So I'm in a serious hole... And I would be very grateful if anyone could take the time to read this....
My story is that over New Years Eve, I had a serious anxiety meltdown, which resulted in my me being awake for around 4 days solid. Eventually, I managed to get hold of some Zopilcone (3 x 7.5mg) which knocked me out. I spent two days on the Zopiclone and then came off it.
Since then, I spent the best part of two months building myself back up. I essentially had two anxieties emerging from that 1) about work, which I rightly or wrongly attributed as the major cause of my meltdown. 2) about sleeping, for obvious reasons. Kind of dealt with 1) by walking through the eggshells, deep breathing etc. Had a couple of panic attacks on the way, but I'm fine in that respect now. With the sleeping, I hauled myself off Zopilcone, onto anti-histamines (Nytol) etc. and eventually had two or three weeks sleeping naturally. Have been undergoing CBT throughout.
However, one kind of tough night of stress and my Grandad dyng - my first real experience of death and all the morbid thoughts it brought - have totally rocked me back. In less than a week I have spiralled totally out of control with the sleeping and it has been accompanied by crippling depression and thoughts of self-harm.t the Eventually, with the last night I literally slept 0 hours. Not the 3-4 that I could normally guarantee with anti-histamines. And moreover, I wasn't manically anxious like before. I did everything right to stay calm.
I got myself out of London (where I live) and my depression mood changed. I have some more Zopiclone, which again worked well. However, last night I tried a night off Zopilcone and again: 0 hours. This crushed all my escaping London optimism. I have had all pressures taken off me and have a very good support network of friends etc. The NHS is another matter - my GP (in London) doesn't even have my notes. I just don't really know what to do. Sure I have some more Zopiclone, but there is a very good reason why they only give a few of them out and I don't want to get hooked. I think it's pretty clear I need to go onto antidepressants (what's to lose?) but that's going to take more time than I have and much engagement with a health system that is not really working for me at the moment.
I can't sleep because I can't stop my mind focusing on the moment of sleep. And it's like having a phobia. I tense up, my breathing quickens and the only way I can calm down is to focus heavily on staying calm, which stops the sleep from waving over me. At some points my body is pushing against my mind so hard, desperate for sleep that I almost start to vibrate, which I guess is sleep paralysis. Occassioally I do fall alseep, but only for ten minutes or so, max. In my experience, if I do ever manage to get more than an hour or so then that calms my mind and stay out. Apart from running myself into the ground physically and intense progressive muscle relaxation, I don't know what to do. Even they only lower the threshold.
All the remedies, the good sleep hygiene are fine, but there a bit of a waste of time. You don't want to encourage obsessing - which, I'm clearly doing here, but I'm approaching mania now. Like any anxiety I need to show my mind that its ok, that I can sleep. I did this once before - but only because antihistimines made the symptoms manageable. Now they are not. I need some control to give me time for the ramped up CBT/anti-depressants to work... And my Zopilcone is running out.... Urges to self-harm are inevitable if it does run out and there's no improvement... What the hell do I do?