What's happened to me, where have I gone?

[bbanxiety]

I used to be so care free, and within the space of three years I'm now reduced to a ghost of the person I was.

I don't even recognise who's in the mirror anymore. I was the type of man who stood up at my mothers funeral and delivered the eulogy at the age of 25, same thing at my grandmothers, held myself together the entire time for everyone else. Travel anywhere, do anything.

I never used to be scared of fainting in public, passing out, going pale, looking unwell, having a seizure. The world was something I saw as adventure, now anything outside my front door is an enemy to my mind.

It's affected my relationships. I'm too scared to visit my last surviving grandparent who lives an hour away, because I don't feel safe. I can't meet new people, because I'm terrified of looking stupid or making a fool of myself by passing out, or having to leave because I don't feel well.

I used to see the world as a challenge that I wanted to conquer, I had so much drive, nothing phased me. Now? I can't even go out for a meal with my father, 10 minutes from my house without having to take a sedative or freak out about it, and can't wait to get out of there.

My mind is a prison, I've put such concrete constraints on it that when I edge towards those barriers, my body goes in to shut down mode. It used to be an anxiety attack, but not it's full on shutdown mode. Like I'm fainting but I get extremely tired and I lose all my energy, like I'm falling asleep. It's horrible because I cannot fight it.

I'm sat here again, another night alone, just finished my work from home job and after not drinking for the past three years, started drinking again over the past three months because it's the only thing alleviating the pain a tiny bit.

I so desperately want to give up, I really mean that. I don't know what I'm living for, the days are becoming darker and the light is becoming dimmer.

How do I come back from this? I am exhausted all the time, I have no drive, I'm gaining weight and I just feel like each day is the end.

[Agora1]

Hi bbanxiety, My question to you is "what happened 3 years ago that set this pattern in stone?" I looked back at your posts and can tell you that it is a pattern of repeated habitsthat your subconscious mind has developed. You look in the mirror and it is like the person

you once knew is not looking back. Where did that person go?

I too went through this during the time of my overwhelming anxiety. My thoughts and language were every bit negative. It was like every positive thought I once had was wiped

out. I was a prisoner within my own mind and body. I started researching the Mind/Body

Connection to find that it is a powerful tool that works together for good or bad.

During these episodes of Anxiety that we fear so much, the mind takes over as being trapped

and never able to get out...Not true, not true at all. We need to use the power of our mind

for good in order to break these habits.

You aren't gone... The You who use to be carefree and gave the eulogy for your mom and go out to eat is still there. I know, I couldn't believe that either. But deep down, the person who

was me never leaves. Right now you are in a hiding zone because of the fear. You have trained your mind to react negatively with these thoughts and so you become trapped in this

never ending cycle.

Popping a pill, getting therapy may help but until we change our patterns of thought and push through the fear, the fear withstands our fear. Start changing your dialog to more positive words, I Can't becomes I Can and I Will.. Saying it out loud can shock the anxiety

bully and make him start to withdraw.

I use to talk out loud to my fear and tell it that it was my life under my control and I will go

anywhere that I want to. Do it enough and Anxiety quivers and backs off like the coward it is.

Once, twice, three times or as many as it takes will eventually work. Use your breathing to

calm down the free floating anxiety living within you now.

Nothing happens overnight but one step at a time, you will be in charge of your life again.

Keep using this forum for support and understanding. Believe me you are never alone with

your thoughts or behaviors. We were all programmed by Anxiety and now it's time to release it. You can do this my friend xx

[Meds1234]

Your post really resonated with me. At the end of last year, I went from being a vivacious girl about town to a quivering wreck who couldn't leave the house. Why? One word. COVID. Or, more specifically, the global response to it. Because people had been made to feel scared stuff of catching COVID, having always had health anxiety myself, I started to worry that, if I passed out or was taken ill in public, that no one would help me. I started having panic attacks that lasted all day, which eventually led to me having a complete mental breakdown last Christmas. I'm now on medication, probably for life. I am getting better but it's been a bumpy road and I'm not there yet. I recommend you get yourself off to your GP and see if they can help. Don't suffer in silence.

[Babe1213]

Babe1213 - I am fairly new to HealthUnlocked, and am just getting into the swing of things. I had spent a lifetime of being all the opposite of all the things you described of your self at the beginning of your post. I was shunned an bullied at school by the whole class from when I began at 4yrs to when I left at 15. I had no self confidence, was from a poor family, was called all manner of names and was worthless. Speaking in public - forget it! I was also useless except as the butt of jokes. I grew up, married in 1968 - had 3 children - but was still despised by - this time my mother-in -law, who sent her husband to me outside the church and offered me £200 to walk away (lot of money in those days) - Three days after our first child was born same mother-in-law visited me in hospital (childbirth was 14 day hospital stay in those days.) Offered me £250 to leave our daughter with her and walk away. I was still useless. In the first 5 years of marriage I had 3 children, the following 10 years of marriage I had surgery 3 times, a stroke, breast cancer twice, and gained weight. So not only was I useless and despised, I was fat, had become ugly, was still the butt of jokes, but, I had become the type of person who helped others, and I developed a Christian faith. I was counselled by a priest who having heard my story encouraged and enabled me through the power of prayer to accept who I am. I learned, we all come into this world in the same way, and we all leave it in the same way. We get up in the same way, put our socks, pants, outer clothes on in the same way. We breathe, eat, drink (omitting becoming addicted to alcohol) sleep, our bodies are made up in the same way, male and female!!!!! I learned how to accept Christ as my Saviour, and how to stand in His victory. I learned how to become self confident, and how tothink for myself. In 1982 I became a Lay Minister, I preach, teach, take services, my 'forte' is funerals. I still care for people who are shunned and outcasts, I worked with AIDS people at the height of the epidemic, and have travelled to third world countries, and I counsel other people who started life being abused as I was, mainly by neglect. If I can do all these things, so too, can you. You must believe in yourself, You are a valued human being, loved by many, especially by GOD - through His Son Jesus. Even if you don't believe now, just keep that name to hand. You are a good person. Your grandparents love you, and yes, they miss you. Believe in yourself, when in doubt, just ask, 'Lord, help me!' Reading other replies to your post I see Agoral has responded about what happened '3 years ago', find someone who will work with you and discover what did happen during that time 3 years ago. Patterns do have a habit of repeating. Take control back of Your life, and live it well. As I PAUSE for THOUGHT: I realise it is our 54th Wedding Anniversary next month. I couldn't be all bad, or our marriage would not have lasted as well (the in-laws divorced 27 years after their marriage) - she died following a stroke, but did not die until I was with her to hold her hand. Take Your control back and drive the one hour, see your grandparents, - they need to see you. I am grandmother to 15 - great grandmother to 3 - with another on the way - I know how I would feel not seeing my grandchildren no matter what age they are. Be strong, Go for it!

[Babe1213]

The above response from Babe1213 is for You bbanxiety, I forgot to add that

[NerevousLady46]

I feel your pain sir trust me I am in the exact same situation 3 years ago I was go go go did everything went everywhere loved being outside loved it.. now since 2019 I've slowly disappeared now I am sick alot and I don't leave my house for anything I have delivered everything I do doctors and my therapy over the phone.. I so so so miss myself... I'm here if u ever need just a friend to talk to [e-mail] is my email reach out anytime

[Karen3691]

Agora is right… something has triggered this off … be kind to yourself. You can come back from all this but maybe some therapy is needed. Don’t lose hope… this phase will pass too.