Father - a difficult relationship

[Maman2144]

My father finally died yesterday. I don't know how I feel about it. It seems a long time since he was a father to me, his second family came first every time. He divorced my mother many years ago and prevented her from seeing I and my brother for nearly thirty years. Unfortunately she too then had a second family and did not want us to call her mother. My brother then died in his forties. I have a very supportive family of my own but somehow there's still a hole inside me which nothing seems to fill. Sorry this sounds so pathetic from a grown woman but that's how I feel. Does it ever go away? Or do I try to come to terms with it? If so, how?.

[chloe40 Administrator]

Hello Maman2144

So sorry to hear of your Fathers passing. You may have had a difficult relationship in recent years but he is still your Father and you will still grieve for him in your own way. Your situation has been made much more difficult due to the actions of his second family but please don't feel they can push your feelings away, they are yours to think, act and reflect as and when the time is right.

Take care x

Chloe

[Maman2144 in reply to chloe40]

Thank you for your support. Much appreciated.

[chloe40 Administrator in reply to Maman2144]

You're very welcome, always Maman2144 x

Chloe

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Hi a counsellor once explained it to me like this when I said the same thing. He said it is like being overdrawn by £100 at the bank. All that money is owed by your birth family. You aren't going to get it though so you have to rely on other loved ones. Some will give you £10, others the odd fiver here and there. Eventually you realise you have got £85. You are still overdrawn but not by anywhere near as much.

Let your lovely supporitve family now try and make up some of the missing money. .

[Natsteveo]

I think you've probably been pushed away by your family for so long you have become tougher in your emotions you will grieve in your own way but I think at the minute your in shock and don't really know how to feel..I think the hole u have is because you've probably not felt like you belonged until you have your own family like you have now..just let it flow out if you do happen to cry it will help you move forward but don't feel guilty if you don't but I think you will eventually because he missed out on so much of your life which is a shame really I have a non existent relationship with my father and I don't know how I will react when he passes I never had him in my life so my motto is you don't miss what you've never had....? Even so I would have to cross that bridge one day so I won't know until it happens I suppose..you will eventually feel sad because he's your dad I am sorry for your loss of you need a chat we are all here for you nice to meet you as well😀😀

Love Nat xx

[Maman2144 in reply to Natsteveo]

Thanks Nat. Things just feel too much at the moment. I appreciate your thoughts. Regards. Lorna

[abirke]

My story is much like yours. They divorced when I was 1....infact I was the baby who was to convince my dad not to leave.....he didn't care about my brothers and mom...why would I change his mind.....so now my mom was left with 3 kids in the 60s when there was so much less services than today...and believe me single moms today are in a HORRIBLE mess.

My mom neglected us and when my brothers became teenagers the sins of this world took over...by the time they were in their 30s and 40s they were dead....and so was my mom......I've never met my dad and so it goes...

I say all this not for your sympathy but to tell you how I got through it ....I became a Christian and really try to understand my parents life and loss....I am not angry sad or empty....I have forgiven my mom, never had any anger or well emotion toward my dad...I think the only thing I regret is not being more vocal to my people about a faith in God that keeps those who believe going through this sad world.....

So Maman, I say this to you. You can fill that hole with something, and that is the love of God. Seeking meaning and satisfaction from this world alone will keep one pretty empty. Forgive and let go of the emotions that your birth family have put on you and let God become your Father.

You have your new family. If He is not yet, then let the Lord become a part of that family, and if you let Him, He will continue to bless you with a spiritual love that will help you get through it all...

With much sympathy for your loss,

AVB

Why art thou cast down oh my soul? And why art thou disquieted within me? Hope in God; for I shall yet praise Him, who is the health of my countenance, and my God! Psalm 43:5

May the God of all grace who has called us into his eternal glory by Christ Jesus, after that you have suffered a while , make you perfect, established, strengthen and settle you. IPeter5:10

May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that by the power of the Holy Spirit you may abound in hope. Rom. 15:13

[Maman2144 in reply to abirke]

Thanks for your kind thoughts and sharing your own experiences. Regards maman2144