Anxiety over visitation

[tiffany1979]

So my fiancé finally got visitation with his daughter and since we still don't live together when he has his day with her I don't hear from him the whole visit. I know he's trying to make up for lost time but I feel like I dont matter when his daughter is around. I mean how hard is it to send a message that the visit is going good or shoot me a picture once in a while don't total just forget about me and make me feel like I'm nothing. I get that he has not seen her in a year but what about me I'm the one who's been fighting right along with you almost this whole time. Does this make me selfish? Am I wrong

[HearYou]

Hello. There is no right or wrong in the situation. And if you are feeling selfish, maybe you are. You have had him all to yourself for awhile, and even in the efforts to acquire visitation. So, yes, feel a bit left out....then get over it. You're the big girl in this situation.

If things work out well, please understand you and he have had your "honeymoon alone time" already. There is now a child in the mix and things change, not necessary for better and not necessary for the worse, but just change that you will adjust to.

You sound as though you trust him and perhaps you need just to let him use all the energy he can muster trying to figure out how to even be with his daughter. You don't mention his daughter's age and that can make a difference, too. If she is young, she may actually not know what to expect or act around her father.

How about just texting him that" you know he is going through a lot and know he'll do great. No need to text back. I understand. "

You are very much part of his life, but although a call might be nice, not feeling he needs to do that may be a great relief for him. He may be feeling like a man cut in two right now, wants things to go well and not have his daughter go back to her mother's acting as though she doesn't want to visit him again. And that he has a "girlfriend" which may upset the cart and cause her mother to start fighting against visitation again.

It may take a few visits before he and his daughter are comfortable enough to ease you into those visits. And to let her know she comes first with her daddy for a while, and you are not going to try to be her mother. Some women I know have taken this slow approach and reassured their step children that they have a mother, but they would always be there for the children, and women never complained or criticized their mothers.

My husband always had at least one day a week that was just for him and his daughter...Saturdays. They would have an activity and I stayed home. That eliminated competition on who was the best "mom". After we married she would stay with us sometimes, particularly if she and her mom were beginning to have tween or teenage tensions.

We did not live together until we were married. As much as you love your fiance, you may feel much more secure with that ring on your finger, than to become attached to his daughter and then you and he decided not to marry after all.

Instead of feeling left out, spend some time considering what his daughter and you will "call" each other. Please don't feel left out, just remember that his daughter is just being "let in" and that is going to take time for them to be comfortable.

Best wishes for your new family.

Please read the replies between kevoreally and me about what he had to say to you but thought it might be too simple. I think what he had to say was just right and said in much less words that I could figure out. So, take his suggestion and just breathe, it's going to be ok.

[kevoreally in reply to HearYou]

Wow. No words.

[HearYou in reply to kevoreally]

Huh? You are very articulate and insightful. Let it out for this woman. She needs your input.

[kevoreally in reply to HearYou]

No i meant like you put it VERY WELL like im SHOCKED because how well you put yoour heart into helping out! Like i was so stunned at how well your advice was and that i had no words.. so i wrote wow no words. Becaude i had no words lmao

[HearYou in reply to kevoreally]

Thank you for that...it's just that I have been there, done that. And know this is not going to be an easy life journey.

But I was sincere. I read what you write. Please add a bit of your view and insight. You can only help.

[kevoreally in reply to HearYou]

I have no advice.. i wish I did but i have never been in that situation and ai hope i never have to.. just all i can say is for the OP to breathe and what will be will be..? Idk im sorry o just came to say your response was great

[HearYou in reply to kevoreally]

Think your reply that to just breathe and what will be will be is right on point with a great fewer words than I used. That is the best advice anyone can get because we get so caught up in trying to solve issues, when just encouraging some one to relax and breathe is probably all most of us ever need. We do tend to over think things sometimes, don't we?.

And I just added to my LOOOONNNNGGGG reply for her to read yours.

[Agora1 in reply to HearYou]

HearYou. I wish I could give you a "10" on that answer. I contemplated it earlier but couldn't find the words. You did, perfectly and sincerely. It shows that experience does play into the best responses. Hope you are doing okay. xx

[HearYou in reply to Agora1]

Hello,my friend.

Just back from Mexico and the Caribbean with our monthly company trip that keeps clientele happy and me more frustrated with always gaining the weight I work so hard to get off the other 3 weeks of the month. Swear I am careful what I eat, but one never really knows what the food is prepared with as far as butter. oil, etc. And we again were playing chinese checkers with hurricanes. This year has been a very busy one.

