Accepting change

[Catcon01]

Hi

I don't know if this is the correct place to post this question as there are so many different posts being sent to different places

5 years ago I lost both my sons 6 months apart very suddenly

My eldest was not married at the time but My youngest son who was 46 had a lovely wife and 2 beautiful granddaughters

We are all incredibly close and have grieved together but now my daughter in law has met someone else.

I have always said that I would not want her to be on her own for the rest of her life and Paul would not have wanted that either. She is only 49 kind, beautiful

I just want her to happy but I am finding it very hard to cope with it pretending to be happy for her but deep down having these conflicting feelings which are making me feel as if I am a nasty person

I know she will never forget Paul as she loved him deeply and no one will ever replace him as the girls Dad

Incidentally he seems a nice person so it is not as if I dislike him personally

Has anyone else felt the same way and if so how did the cope with it

Thank you

Cath

[jaykay777]

Catcon01 -- Your conflicting feelings do not make you a nasty person. I say this as someone who has been in the same position as your daughter-in-law. Widowed at 29 with two small children, I married a widower with four daughters. His first wife's parents attended our wedding and became part of our family events. They welcomed our baby son as part of their extended family. That had to be painful for them, recalling the death of the infant son of their daughter and the man who became my husband. Their daughter was not as welcoming.

[chloe40 Administrator]

Hello there Catcon01 Cath,

Welcome to our Community.

I'm really sorry to read of the loss of both sons, that's been very traumatic for you. Your thoughts and concerns are perfectly understandable. The fact that you have had such a caring,supportive relationship with your daughter-in-law is commendable Cath, really it is. It's wonderful that you are happy for her and having met her friend, you wouldn't be human if you didn't have these conflicting thoughts. I would say accept these for what they are 'just thoughts' she will always have your son in her heart and you will always have a good relationship with her.

Please do stay in touch, you'll find lots of support here Cath.

Take care

Cloe

[abirke]

I am soo sorry for your loss dare I say losses. I think what you are feeling about the situation is rather normal....if you allow it , it will develop into acceptance and maybe even a good relationship with this new person. I rememeber being jealous for years of this very pretty young lady with whom my son was fully enamored. She took him away from me! that's how I felt .....It wasn't until I made the decision to accept her did I start liking her. Now we have a pretty good relationship....and I know I feel ok and not guilty or jealous or resentful or even judgmental....we can now laugh and talk and eat dinner and all the other stuff...

So again, if you want to accept this young man as a friend of your daughter in laws....then you have to let go of all debilitating factors.....

I did not do this , but maybe talking with your daughter in law would be helpful? Wait yah I talked to my son actually he scolded me on my behavior and that's when I realized i'm either gonna cut our relationship or im gonna mend it....I chose the latter....

That's my words of wisdom for what they are worth...I do hope you resolve your feelings....

AVB

[Hidden]

Hi I totally understand you feeling like this and of course it doesn't make you a bad person - just human.

There is another way of looking at it. Her marriage to your son was obviously very happy and it is a testament to him that she wants to be with someone else now. If her relationship had been unhappy I doubt she would want to risk repeating it with someone else.

I am sure your dil understands how you must be feeling without needing to be told so why not talk to her about it? She is probably having the same sort of feelings as you.

[Hidden]

Hello Cath,

I am so sorry to hear of the loss of your sons and cannot begin to imagine how you must have felt and still feel losing them both suddenly and so close together.

You have shared a close relationship with your daughter-in-law and I think it is perfectly normal for you to have these conflicting feelings now that she has met someone new. You would not be human if you did not feel this way. Give yourself time to accept this change. Paul will always be your grand-daughters' dad and your daughter-in-law will always remember Paul in her heart.

Be kind to yourself Cath and take care.

Lottie

[Catcon01]

Thank you all so much for your lovely comments

I do know deep down that she will never forget my son or want to replace him so I just have to learn to accept change and enjoy the fact that he seems to be making her happy again and that it is nice to see her smiling again

Cath x