New here / Afraid of having another breakdown/ amazing Psychiatrist- maybe meditation changes? Afraid to talk about it?

[Ocean39]

Hi there everyone...

I’ve always been a pretty easy going & joyful person... over the last year or so my family circumstances have been totally overwhelming & I cannot express the physical & mental toll it has taken on me...

I am responsible the financial situation & have both an elderly aunt & older brother living in my home .

They are both depressed, the anxiety is so bad you can cut the tension w/ a knife.

I take care of everything in the house & also try to maintain the peace . ( people pleaser)

Traumatic Childhood- too long to type

I also have an older sister who has been on life support since Nov - flying back & forth for about 6 mths now, as I am her health care proxy..

Also take care of my fathers affairs... which is fine, youngest of five but I’m the one who seems to do it all, for years now ...which is fine because I’m ok with most of it, but it’s becoming exhausting and it’s too much now ..

My sis who’s I’ll,

Seeing her in this condition is absolutely horrible.. I went through with my mom before she passed as well...

I have had some pretty traumatic experiences over the years, more specifically over the last decade....

I’m finding that anniversary dates are affecting me significantly .

I will add I’ve had my own health issues, some very serious & almost past myself about 5 years .

With that I’ve tried to stay focused & positive without allowing anything to take me off course.

But, I’m the type of person who tends to not say “ NO” over commit & not exactly take care of my own needs

This time last year, I had surgery, about 2 weeks after I attempted to come off every medication I had been taking from Syntroid, protonix -

I also stopped taking Lexapro 10mgs, Xanax as needed & it was horrific- it was also during the 10 year anniversary of my mother’s death, a rape which I normally would not disclose ( but talking online is obviously easier) and in addition the the anniversary of when I had become seriously ill...

Add stop taking all medication- having surgery ( hormones were a mess ) ...

was also going through a breakup with a man I’ve been w/ on & off for over 15 years ...

The med thing, I was trying to clean my body I guess - bad idea..

I started getting sick physically than I totally broke down ...

Started having flashbacks, nightmares, panic and was crying over everything- I stopped sleeping for 4/5 days / it was literally the most frightening experience I’ve ever had... this went on for a week/ no sleep and everything was out of control/ but I was hiding it from family & friends ...

Finally I reached out to the psychiatrist who’ve i have been seeing for ten years since my mom passed.

She was amazing, immediately got me in, I told her everything..

She explained I was experiencing C-PTSD/ crisis, DX’d MDD ( explained I wasn’t manic or anything like that ) but the stress of everything was too much .

I explained to her I was taking 2mgs of Xanax and it wasn’t affecting me, helping at all- my anxiety was through the roof.

My psychiatrist gave me prozasin, propropanol, kept me on the Xanax - up’d my lexapro to 20mgs she also gave me Abilfy 2 mgs ...

She also had me download some apps for breathing techniques ...

She also had me start coming in once a month & calling once a week to check in on just to see how I was doing ....

I’ve continued to see her every month & been doing so much better....

But my family circumstances are getting worse again & out of control...

I’m starting to have massive panic attacks again, not sleeping again and when I’m home in that environment I’m so depressed it’s overwhelming/ I can’t convey how bad it feels .

It’s starting to affect my physical health, I’m terrified of experiencing what happened the last time & im for some reason afraid to even discuss it this time..

I guess I’m asking for some guidance.

I’m taking :

Lexapro 10mg

Xanax 1mg 2a day as needed

Topamax /50 to 100 mgs - migraines

Synthroid .075

I have gabenpen for pain... use as needed

And propropanol 20/40mgs daily

I am not a huge fan of taking medication in general -

I guess I’m concerned if I go too much into what’s going my Psych MD is going to want to add or change the medication I’m on right now -

But I’m drowning in depression & anxiety and down know what to, also scared of going through what I felt last year ... it really affected me & the experience lasted as I went through a long depression...

I only took the Abilfy for about 2 weeks/ started having some side effects but it helped tremendously while on it ....she even considered Latuda at one point explained it is used off label for MDD with Mixed Features- I have a clinical degree & am aware - agreed but made me super nauseous.-

Any advice is appreciated in terms of how to have a conversation with my Psych MD & really talk - new here thanks for any help!

[1uglychild]

Hi there,

I am so very sorry for the way life has been treating you recently. You have a lot on your plate, way more than any one person can handle. Bravo also for going back to the doc when you knew you needed too. And thank goodness you have a GOOD doc.

I think the very best thing you can do for yourself right now is to open up as much as possible to the doctor. I’ve seen time and time again in this group, people feel so much better after just having someone listen to them. Your doctors job is to hear how you’re feeling and do the best they can to relieve you from your suffering. They can’t properly adjust the meds if they don’t know how your doing. I feel like you also need to see a counselor/therapist to help you with the burden you carry. In addition to this you might really benefit from a support group. Your doctor should be able to help you find both, so please ask them.

As for living with anxious people, I know how that can feed your own suffering, and it’s so hard to get better when youre in an environment like that. You can feel it in the air, and it’s like a virus you catch. I know they rely on you but please take the time to get away from them when you can. I don’t mean work, but just somewhere you have peace. Even if it means just going to the basement to pretend to do laundry, while instead you watch cute baby animal videos. You need time away from your worries.

Please use this space as a place to unload your worries and fears, there are a lot of good caring people here who have been where you are and can give you good advice, or just an ear to listen.

[Wizardsmom in reply to 1uglychild]

I agree completely with 1uglychild . You need to disclose to your doctor just how bad things are. Your doctor may be able to guide you to know how to handle some of the situations you are dealing with. Do you have any positive friends or is there some kind of support group you can go to?

I do believe we have other people in our life for a reason. Find those people who help not make things worse.

Good luck!