Poor Puerto Rico was a direct hit by Hurricane Irma and then a few weeks later with Hurricane Maria....Jose missed the island.

The cruise ship businesses stepped up to the plate.. (that's a baseball term when a batter has the courage to step up to the batters plate (spot) and face the fiercest pitcher)...first to cancel cruises, fill their ships with food and water and emergency building supplies and sailed to San Juan, and then brought back the families of any Puerto Rican employe's families to the US mainland for safety.

I'll start the laundry tomorrow. Emptied the suitcases tonight. Could have it done on the ship, but Russell ended up with pick clothes one time...so we do our own when we get home. lol

Husband's cat came out of hiding within 3 minutes of us entering the house and has been talking to me ever since. So took some time to just brush him and let him settle down. Poor 7 year old boy down the street fed him the entire week and never saw him. Russell took a photo of the cat and hung it near the cat's bowls so Jake would know what he looked like. The cat has always disappeared somewhere inside or outside the house if anyone but family is in the house. Tomorrow we are trying to arrange a "corralling" of the cat right after Jake's Mom calls to let us know they are on their way to collect Jakes "wages" (his very first job!) and several small items we brought back for him. We really want Jake to see we really do have a cat.

Glad to be home, but in several weeks we are scheduled to fly to Barcelona to catch a ship and bring it back to Tampa for the winter season. Not thrilled. Terrorist activity there very recently, and the Atlantic Ocean is so much rougher than the Pacific. much rather be with you and in your garden.

WELLLLL< JUST REALIZED THIS WAS NOT A PM. Duhhhhhhh.

xoxo

[Agora1 in reply to HearYou]

HearYou, your life is so fascinating even w/o the hurricanes. Traveling all over the world, you must have a lot of stories. Should write a book.. I'm glad you get to relax at home for a bit. You must be real good at packing a suitcase and only bringing what you need. Years ago I went to Wisconsin for a week (drove) and you would have thought I was leaving the country with the number of suitcases I had. Some of us are just meant to be home bodies I guess

Take care and get some much needed R&R. Hugs xo

[HearYou in reply to Agora1]

Thank you. But is it not better to over pack and enjoy traveling to and being able to stay awhile with that mini closet? We travel for business, but never get to stay more than a day or so (except when crossing the Atlantic..,then its 6 days of same thing...water, water everywhere. Borrriiinnnngggg. lol.) I still over pack but learned to keep the clothes on light weight hangers and fold 10 dresses, slacks, etc., over together and place into the suitcase. (After making certain the cat is not in the suitcase) Then am able to unpack quickly by just hanging the clothes directly on the clothes rod.

[Agora1 in reply to HearYou]

Sounds like you got that down to a science

[HearYou in reply to Agora1]

The science of "duhhhhdon't decide, just take it all". Thank goodness ships don't care about the weight or number of suitcases.

[HearYou in reply to Agora1]

Thank you, but experience does teach us much after we manage to do something the wrong way too. Then I felt , yes, guess this young lady is a bit jealous, admit it, and then she can get over it. That's ok.

Then I could tell her what her future may be. I wish her the best, and hope that she can settle into a ready-made family. There'll be little privacy even if the little girl starts living there first one day a week, then if things go well, she'll be there more often in person by phone, by text, by sleep overs.

But the hardest will be years later when the daughter is grown, and our young woman realizes she only got to "rent" that daughter she has grown to love as her own, but is actually the daughter of her natural mother and father when it comes to her eventual wedding, and grandchildren. Such irony.

"Step-parents" often put the pieces together over time by getting the parents of a child to stop arguing and fighting for the sake of the child. All that love and patience and upset and work, and the day comes when we have to back away in order not to complicate the adult life of the child. Well, for everything there is a season....

[Agora1 in reply to HearYou]

Beautifully said HearYou :)xx

[tiffany1979]

Thank you for all the replies and advice. I want to start off by saying I'm in no way jealous of his 4 year old daughter. I have two children of my own but I never had to fight there father over custody it was a mutual agreement. Secondly I understand that he needs to get back into the swing of being with his daughter and don't expect him to call or text me every minute but during an 8 hour visit it would be nice just to get a hello at least once and yes it may seem selfish but through every court date and every lawyer appointment and every upsetting phone call I was there fighting just as much as he was and just to know his visit is going good and they are having a good time would be nice to hear since I can't be there to enjoy it with him yet. I know once she is apart of our family things will be different and my kids are already excited about meeting her as much as I am. Things that go through your mind when you have anxiety are hard to control sometimes especially when you have never been in a relationship with someone who has a child from a previous relationship it's all a learning experience