I don't think I'll ever be able to cope with my anxiety based depression ! It has ruined my life and I no longer have the physical or mental energy to continue to fight its ravaging power ! I am a 47 year old Tennis Coach scratching a meagre subsistence living on the outdoor courts of North Yorkshire. I struggle to always fulfil my coaching hours due to the vagaries of the weather, particularly at this time of year and am suffering from intolerable levels of anxiety on my motorbike which is my only mode of transport of getting around for my lessons. My relationship with my girlfriend of 4 years has deteriorated to the point, whereby our status has reverted to a just friends situation which I find very painful to accept.
I know that I have to make wholesale changes in my life and to alleviate the financial burden of not earning a regular income have embarked upon a Teaching Assistants Course. I have gained a lot of experience of working with schools in my capacity as a Tennis Coach. Unfortunately, I struggle to concentrate and haven't even started the course I enrolled for in June, and which is now due for completion at the end of December. I am hopeful that an e-mail from my GP, should be sufficient to gain me an extension, but at the moment I'm just so exhausted to do any work on it.
I feel terribly lonely, and apart from the few adults and children I interact with as a Tennis Coach, many of my days are spent entirely alone. I do sometimes manage to go running 2 to 3 times a week though, and I very rarely miss my local Park run.
I have suffered with ongoing clinical depression for over 20 years, and at the moment I feel that I do not have what it takes to effect the changes that I know are required.
Thank you for reading, and look after yourselves everybody.
Damian
Written by
villeneuve1979
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Do you have a therapist right now? That could be so very helpful.
Also, I'd suggest trying to get out- just a little- to do some social things here and there. Join a club, take a class, etc?
With your class- you will get a note from your GP to extend the deadline, then- what do you see happening after that? Do you have a plan in place for completing the class? The class is, of course, a crucial step towards the current career goal. So taking that class seems like it's pretty important. Have you outlined the steps to get through the class? I don't know about you but I find that once I finally sit down and start something daunting like that, it all gets easier. It's the build-up, especially if there's been procrastination, that for me is the hardest part!
I have my favorite resources for anxiety on my profile, which I highly recommend. Perhaps you can gain some help from them.
Hello Damian, it sounds like you might consider working with a good therapist and getting on meds to enable you to cope and deal with your depression and situation. For me, getting on meds helped me feel what "normal" felt like and get my head out of the dark and start to be able to deal with my anxiety and life. Of course I had anxiety and resistance about getting on meds but I'm glad I did it anyway.
Hi Damian...thanks for reaching out and telling your story. I hear your pain in every word you wrote. I hope reaching out this way is bringing you some level of comfort.
I hear that you are very scared. I admire that you keep pushing along even though you don't feel well. You keep your appts and lessons. You are thinking forward looking for better employment opportunities. It may not be giving you the results you want, but the act of doing these things is an indicator that you are good at advocating for yourself. Take heart with that.
Sounds like your relationship changing is giving you one less piece of firm ground to hang on to. I hope you can find strength is what it has become...even if it has changed to being friends, that isn't a reduction in status. Just a change. And a friend who is loving and compassionate can be better than an intimate partner.
Alone time can be time to grow. Look into meditation and other tools or resources that can help you weather the storms. I hope you continue to share your story, your struggles, and your victories with the group.
Thank you for the benefit of your wisdom, kind words, and welcome. I have re read your message several times and take heart and courage from it.
My spirits were lifted yesterday, when I was told about a new Mixed choir starting in my local town. I have long since harboured an ambition to join a choir but for various reason hadn't not taken the plunge, but I am definitely going to go along to the first session sometime in the New Year. The Choir Director will be the same person that leads my girlfriends choir and I had always been very impressed with quality of the choir, considering it is a Community based choir, with no auditions necessary to join. A lot of my interests are sporting ones, and I feel I need to enjoy a different activity that will help me to engage socially, make new friends and to feel the therapeutic value of signing. I have seen how expressive, animated and joyful my girlfriend has been when she has performed in concerts, and along with running I am looking forward to adding another therapeutic activity to help in the fight with alleviating depression and anxiety.
In terms of my relationship, it will be beneficial for my girlfriend and I to build a strong friendship, in the future without defining whether the relationship will change as a result It may do, or more lightly it wont, but It is liberating, to be able to tolerate uncertainty and even embrace it. This problem strikes at the heart of my anxiety, and I know I don't have to know the meaning and significance of every last thing. We are going to spend Xmas in Scotland with her best friend's family who has breast cancer that has spread into the lymph nodes but mercifully not the bones or vital organs. They have 3 children whom I am very fond off, and it will be good to get away and rediscover the fellowship of being with good friends.
I hope you are prospering and looking forward to Xmas and the festive period ahead.
I am sorry for what you are going through. That is a real struggle and it would help if you can reach out to friends or relatives. These people really gave you good advice. The only thing I want to add is a response to your last thought, “at the moment I feel that I do not have what it takes to effect the changes that I know are required.” Do not let that “at the moment” linger and stretch for a long time because you will slip into a rut. Try to plan some kind of deadline at which you have finally done what you need to do. Within that timeline, put mini-deadlines of little goals that you can achieve and celebrate.
Your so right ! I am going to make a timetable with small manageable goals to strive towards at first and take it from there. It will be interspersed with physical activities such as running, tennis and swimming.
Thank you for your advice and consideration. It is much appreciated.
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