I Don’t Know What My Deal Is

[SkyBlue32]

So here’s the thing, I’m new here (just joined today) and I just know that I’m gonna post a lot... I’ve got so much stuff that I just want to get off my back. So here’s at bit of background info: I’ve been homeschooled for about 8 years now and I just recently finished my senior year. I have a horrible track record when it comes to forgetfulness and procrastination, and the one thing I’m the worst at is *listening* and apparently *critical thinking*.

Now when I say ‘listening’, I mean I’m really bad at having someone tell me a list of things and then remembering them later on. It’s like my recall skills just don’t exist sometimes, or like I’ll completely imagine saying/hearing/seeing something else that the other person sWEARS didn’t happen (like they showed me something in their hand or gave me an extra order) Because of this, I can never find things when I’m asked to and I have trouble completing a set list of things to do. This makes me feel like I’m going crazy at times. Especially because my Mom is the type of person who is never wrong, and never mis-speaks. I’m always the one who hears wrong and because I have such a tendency to forget all the time, I can’t defend myself.

This has been a constant issue with me apparently since I was three years old. I’ve had other people tell me that I can be forgetful at times but they’ve never said I was horrible at listening or that I’ve just got a trash memory. My Mom says everyone knows it though and that I’ll never be able to live with other people because after the whole excited phase, they’d get tired of me and realize how bad I am at things.

I acknowledge my shortcomings and I know I’m not good at these things (and at times I feel I’m even being dramatic or self-centered) but sometimes I just feel like such a failure... and just like when I try to think of the causes/solutions to my problems, my mind sort of just goes numb. I honestly don’t know what my deal is...

I know I have something to do with anxiety, but I’ve never gone to a doctor/therapist to be diagnosed because my Mom doesn’t trust them as she’s had issues with them in the past and because she says you don’t want something like that on a permanent record. On top of the fact that she went to school for psychology (she never shuts up about it) and how she got to sort of intern in the doctorate program (focusing on childhood development/familial relations) even though she wasn’t going for her PhD.

Now my Mom is very, very smart (there’s no doubt about that) but she’s always talking about her past achievements, and how she’s basically a genius and how she’s able to get into any college she wants whenever (Johns Hopkins for example). So all this talk makes me feel even worse as she’s great at everything, but I’m lazy and forgetful and “okay with failure”. I never learn from my mistakes and I make things too complicated... etc.

I just... I don’t even know guys...

[Hidden]

Welcome SkyBlue32:

What it seems you have been going through much of is a maze. A maze with so many directions which can confuse people over time. Especially when it becomes a same pattern. It brings confusion, uncertainty, as to forgetting things often because you have to remember the many turns to get to where you feel a bit better. It does lead to confusion. I know that for sure. What you need to do is do your best to manage each turn and make it straighter for you to have easier access on getting through the obstacles you are going through. Take it one at a time though. Be patient with yourself as to keep notes. As you progress in this you will feel more at ease as to easier understanding on where things stand upon you. In order to make a difference you must believe you can do such. 👍🏻

[Nancy325]

Hi SkyBlue32, you’re going through a LOT! In reading your first post just now I felt compelled to reply for several reasons.

