I really need some help I feel like I’m falling apart

[2sara1]

I started a new job in August, and it was everything I hoped it would be. The hours are great, the job itself is just what I wanted. I get home at night and wasn’t worrying about what happened in the day. However I’ve been there 2 months now, I have 1 month left before my end of probation. However I have some concerns that are really playing on my mind, first of all I haven’t hit any targets yet as the job is very hard and all the team keep saying is that they’re going through a really tough patch anyway. Which should put my mind at ease but it isn’t as my manager keeps putting pressure on me to make money, but I’m really struggling. Even people that have been there for 15 years are at the same level as me this month. But I feel like how I’m feeling is made 10 x worse by the fact that my manager does not talk to me, he barely looks at me. The team are all men and I am the only girl, we had another new MAN start a couple of weeks ago and my manager is all over him having a laugh with him and the team have made him feel so welcome. The whole situation is making me feel really down and anxious as I do feel as though he doesn’t think enough of me to keep me in the role, I do feel as though if I was a man then I would be reassured more and have more confidence to do the job better! I found out yesterday that a team night out has been arranged, without me being invited. Which would be fine, I’m new I get it. But the new guy has been invited...I wasn’t even asked

My mental health is getting worse and worse. I wake up every morning recently just wanting to cry my eyes out and I have no idea what to do. I can’t see a clear pathway to anything

Help

[Moon_B]

Ah this is not cool. Their behaviours have to do with you being a girl for sure and you are right you would feel more welcome as a man. But it might not be for evil reasons as you seem to think they don’t like you. I think it’s just that men want to be with men, maybe? It probably feels more natural to them somehow, I am not sure but that is my guess. Also you are the only girl and they probably don’t know how to build the relationship with you yet.

I do think it’s simply easier for them to interact and create friendships with other dudes. It is not personal. It would have been weird to leave out the new guy because he is already part of the group by default. While you are the only girl, they might think it would make you uncomfortable so they didn’t invite you? In any case, it’s not cool but probably not done with bad intentions and maybe you could try to clarify with them why you were the only one excluded because if it remains this way it could become unhealthy, men and women should be able to hangout together.

Give it some time, you are the only girl and you are new. You will find your place, don’t give up.

[2sara1 in reply to Moon_B]

Thank you, I do feel like giving up today. But I’m going to have a good think over the weekend

[Ragdoll15]

I think I would ask why you have been excluded from the outing. You could make a joke of it to lighten things. You never know this could lead to a better relationship with your boss as he might be more considerate in the future.

[2sara1 in reply to Ragdoll15]

I asked one of the lads and the answer I got was ‘it’s cos you’re a girl, we didn’t think you’d want to come’

[Tikirob]

Your boss sounds toxic! Do what you can but your selfcare and mental healthcare come first! Just remember even though it feels like this is the perfect job that it’s not worth getting sick over. If it’s beyond your control then. Try to let it be and change your perspective. Tell yourself no wonder no ones making money the boss doesn’t even know how to deal with women employees!

[2sara1 in reply to Tikirob]

Thanks for the reply and support. I tried to put a positive head on this morning and walked into the office and he was talking to somebody else, obviously knew I was there and just completely ignored me, didn’t even look my way but I was right in his eye line. I’m going to enjoy my weekend off and have a think about what I’m going to do, it’s affecting my performance. It’s just a shame I waited so long to get this job and it’s not what I expected. I feel as though maybe getting some advice from HR would be a good place to start

[Tikirob in reply to 2sara1]

It’s great you walked into work with a good attitude he probably saw that and was like I know how to ruin that I will be cold to her. Lots of times managers use this mind play because they can’t get in trouble for it. It sucks you waited so long and it’s effecting your work performance but if you feel unwelcome at work it’s to be expected your morale will suffer. Not to alarm you but lots of times when you make a legit problem about a boss to HR will bring you into mediation and address it as if it’s your fault too. Sometimes it’s helpful though and if you do anything to advocate for yourself it’s a good move because no matter what the more you practice sticking up for your well being the easier it will be. I was bullied at work for two years and will never let it happen again.

[Lulu421]

Try to hang in. Sometimes, depending on the environment, it takes a little longer to get to know people. Just take things a day at a time and know that if you stick around for a while, things will likely change.

Try to focus on the positive. Obviously, they wouldn’t have hired you if they didn’t feel like you would be an asset to the team and the company.

I would also try to be as proactive as possible and let your boss know your concerns about your job performance. This will show that you are conscientious and committed to achieving the company’s goals. Communication is key. If he knows you’re making an honest effort to succeed and you stay in constant communication with him, it is not likely that he will just kick you out after 3 months if your work somehow falls short of the company’s expectations.

As for getting to know people, sometimes it requires a little extra effort on the part of the person who is new. This can be hard if you’re used to other people taking the initiative in such situations. Just be kind and show interest in others. Show that you’re curious about their team night out - ask them questions about it. If it sounds fun, let them know and, if you feel comfortable about it, let them know you’ll be coming along — after all, you’re a part of the team, too. Try to be as patient as possible in these early days and know that as difficult as it may seem now, that it won’t always be this way.

[crowningglory19]

That doesn't sound like a good work environment, it is hard being the only female there. If I was you, while you are still working, look for another job. That way you aren't desperate like when you aren't working and can say you are working but looking to improve your life and climb the ladder which looks good to interviewers. Taking magnesium will help get rid of your anxiety and calm you a lot! =) Blessings to you! You got this, sometimes change is good when you are the one choosing the change. <3