So Im Josh, im 33, been dealing with the stuff i have been dealing with for 3 years id say, been a long 3 years. I was told at first it was just anxiety, all in my head until the hospital discovered i had a heart arrythmia called SVT, its scary when it happens but more annoying than harmful they say.
I let this thing control me, control where i went, when i ate, how i ate, if i could go out with friends, even my relationship. I lost alot from it. Biggest thing i lost was time. Im more upset about the time i wasted worrying over things i couldn't control. Time is fleeting, loved ones wont be around forever, and i was sitting here under a damn cover afraid to stand up. Finally i had enough and just started doing what i wanted. Went back to work, went back to hanging out, in some ways back to my old self. Recently it started to come back. I am sitting here right now freaking out about my HR being in the mid to low 50s when i use to worry about it being above 90, feel like i cant win. An anxious mind is good at filling in the blanks with the worst case imagineable but you have to learn and its not easy how to silence that pesky voice, the what if voice. Came too far for this, im just wore out from worrying about it. I had a great year but this kicked back off and i feel like im where i left off a year ago, annoyed that its back and burnt out. I lost my CBT doctor for anxiety, he relocated across the country to Tampa Florida, which if anyone is down that way Dr. andrew reed is the best doctor for anxiety and panic. THE ABSOLUTE BEST, he worked 20 years with end of life patients and was army helping combat vets, he knows how to help you out of that dark space no matter how dark you think it is.
Now that i lost him, and my ex and i split last year, she got with another guy because she couldnt deal with it anymore, im on my own and alone. Not sure what to do. Feel like that scene in Batman Dark knight where the hospital blows up and Joker is just like "wtf?" Shrugging, me right now.