as of late, but maybe something here will help you come up with something better there!

I know one thing I been doing about my situation....praying...that's really the best suggestion I've got...



Lperica10 in reply to abirke

Thank you so much. You summed up my thoughts in your first sentence! That is her too!! She gets that from my dad (funny she said that bothered her about him but she is exactly the same) funny how that works. Anyway thank you for the great advice. You sound like my mother when you say you pray. I think you both are on to something. I'll try it. Thanks again. I am going to go for it!

Thats some words of wisdom lilaclil

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