Mental Health + Relationship Pressures

[ADCU85]

My social anxiety is currently so bad, to the point where I have alienated myself from my group of friends so much that I wasn’t invited to one my friend’s son’s christenings last weekend.

I always used to have lots of friends, socialise every weekend etc but slowly, you’d get the last minute texts where friends would bail, increasing by the week, to the point I decided to up sticks and move to Manchester. I made some friends there (housemates) but struggled in general. Is there something wrong with me?

I think I suffered social anxiety in my teens and 20s, but I always had alcohol to relax me and enjoy nights out etc. Then in 2014 I suffered an episode of Atrial Fib. which led me to stop drinking altogether. Plus it always gave me awful anxiety the morning after in any case. NB I have never been a heavy drinker, no more than sociable.

Fast forward 5 years and I now barely go on staff nights out, I never socialise with my friends out of fear, and I struggle with small talk etc.

My wife berated me this evening, pulling me to bits and telling me to just get over it and go out, make friends etc. I couldn’t think of trying anything worse. I get the tough love, but it just feels like even more pressure to me.

What she doesn’t get is that I WANT to have friends. I WANT to socialise. This mental illness just stops me from doing so. I feel like I’m boring, I’ve got nothing to offer and I always feel like I need to be doing something (e.g. I’m fine at work because I’m talking about work). I know I need to restart CBT and I know I need to push myself to make friends, but at 33, and a man, and having social anxiety, it couldn’t be more difficult. Help!! (Apologies for the long post!)

[hypercat54]

Well done for writing in here as that isn't easy, especially for a man. I think you should see your doctor and get some medical help ie meds and/or counselling. Maybe try and find talking therapy if CBT isn't very helpful x

[designguy]

I can sympathize with what you are going through, I had social anxiety disorder for years and even had my own business. What helped me recover was realizing that what I had was social anxiety and not general anxiety disorder and then starting to uncover why and how I developed it. In my case I had ComplexPTSD from childhood bullying which led to the social anxiety disorder. Social anxiety disorder is learned maladaptive thinking and behavior and you need to learn why and how you developed it and new skills and understanding to recover from it. Just sucking it up and all the tough love won't help, in fact it's counter productive. I would recommend looking for a therapist who specifically treats social anxiety and if there isn't one near you, there are some on-line programs available. I've understood that social anxiety group therapy can be very valuable. There wasn't a social anxiety therapist near me so I used an online program from the socialanxietyinstitute.org. I also worked with a trauma therapist who utilized EMDR therapy for my bullying/trauma. It all wasn't easy and took time but it was definitely worth it.

[ADCU85 in reply to designguy]

Thanks for your reply. Really helpful and I will definitely check out that online program.