What to do when you feel someone is making matters worse

[magilew]

Hello,

It's a relief to find somewhere to discuss and share issues with anxiety. I am constantly trying to understand my worries and behaviour in order to make myself more comfortable but feel I won't get anywhere unless I speak to people who are in the same boat! Thank you for all your posts they have been incredibly helpful to read!

I've had anxiety since I was 18 when I was at college, and from looking at previous posts on here I think it may actually be more of a social phobia. I've taken a lot of advice from similar sites and am pleased to say I am gradually feeling better in certain situations by accepting what I am anxious about in the situation (i.e not talking much, not being funny, appearing shy etc...) and letting it go. I have also been trying to improve my assertiveness especially when with friends who particularly effect my confidence and can often make me feel guilty/stupid/angry.

All was going pretty well until the other day when I just froze and had absolutely nothing to say and was incredibly conscious of how people would react to whatever I said or did.

Over the past 5 years I have kept a diary and every so often I will write about my anxieties just to vent. I have been reading them back recently and I feel like there is a common factor which makes me feel so miserable....a friend who I have know for most of my life. We have had plenty of good times but she does control me quite a bit and often makes me feel like an idiot. When we were at college together this was particularly bad as we had made new friends.

I went off to uni and she stayed in our home town and although I still had my social phobia I feel it has improved. I now have a job I enjoy and a whole new social group who are lovely! It is now that I am back home for christmas that I have become anxious again.

I wonder if it is wise that I cut ties with my old friend who seems to be reigniting my bad moods? I've tried to face the problem but I am starting to look at it like a bad marriage...I wouldn't stay with a partner who made me feel this way.

What do you all think?

p.s thanks for listening!

[leehow79]

I know wot u mean i also hav friends like these, i think we all do, i often leave my friends house feelin in a terible mood when i was fine 2 begin wiv. these r the kind of people who jst take + dont give, i dont think really u would call them friends. Like u i also went to my friends bcause it was wot i was used 2 but a few mnths ago wen i bcame ill + really needed a friend for the1st time ever 2 b there 4 me she wasnt interested even though i had bin there always 4 her, these kind of people r only interested in 1 thing + thats themselves, theyre r not good 2 b around wen theyre puttin u in a bad place u need 2 break free + get out there + try 2 meet new people it could also help wiv ur anxieties + confidence 2 make new friends so u might as well kill 2 birds wiv 1 stone.

[magilew]

Thank you Leehow! I hope moving on from this person has also helped you. Again, its a big relief to hear someone understands.

[stde]

I have a little name for these people :SPIRITUAL THIEVES"..........

My daughter had to do this too a long term friend, she controlled and used, although appearing nice everything was manipulated to suit her (in a nice way of course!!!)

My daughter was fortunate enough to move away with her job, but her friend persisted even at long distance.

She did break contact with dignity (preferable) as she slowly stopped responding and eventually her friend asked whats wrong (think she got the message) she simply replied that she had entered a new phase in her life and she was also changing as a person and found new friends and interests.......

How admirable/.........I HATE TO SAY HOW I WOULD HAVE HANDLED IT.....LOL.

If you decide to step back, expect a little gossip about you.....but this will pass...ignore it..xx

[magilew in reply to stde]

What a comforting example! Thank you. I did worry how I would move on without causing too much of a scene! I'm pleased to hear it worked out smoothly for your daughter. Thanks again Stde!