Im an x servicemen of 21 years. Injured in Afghan in 2006.After 10 ops i am having my right leg amputated. I can deal with it no problem. What I cant deal with is the mental side of things.I have PTSD/Chronic Depression and GAD.
Since injury i have put on 4 stone, lost all enjoyment about life, have become a hermit virtually, have become physically violent for no reason, im scared to read mail or make any sort of decision.I have a loving family but i think im a burden to them.
Because of the forces ego ive bottled everything up and not talked to anyone. It is extremely difficult to write this. I feel everything i do is worthless, have zero confidence and thought self harm was done only by teenage goths. It isn't.
I am on a huge cocktail of legal drugs that effect my waking hours.
I`m not looking for sympathy just hoping anyone who reads this or is going through it themselves can get in touch and just chat and feel normal for a bit
Thanks for reading
Mac
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macbiker
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You anything to be embarrased about and government and arm forces should more to promote more open in regard mental health issues for ex and current service men and womens' also families.
There is absolutely NO need/reason for you to feel embarrassed - you should feel proud, you've gone through experiences very very few of us will EVER encounter, and you're still here - well done!
PTSD (shell-shock, combat fatigue - it's had lots of names over the years!) - is incredibly common in ex-Service personnel, particularly those, like you, who have paid such a high price for serving our country! My grandfather was in the 1st World War - once on leave, he woke up to find himself dragging my screaming grandmother round the bedroom by her hair!!!! And he was the gentlest, kindest man you could imagine!!!
Don't know if you've tried them, but if not, do contact Combat Stress - it's a MH organisation for soldiers by soldiers - people who WILL understand - in a way most of us can;t, not really - what you've been through - and help you through it! I've heard very good stuff about them, do try them if you haven't already!
Hi Mac, I can't believe you found it hard to write that, it was well constructed and nothing at all to be embarrassed about on this site.
What jumped out to me as similarities with you were depression (bipolar disorder) and GAD as well as a cocktail of drugs each day to include IBS and fibromyalgia. Also I used to be terrified of opening mail, not so bad now, but I have a fear of calendars/diaries really choosing dates in the future I suppose. I hope I get over that one.
You have made a massive step talking on here. Hopefully it will start you off but also just have regular chit chat too.
If I was in your family I would be thinking 'I bet he thinks he's a burden' so I suspect your loving family are all too aware of you thinking that. (and of course you're not).
Hope you enjoy being on this forum, I'm not a regular 'character' but am always reading it for advice and because it is so interesting/informative.
First of all welcome to the forum Mac, as other people have said and it is very true you have nothing to be embarrassed about you are a very strong person deep down but like all of us somethings in life do try to get the upper hand.
There is lots of lovely people on this site and we will all be behind you with this
We are a family and you are now part of that family you are not alone with the way you are feeling.
Here are a few helpful links that you may want to have a look at.
Well done for sharing your thoughts. You have only been doing what you were trained and told to do in defence of our country. GAD is a well-known condition which CAN be treated and is more common than you might think with servicemen. From what you have siad I think you really need some professional help such as counselling and/or CBT so you can talk to someone about how you are feeling and the thoughts that run through your head. You have absolutely nothing to be ashamed of, and your thoughts and feelings are fully understandable and natural.
You have done really well by even making your post, so congratulate yourself for that. You really do need professional help so please make this a turning point and make sure you get it. The help you need is out there.
Thanks for all the kind words. I'm under 2gether in Gloucester. It is a great help but i feel i need more ...if that makes sense. I'm paranoid about getting into any confrontations be it verbally or physical.
As i mentioned I can handle the amp and the long road back(physio hard work) and hopefully become a regular here! Thanks for the links trip.
You're very welcome - you've given so much, I hope we on here can help give a little back to you, if only in support and encouragement!
Love
Rose
xxxxx
Hi Macbiker
I totally take my hat off to you. You should be proud of who and what you have done. This is a fab site and a lot of caring people are on here will help you through the tough times. Dont know if you have read through peoples blogs on here, but i hope it does help you.
Yep. Whilst still in RAF i saw the headshrinkers every 10 days or so. Went through the CBT and various breathing/relaxation techniques but unfortunately the health worker just seemed to be nodding and not listening. I'm fine about talking about the scary dairy things but i panic more if i think ive left a door open or am going to be late for an appt etc.
Reading your blog it is understandable why you are suffering with depression. Firstly i admire servicemen like yourself who have suffered through war. I can feel the pain and hurt but you should be giving yourself a pat on the back for what you have given. I wish this govnt would consider what people like yourself are having to deal with and more available.
I suppose the worse of it all was bottling up your feelings which has then affected you in this way. Everyone on this site is so friendly helpful and understanding.It can help to offload what your feeling here.
You are truly a amazing man,please tell your family what your going through it wont make everything better but they need to know so they can understand and help you.
Hello Macbiker. Flipping 'eck! don't be embarrassed. You have been through one hell of an experience and it is leaving you with a dreadful aftershock. My dear old dad used to scream in his sleep for years after WW11. Goodness knows how you have coped at all. Taking the loss of a leg so bravely is a fantastic thing. Thank you for taking on such a difficult and dangerous job - so important and so necessary, but not something I would be brave enough to do. Your family must be so proud of you. Now you are home, I hope you manage to get over this bad period in your life and enjoy being a civvy again. Can't advise you because I have nothing like the type of experience you have had and I feel humble reading your post. Bless. xxxx
There is nothing to be embarrassed about pal. Keep on talking on this blog, its surprising how much positive you can feel after writing or even answering peoples questions. We are all at different stages of these MH illnesses and need like minded people to talk to.
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