Scary Feeling of Self Awareness

[Floory2024]

Hi all,

About 5 weeks ago my world crashed in on me. I was in a good place and as happy as I’d been for ages. I’ve always been an anxious person always thinking the worst. In 1995 I developed panic attacks due to health anxiety. I’ve been on medication ever since. I’ve never really taken the meds properly though. (Peroxetine) I knew the stories about them being addictive and hard to stop. I’d miss days at a time and only take them after getting the brain zaps. That would then clear up. About 5 years ago I told the doctor I wasn’t taken my 20mg tablets regularly and he advised taking 10mg a day. Again since then I’d go days without taking them. I realised a couple of months ago that the psyical side effects were wearing off or so I thought. I’d started to get very anxious looking out the window early hours etc. I’ve always had OCD symptoms counting constant checking of doors etc but it started getting worse. Anyway last week in June it all came crashing in. I could only stop the fear/panic by drinking. I started taking the tablets again in half 10mg. Intrusive thoughts panic scared id snap and go mad or do something bad. I’m currently under the Crisis team. This has moved onto a horrible feeling of hyper self awareness of my self. I look in the mirror know it’s me but feel stuck in my own head. I try distracting and it works sometimes a bit. I can’t work like this or do much at all even when I do it’s still with me. About 3 weeks ago I was told to up the dosage back to my original 20mg. I can’t remember if this feeling was there before or after that so I don’t know if it’s the anxiety or the tablets making me feel this way. On Monday this week I went out on my bike it wasn’t easy. I went to the Nightlight cafe in the evening. When I got home I felt like I was tipsy. Talkative goosebumps etc. I thought I’d cracked it. Tuesday was awful. This has happened on a few nights. Yesterday I went out on the bike again with my wife. When we got home I wasn’t as animated but again felt nearly normal. Woke up today not as bad as usual but then it’s gone downhill. I’m stuck in my own head preying this feeling will go and I can just get back to being aware but not hyper aware. I’m sorry for the long post I’m just very scared of this feeling. I’ve only had 3/4 panics in the 5 weeks I have managed them so far. Has anyone ever felt this feeling?

[Agora1]

I haven't felt like that before Floory, but then again, I stay consistent with my medication.

And I don't drink. Skipping your meds can give you that up and down feeling of being

in control and not in control. Adding alcohol while on medication can make things worse.

It goes against what the medication is trying to do. One other concern I have is if you

have told your doctor when he increased your medication that you are drinking as well.

We need to be up front with our medical provider. Sometimes, we are our own worst

enemy. I am not a doctor or therapist but am going on what I've learned over time.

Thank you for being a part of our community. We are here to help support each

other because We Care. xx

[Floory2024 in reply to Agora1]

Thanks for the reply. I’ve not had a drink for 3 weeks. No caffeine either since this started. It’s just how I was trying to cope in the beginning. I’ve got Diazepam 2mg but haven’t taken one since last Sunday. I’m better in the evening but tonight’s not been great. Constant rumination about the feeling. I’ve been told it’s the Anxiety causing it but a lot of the people I’ve spoken to do far all seem to contradict each other. I’m trying to accept what’s happening as I know that’s the only way it’ll go. I’ve listened to the podcasts and know about Claire Weeks etc. I think I’ve almost done too much research and have made it worse. I’m preying I haven’t done any serious permanent damage and can get back to normal. I’m so inside my own head it’s literally terrifying me.

[Agora1 in reply to Floory2024]

Floory, good to hear you are avoiding alcohol and no caffeine certainly doesn't hurt

either. Dr. Claire Weekes was the foundation of my eventually getting better.

Her theory of Acceptance is needed otherwise we continue to stay in the fight or flight

stance. I've lived through years of panic/anxiety attacks but somehow knew I would

and I could overcome this. Medication, therapy as well as finding other methods and

tools that could help made me conquer the fear.

I so understand how frightening and emotionally painful this is when going through

this. I did much research myself. (Not Dr. Google) but YouTube...I listened to the many

videos on anxiety, meditation, breathing as well as the great professional people on

site. Stay with us, don't ever give up. This too will pass one day when you are ready.

Welcome Floory. It's going to be okay. You are Safe. We've got you xx

[Floory2024 in reply to Agora1]

Thank you so much for replying. My symptoms keep moving around. It’s been fear I’d go mad and harm myself I didn’t want to. Fear I’d go mad and harm others I didn’t want to. Fear is end up in a mental hospital. Then fear I had a condition called anphantasia (no minds eye) That was caused by me trying to meditate and being unable to imagine images in my mind. Then last week in the Crisis house where I went to try and get help they were mostly just reading off sheets and knew less than I did. I developed this awful hyper awareness off my thoughts so thoughts about my thoughts. I then felt uncomfortable looking at myself in the mirror sort of unconnected to my image. I’ve heard of DPDR but this seems different almost I’m too aware. I got scared it was the meds. My appetite has come back and the actual anxious psyical symptoms have eased a bit but I can’t shake this feeling. I’ve been tunnel vision and in my own head since June 22/23rd so I’ve probably done it too myself but I’m very scared. I try distraction but I’m exhausted and I don’t really want to use the diazepam if I don’t need to even though they are only 2mg. I’m not sure if these tablets Peroxetine will work for me again. This is the most consistent I’ve ever taken them in over 20 years. I just need some hope but it’s hard to find people with my exact symptoms. Most peoples hyper awareness is on their bodily functioning not their mind. I think it’s Anxiety/OCD/Panic I want to be aware but normally not so it scares me.

[Agora1 in reply to Floory2024]

Hi Floory, I will admit that I've never heard of Anphantasia. It sounds like you are

very versed in the subject matter as well as filled with numerous negative thinking.

I see what you mean now in that you may have possibly over researched what is wrong with

your mind.

I took the Apple exercise and definitely got a 1 as I could clearly see the picture

of the apple in my mind.

But then again, I trained my mind from the beginning of my anxiety to see more

clearly the positive words told me within meditation and self hypnosis.

It took years of practice and patience to reach the point of where I am today.

Capable of going into a deep trance through meditation and breathing. Being

able to see the images before me. It's one of the reasons I am so good at self

hypnosis. The research I have done in the past was all about positivity and

affirmations allowing me to believe in myself physically and mentally.

I am now trained to go into the present moment literally to rejuvenate my

mind w/o going to sleep. This also can work for relieving pain w/o medication

for myself.

My mind is under my control now. Anxiety no longer takes that control away.

I will step back now only because I write only about my own experiences with

Anxiety & Agoraphobia. This is a little beyond me and I don't want to mislead

you. Please keep us updated on your progress. I am always open in learning

new things. Yours is a new experience for me. I wish you well. I'm always here

to talk with if I can be of any help. My Best xx

[mizzou7016]

Check in to cognitive distortions....

[Weatherwoman]

I am not sure, but could it be Too much Inward thinking being Hyper aware of every thought --it is scary & have had that when Super Anxious. Dr. Weekes mentions re. Inward Thinking & she has helped me A lot, too!

[Floory2024]

it’s just so strange. I was very nervous yesterday during the day but managed to go out for dinner with the family. Got emotional when we got home then very talkative then felt almost normal. Today hasn’t been as bad as usual but I feel a bit spaced out and have developed eye floaters in my left eye much more pronounced than I’d normally get. I just don’t know who to listen to. The pharmacist said I maybe should have 10mg one day 20 the next. The Doctor from Crisis said stick to the 20mg. But I’m still not myself properly something is wrong. I don’t know whether it’s the anxiety or the drugs causing these strange feeling I’m so scared of what’s happened to me.