**possible trigger** After few months of doing ok, I think, going to therapy, doing the best I can, I just broke again . I am a grown woman, and a bit embarrassed to write this, but I found myself curled up in a little ball crying and all I could say for hours is "i want my mommy" "I want my mommy",,,, we had a difficult relationship that I describe in my past posts, and i have actually felt like this when she was alive! but now,, it's different because she is physically not here anymore on earth and there is a huge hole in my heart , a huge emptiness that wont heal... and i feel sometimes it iwont be ok until i can have her back no matter how hard it was between us. and it is impossible , i know, and this is sometimes not ok with me still after.. 7 years. i was watching a show last week and there was a line in the show i remember the actor said" death is relentless" .. it is so true.. i hope it will let up on me someday soon...
unrelenting sadness: **possible trigger... - Bereavement Care ...
unrelenting sadness
Hi RcKitty.
Hopefully, your therapist is helping you move in an upward direction and can reassure you that it is ok to cry like that. I still behave like that now and again but went through periods of heavy crying lying on my bed and wishing for her to come back in loud sobs. At the time I did not realise that kind of bargaining is part of one of the stages of grief.
After only 3 years, my grief is lessening but still, it comes back to me. I lack the confidence to convince myself that it will be over one day, just that it will be more bearable. Hold on in there you brave sole and work with your therapist to help ease your grief.
Good Luck
hi sorry for your loss kitty.im still in therapy second last meeting tomorrow its going well but as yet ive not shed a tear.its not just for my dad but also my son mum and last week we talked about my friends.i had a difficult relationship with my dad for years but we had 8 good years as father and son and although ive not cried much I miss him dear.my mum was my rock and its her tenth anniversary in a months time but when I have tough times I feel like rying out for my mum.your not alone its ok to cry.god bless and take care.
You are far from alone.
I find it interesting you used "grown woman" Just because we age doesn't mean we grow at the same rate. Regardless we are very entitled to feel sad and cry when or if we need to.
I lost my mother last year and our relationship was very difficult indeed. The child in me still yearns for a mother, who if I'm honest, I don't think ever really existed. The selfish, bitter shell was far from motherly.
I did a lot of work after my Dad died 5 years ago on inner child issues and this really helps me at these times as I've gotten far better at being able to comfort this part of me. I'm in a slightly weird phase just now too, maybe its the changing seasons not helping too.
Look after yourself and don't judge yourself based on age or how you think grief "should" look or behave. Every feeling is valid.
Hopefully your therapists will pick up on the child issues too.
thank you, GoGo_JoJo, for your reply . it is very helpful!
I would also recommend reading Toxic Parents by Susan Forward if you can. It saved me. Surviving a narcissist parent is really tough, thriving and being who you want to be even tougher.
goodreads.com/book/show/103...
None of us can ever go back and change the past but anyone can start today and make a new ending. 👍🏻
RcKitty,sorry you are struggling....so am i .... ciley
best wishes ,sometimes we get peace don't we?
Time is needed and tears are extremely therapeutic as they have a chemistry that heals the body. Give yourself time. Healing comes in cycles in the nervous system. Any death affects many levels than we realize especially a loss of a mother when attachment issues are poor. If you can, gravitate to anything that might have been joyful with this person. The good memory is also stuck in the nervous system and might help balance those collapses.
Unresolved anger with a loved one seems to be "relentless." but I find writing a letter to the one past seems to help, But, then I like to write, as it helps my grief, helps me notice triggers that affect me. Even notice have a linking to things that are unresolved, especially when it involves the mother.
Only once in awhile I have some remorse for my own mother who died a few years ago but I know somewhere she knows what she did was wrong, realizes the damage it caused many people so grieving is easier. I do not miss her. I do miss the fact that I did not have a mother for all practical purposes. That was hard growing up without that unconditional love of a mother. Love from a mother needs to be selfless, but that is hard for many mothers. It is especailly hard for so many mothers who were not trained adequately on how to bond affectively, especially if they did not have it in their own childhood.
