Engaged with anxiety

[tiffany1979]

I am engaged to what I feel is wonderful man sometimes other times he makes me question myself and him. Sometimes I feel the things he says and does are strange or not the truth but I'm not sure if it's from my previously bad marriage or not or if it's all in my head but I know I'm not crazy some things that he does just don't add up. Another thing is he finally got visitation with his daughter after fighting for a year so for the last month and a half every weekend he spends with her. Now at this time he pretty much goes MIA. Once in a while I will get a text but he refuses he answer the phone and the visitation is suppose to be 9-2 and supposedly the mom shows up whenever she wants hours late or not at all which means our plans get messed up and I get ignored the whole time. We are engaged in. I'm not just some random girl he's sleeping with. I feel as if either something is going on with the ex or something else is going on to totally disguard me during his visits knowing I'm at my house waiting for visit to get over so we can do what we planned and now every weekend for the last month I sat here by myself crying and hurt and feeling like my feelings don't matter and the ex gets more control then I do. I feel like saying I give up she wins because this is what she wants to happen. How many times am I suppose to be on the back burner and let down until it's to much

[Agora1]

tiffany1979, being engaged or married to someone with an ex and a child, know that they will always somehow be connected to your man. The best thing you can do is not cause any waves between you and your guy. Even to the point of being able to talk civilly to his ex. What counts now is the child they had together. Don't make him feel as if he has to choose. You will lose each and every time. By being supportive and understanding of his feelings, both of your stress levels will go down and he will begin to realize more and more in why he choose you to be his upcoming wife.

Good Luck, wipe your tears. You know he loves you x

[mysmugcat]

Hi. Why don't you do something, plan something the weekend? If you want to pm me we can chat more.

[tiffany1979 in reply to mysmugcat]

Because we make plans together and then the ex never shows up when she's suppose to and plans get cancelled while I sat around waiting all day. I try to understand it is going to take advantage of every minute he can get his daughter but when the mom intentionally does stupid shit like that I'm the one who gets hurts

[Indigojoe]

Tiffany1979. This is advice from one who has been in your shoes in many areas.

First, please trust your instincts.

This may not be the right kind of relationship for you at this time.

Men who have ex's and children from a previous marriage, will benefit from being single until their children are at least 18. The children need their parents to give them 100% of themselves whether or not they are married to each other. That allows the child to become secure and have less anxiety, fear, doubt and attachment disorders, like a lot of us have because of bad " parents".

Even if the father says "what about me, what about my feelings?" I deserve to have a woman next to me in bed..... bla bla bla........so he gets engaged.........again.......

Actually no.

A lot of us who have anxiety, fear, doubt, depression would NOT have some of these issues, to the extent that we do.............IF our parents had been PARENTS who committed to our growth and development as children and put themselves on the back burner for 12-15 years and focused on raising us to self soothe, have faith in our self,and help us learn how to make good decisions for ourselves, so we don't get into the conundrum that you are in now, etc

I am not speaking for everyone...............My experience and observations only!

This guy needs to focus on his child. Honestly, you don't want him to give up his kid for you, or be in contact with you when he is with his child. That is his job. Good for him. You should take a back seat to his children and will LLLOOOOONNNGGG after you think it's time for him not to do so.

YOU deserve to be the cherished one in a relationship that is healthy and does not give you reason to doubt, fear or question yourself or him.

When you align with a healthy honest loving partner, you get to do the work on yourself, in a gentle loving way.

"they" hurt us once, perhaps now we don't let others hurt us again.

We make beneficial choices for us, "today", that our family of origin could not or did not do when we were little. We deserve to treat ourselves very well. That is our first step in self care.

Let us know how this unfolds for you. Hugs.

[tiffany1979 in reply to Indigojoe]

I have children of my own that I include in his life on a daily basis. I understand getting his daughter now on a regular basis is new for both of us and we both need to figure out how to adjust. I will never make him choose his daughter or me. I have custody of my kids I know how it can be. I just don't like that the ex gets away with what she does and I'm the one who ends up getting hurt because I sit and wait for my fiancé to get done with his visit then the ex does not show up. Since the visitation schedule is so new and the final court date is not until end of November I am. It able to meet his daughter neither can my kids and that's what hurts also. Because I have been with him through the whole court battle for almost the last two years I already consider her one of my children I never do for my kids without also doing for her. It's hard to sit back and wait until we can actually be a family

[Indigojoe in reply to tiffany1979]

Tiffany1979.

Honestly the suggestion I made about being single until your children are at least 18 goes for any parent.

Your kids deserve YOU and you alone so that they grow up with a good self image, strong and a belief that they are #1 in your eyes.

When you are "caught up" in his life with his child and ex wife, that is valuable "HEART" time that could be devoted to your children.

IF you get Sirus XM, there is a lady on 109 who talks about this and makes good sense. East coast time from 2-5. Call in show, She's on every day.

Best of luck.

[tiffany1979 in reply to Indigojoe]

I'm sorry but your wrong no parent has to stay single just because they have kids. It's important for your children to see there parent or parents happy and just because your in a relationship that does not take away from the time you spend with your children. Many people get divorced and remarried if everyone sat home alone until there kids were 18 what kind of world would this be. Have of America is divorced or single parents. Every parent deserves to be happy to as much as any other single person.

[Findingme in reply to tiffany1979]

You are right, no parent has to stay single. But you are clearly not happy with this guy. As for America, how would it be? Maybe better, maybe worse. Depends on whether you feel the divorced people were right to walk away from their first bad marriage. If so, why should you be forced into oen when you know in advance it will be more of the same.