Hello everyone, I'm very new here but I googled what I was feeling and found some relevant posts on this site. They were really old so I figured I'd just make my own and see if anyone is feeling the same or has gotten through this.
I started seeing my fiancé just over 2 years ago and it was INTENSE love for that first year. We spent every moment together and just knew we were soul mates. In that time I suffered from anxiety over different things. It was either work, or something happening to him, or the world ending it just anything that my mind could fixate on. I managed to control this ok (especially once going off the pill) but always knew it was there and was something I would have to learn to live with. About 2 months ago we had a really big fight, both of us had been neglecting the relationship and ourselves because it had just been so easy at the beginning that we got lazy and didn't acknowledge things needed help. This was the best thing to happen, we had a few nights of staying up late and just talking and we both just felt so much better for it, it was like the old days. Unfortunately for me, this was the excuse my anxiety needed to come out. Somewhere during that difficult period I asked myself the question "am I in love with this man" and it has snowballed horribly since. He is the most amazing man, and I'm so sure he is who I want to be with forever. I am so happy when I al with him but now every time I see him or think of him I ask myself the most stupid questions "how would I feel if he died", "how would I feel if he wanted to move away, would I want to go with him?" And the list goes on. I am so blocked by my anxiety that I can't enjoy my life with him as I'm constantly comparing my relationship to what I perceive as "being in love". On the few days I get relief I look at him totally different, I want to touch him and be around him and would do anything for him, but then the anxiety creeps back and the walls go up. I know of I walked away tomorrow my anxiety would disappear but that is absolutely not what I want and I am In a constant battle with myself it's tearing me apart. I am seeing a psychologist and I do talk to my Fiancé about it but I can't be totally honest because I'm so scared he will be devastated at the thought of his partner "not knowing if she wants to be with him" as he doesn't suffer anxiety and wouldn't be able to completely relate. If you can help at all please comment, I would love to know others stories.