Is this ever going to end?

Hi I have had severe anxiety for 25 yrs this last year being the absolute worst. I am bipolar and have ME as well. I have been very unwell for over a yr with many strange symptoms and chronic migraine. I have severe health anxiety , med phobia , food phobia due to severe allergic reaction that came on suddenly over the last yr. been told I am so anxious I am creating allergic reactions the minute I worry about having one!! This has ruined my life as I am afraid of everything. Cannot take any med for fear of anaphylaxis so live with pain and migraines daily. I see no end to this my fear is so great it's a vicious circle I need meds to become well but if I worry and take it I get an allergic reaction( food as well) and the cycle continues. Gp is at a loss my mental health team have no idea in three yrs what to do and every day I get sicker. I am convinced now I have a terrible illness and can't be cured. I'm so scared all the time. I am married with 4 boys and have missed so much of their lives to fear. My eldest just left for UNI and I am 40 next year and I cannot honestly say I have not had one single day anxiety free since I was 14!! I cannot go on anymore I am so scared of dying that I no longer live. I know nobody can help me I just needed to put pen to paper as such.

Thank you

4 Replies

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  • You poor thing what a horrible horrible situation. I can see how badly you're stuck in a nasty cycle of anxiety and systemic reaction leading to yet more anxiety. However, I do believe that there are ways of helping you out there. It seems that you're knocking your head against a brick wall, struggling to get well and yet getting nowhere. One possibility is to explore other approaches that don't involve meds - as meds make you extremely anxious. One thing you can do for yourself is to think about doing things for yourself - I mean nice things. Even a tiny nice thing can give you a lift. Take half-an-hour out of your day that is just for you - and in that half hour do what you want. A cup of tea and a treat in the garden. A luxurious bath. Something. Anything. Stop punishing yourself for being unwell - it just makes the vicious cycle worse. Another possibility is exploring mindfulness.

    bemindful.co.uk/

    Mindfulness is a way of slowing down, and paying attention to the present moment, freeing yourself from sadness and regret about the past, and worry and fear of the future. It uses techniques such as meditation, breathing and yoga. As you suffer from severe anxiety, I'd recommend you initially learn mindfulness with professional guidance, you could contact Anxiety UK to find out more about mindfulness, CBT and other forms of non-medication-based therapy that could help you. Once you start therapy, you could find that you are able to reduce your anxiety and take medication if you still feel you need it. Believe me, there is help for you and you can move on from this bad place.

    Anxiety UK website - anxietyuk.org.uk

    Have a good look at this website - there are lots of useful resources on it where you can start to get help.

    Please let us know how you get on.

  • Ask for referral to primary care mental health team (also know as IAPT in some areas. IAPT stands for Improving Access to Psychological Therapies, and every PCT area has one). They should be able to help with mild to severe anxiety including health anxiety. You can self- refer in some areas, if your GP won't refer to. But find out if IAPT is near you first. Then see if you can self-refer. Put your postcode in at this site, then click on NHS (IAPT) services to find your nearest one; -->

    nhs.uk/ServiceDirectories/P...

    You can also try iapt.nhs.uk/services

    Sometimes they won't see you if they know you are already under a CMHT (secondary care mental health team), so you may have to insist on GP intervention to help you transfer to IAPT. If IAPT is not available locally you could ask for counselling from the GP. This may also be beneficial in your situation, but try for NHS IAPT services first.

    Don't give up. You just need some help right now.

    D

  • Thank you everyone for your thoughtful replies it was very kind of you all!

    To answer some questions ....I have done cbt 3 times , yoga Pilates, mindfulness, and relaxation CDs and guided meditation. Unfortunately none of it helped for very long.

    I have a primary care team consisting of a psychiatrist, psychologist, social worker and care coordinator. They have been my team for over 3 yrs and are baffled as what to do next. They are also struggling as I' m 'complex' apparently and we are getting nowhere I feel we are all at a loss.

    I am awaiting results from some tests as I have been so unwell physically for a long time with strange symptoms which have been difficult to diagnose. I was diagnosed with ME 12 yrs ago but they have recently told me I have a neurological disorder possibly MS and these further tests will confirm . I had felt like I was going nuts with so many things being odd and having no answers that with my bipolar disorder I ended up stressed and thinking I was imagining it all with anxiety. The problem is I got into such a bad place now I can't get out and not through lack of trying. Now I'm so tired all the time I have no energy left to do anything. I am absolutely petrified of dying and I barely leave my room. I still try to spend time with the boys and I cook their tea as its at least something. I sort all the finances too BT that is it and everything takes forever!

    My one wish into have just one ' normal' day where I have no fear of dying or ending up in hospital because I ate something I really wanted. I have no known allergies yet have severe allergic reactions due to fear! It's ridiculous my Immunologist scared me by saying my fear could trigger anaphylaxis and that just made it worse.

    I feel like I need a miracle.....

    Thank you everyone for reading and replying you are all very kind.

    Xx

  • Hi.i'm new to this site, only joined yesterday, and after reading your piece it puts my problem into perspective. After living with a verbally abusive wife for 17 years and being on anti-depressants for the last 12 years i can really understand, although in a much different way, the feeling of hopelesness that on and off anxiety attacks can be pretty debilatating. I'm sorry i can't be of much more help. Keep going.

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