It's good to have the site to write blogs it really seems to help me to write it down.....
Went for my appointment in respect of doing some volunteer work.
I still don't get the way I feel, and I think I'm worse than the people out there who don't understand it. I keep thinking snap out of it, get over it, to myself....surely as I look so good I can't be ill. When I go out I realise something isn't right, my mind races with thoughts of, am I ok, I feel strange, look at everyone else, they are ok, I'm not working in my stressful job now I should be alright, grateful even......it's sunny,
Lovely lady at the volunteer bureau, asked me a few questions suggested volunteer roles to perhaps suit me.....came away with lots of details...the next stage is to decide, I will do this, but going out and feeling the way I did was a bit of a shock if I'm honest.....still in denial...still worried about people around me.
I'm tearful, the more I realise , the worse I feel, always blamed circumstances before, but actually it doesn't matter what is happening I guess I can get anxious and low at anything...
If you haven't been here in this lonely place how on earth would you understand,,,,,
We have visitors they are downstairs, want to try and be sociable go down and make a coffee, but actually I wish they would just go away, they wouldn't understand, I'm beginning to get annoyed inside about people not understanding, it doesn't show, I can manage smiles for a short time so they don't know, what's the use they wouldn't understand....they just think I'm a freak,weird,eccentric or different, and actually laugh about my silly little ways of secluding myself, I actually mostly don't mind them feeling that comfortable they can laugh with me about it, there is at time something endearing about it....but then
when I'm alone I remember , actually it's quite serious I'm not well, and it's not fun
This blog writing helps so much. Some of the people on this site inspire me and do help, although I do realise in the end it's down to me....how the hell can I go from being the most inspiring vibrant happy go lucky person to this, and unfortunately I feel it's going to get worse before it gets better.......