This is so true. The anniversary of my mother's death is coming up in a couple weeks and for the past month have been dealing with heightened anxiety, panic attacks , stomach issues, pain, sleep problems... and then I read your reply... I feel that it may be a nervous system response to my grief? and the anniversary approaching? thank you for your reply , socratesanne,. Writing a letter a letter to my mom would be hard and (even after 7 years) too difficult for me , as there are a lot of issues there- not just sadness but anger, resentment, and worst of all guilt...
Guilt is really hard to cope with and is unfortunately pretty useless, it does us and no one else any good (unless they're using it to manipulate us).
Try to accept that you have this guilt, you acknowledge it but you also acknowledge that you cannot undo or redo anything that is past, you can only move forward trying to be the best version of you that you can be.
Maybe try writing a letter to your younger self at the point when you could potentially have done things differently. Not from a blame perspective but from a supportive perspective.
Then discuss this in therapy as to whether it would have been reasonable for you to have acted any differently at the time. (Ie. I had guilt relating to things from my childhood however being a child I should never have even been aware of events around me let alone thought I could or should change them!)
Thank you again GoGo-JoJo, Guilt I think is the hardest emotion to deal with for me. This was so helpful. When I think about my childhood I really do not think it was possible for me to have the skills to cope with the lack of love , the neglect and hatelful words from my mother. I just wanted her love, and to be hugged and comforted. even as I grew ito a young adult unfortunately still didn't have the coping skills-the ability to deal with emotional pain, partly because I lacked the skills that are supposed to develop in childhood . I am now trying to develop these skills and I hope it is not too late because I am struggling so much with my mom's death even after all these years. your reply very helpful again! Thank-you!
Absolutely! This is the biggest problem, we look back with the eyes and reasoning of an adult and we forget that at the time we were children. Children who should have been nurtured, loved and protected.
I battled with this for many years. It's never to late to get in touch with your inner child, she's still there with you and you can love her, protect her and allow her to be a real child (not all the time) and move forward as a whole being rather than being fragmented or trying to deny her.
We are all the sum of our yesterdays, we carry all the previous versions of ourselves into the future and when accepted and loved make us stronger and more whole than ever 💕
Please do try and get a copy of that book, I know it's old but it's still out there, try AbeBooks, and although the book advocates confronting the parent for me it was so helpful to find similarities and realise finally that NONE of it was my fault, that I could stop defending her actions or justifying them and just comfort my inner child who should have been comforted all along 👍🏻
When I had cancer twice, I imagined three cupboards in my mind. One was closed, one was half closed and one was completely open. I put all the worst thoughts, worries and guilt, into the locked cupboard, things that were not so good, but that I could handle, I put into the cupboard that was half open. Yes, you've guessed it, the nice things in my life, were in the open cupboard that I could access at any time.
Be kind to yourself. Grief and guilt are like diseases. They will destroy you, if you let them.
I still cry for my beloved husband, but if I feel the slightest bit of remorse for what I did or did not do, into the locked cupboard it goes. I cannot change things that have gone by, but I can change my future by being positive.
I hope that you can too.
Big hug. Rx
Thank you, Robbo1. Trying very hard to work on that! I do not feel worthy of kindness most of the time. I am also very sorry for your loss. You are a survivor. Best wishes for good health . I appreciate your reply very much!
That makes me feel so sad for you, you are so very worthy of kindness, love, help, support and every good and positive thought and deed that can come your way.
It took me a long time to learn that lesson myself, it's a tough road you're on but please believe me when I say that YOU are enough 💕
I coped by writing about my mother in a different ways. First I did genealogy on her family at a free family research center. Then I wrote a story, not a factual account on her life, using my imagination.
I had taken a class much earlier where I had to interview a older person so I interviewed my mother. I feel fortunate now to have in her own her words, her looking back over her own life in writing. However I did not use this material.
If I remember right it took me a good seven years to get started. I then wrote a story on her for many years, but I too don’t think I could write a letter even now in a directed format to her. I found an imaginative story approach worked best for me.
I encourage you to let your imagination go in any direction your heart desires.
dear RcKitty,when i can get your name right, we are old mates here, its got worse for me....despite trying every which way, your weak bits allow the foe in, eh?
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