First, I’m glad you’re here. That took some decisions on your part that I feel was a good one. You’ve got a lot on your back, your shoulders, your mind, you’re entire body is weighed down with all this, and I don’t see that you’re exaggerating or embellishing anything. Please be more gentle with yourself, as you’re beating yourself up and making things worse that you’re feeling and being told by others, namely your mother. I’m speaking from experience of decades long problems like this with my own mother. I know you’re very young, and I’m wondering if it’s possible for you to see a counselor/therapist to give you another outlet other than your mothers thoughts on it. Your mother is not helping you, and you feel as if she’s superior to you because she’s told you she is I’m guessing all of your life? Being intelligent and studying psychology is great but there are those people who see themselves as perfect and anyone else as being beneath them or not good enough. YOU ARE GOOD ENOUGH!! You’re hearing all that you’re doing wrong, and nothing that you’re doing right. You’re trying in what seems to be a very stern and unforgiving environment from what I’ve read. WE ALL MAKE MISTAKES! WE’RE HUMAN!! YOU’RE HUMAN!! It also sounds to me that you have no opportunity for fun or finding out what YOU like to do or who you’d like to become. Many of us who’ve got or had parents with such high standards for us to meet can’t meet those standards because the bar is set so unbelievably high! They’re setting that bar at what THEY want and think you should be. Everyone is not the same. I don’t want to insult you’re mother, but her standard of herself sounds to the genius level like you’ve mentioned she’s said. I don’t know that to be true but I do know she’s not helping you by comparing what she thinks you should be by her so called “genius”. She’s missing the biggest factor here, which is YOU. She’s making you feel inadequate, by her opinions of you along with going a step farther stating that others agree with her and told her so. You’re explanation of what others think of you is not nearly as bad as her perception she’s putting into your head which is making you more anxious and panicking because your fear to not screw up is so high that it’s likely causing you to make these hearing and listening mistakes. You might be listening but your head is overloaded with self doubt and blame to where you’re listening to what’s being said or told to you but you’re not hearing it. Does that make sense to you?

Before I’ve gone any further, with my observation from my lifetime of experience with what you’re dealing with, I’ll stop here and see if you think anything I’ve said is possible and that’s how you possibly feel this could be, too.

I hope you have a good day or evening wherever you’re at. I’m in the US so it’s morning here now. I hope you get a chance to read this and answer back if you like. One thing I highly suggest is that you keep the fact that you’re on a website/forum like this private for now. I would hope your mother wouldn’t know you’re reaching out to a community like this, with her feelings about counseling etc., I doubt she’d feel it’s useful or right for you. This is for YOU, and if you met the age requirement to be here it’s your business, not anyone else’s unless you trust them to share your seeking help here. 💕

[SkyBlue32 in reply to Nancy325]

Thank you for sharing your perspective 😊 Yeah, I’m about 19 and I’m still trying to figure out my life. She’s always seemed supportive of the things I’ve wanted to do no matter what they changed to, but at other times she has certainly expressed her concern that for some reason or another I was just gonna fail college no matter what. I’ve somewhat come to terms that I might never be enough for her in a lot of areas, and at times I feel for my little brother as he’s 3 and she already considers him smarter than everyone else in the family (he is very smart), but she’s going to put so much pressure on him through out his life. As for her knowing about this forum, no way! 😂 I’m not telling her. I don’t want to be told that I’m selfish and blind and hopeless all because I can’t see what she’s done/is doing for me. I’d rather sort through things without having her involved rn because she can cause things to seem very different from what I feel like they are.

[Agora1]

Hi SkyBlue32, nothing is worse than a parent having high expectations for their child.

We all want what's best for our children but when it is about becoming what they are,

then it's wrong, it's stifling. When we are constantly given a list of do's and don'ts, after

a while we tend to tune out. Not because we aren't smart enough, but because our brain

is on overload from all the critical negative thoughts being fed to us.

You're still quite young at 19 and unable to really know who you are and what direction

you may take. It sounds like your mom needs to let her family know how smart she is

because she never received that gratification from others. We are all good at something.

Finding what your passion and goals are may take a little longer. Meanwhile, respect your

mother however, I do feel that you need intervention from a therapist in how to deal with

the criticism.

I'm glad you reached out to this forum. You will get much support and self advice from

others who have struggled with the same issues. Including myself. Stay positive. xx

[SkyBlue32 in reply to Agora1]

Thank you! I do love my Mom and I would consider her to be one of my best friends, but I can’t really talk about her to her y’know? She’s raised me as a single mother pretty much both of our entire lives as she had me when she was a teenager.

[Agora1 in reply to SkyBlue32]

Sky Blue, I would say it's been a tough life for your mother and she just wants what's

best for you I'm sure. As you get older, hopefully being best friends will turn into a

close mother/daughter relationship where you will be able to tell her anything. xx