Anxiety ruining my relationship

[yllit88]

Hello everyone, I'm very new here but I googled what I was feeling and found some relevant posts on this site. They were really old so I figured I'd just make my own and see if anyone is feeling the same or has gotten through this.

I started seeing my fiancé just over 2 years ago and it was INTENSE love for that first year. We spent every moment together and just knew we were soul mates. In that time I suffered from anxiety over different things. It was either work, or something happening to him, or the world ending it just anything that my mind could fixate on. I managed to control this ok (especially once going off the pill) but always knew it was there and was something I would have to learn to live with. About 2 months ago we had a really big fight, both of us had been neglecting the relationship and ourselves because it had just been so easy at the beginning that we got lazy and didn't acknowledge things needed help. This was the best thing to happen, we had a few nights of staying up late and just talking and we both just felt so much better for it, it was like the old days. Unfortunately for me, this was the excuse my anxiety needed to come out. Somewhere during that difficult period I asked myself the question "am I in love with this man" and it has snowballed horribly since. He is the most amazing man, and I'm so sure he is who I want to be with forever. I am so happy when I al with him but now every time I see him or think of him I ask myself the most stupid questions "how would I feel if he died", "how would I feel if he wanted to move away, would I want to go with him?" And the list goes on. I am so blocked by my anxiety that I can't enjoy my life with him as I'm constantly comparing my relationship to what I perceive as "being in love". On the few days I get relief I look at him totally different, I want to touch him and be around him and would do anything for him, but then the anxiety creeps back and the walls go up. I know of I walked away tomorrow my anxiety would disappear but that is absolutely not what I want and I am In a constant battle with myself it's tearing me apart. I am seeing a psychologist and I do talk to my Fiancé about it but I can't be totally honest because I'm so scared he will be devastated at the thought of his partner "not knowing if she wants to be with him" as he doesn't suffer anxiety and wouldn't be able to completely relate. If you can help at all please comment, I would love to know others stories.

[Agora1]

yllit88, Just my thought but I don't think this has to do with anxiety as much as your own confusion as to what you want in life. So it is not the same as the intense feeling when you first met, that's life in the affairs of the heart. Unless you are being emotionally abused by this man who doesn't understand your anxiety, it is most likely coming from your own inner fears. Feeling that if you walked away tomorrow, your anxiety would disappear, I find unlikely.

Anxiety comes from deep within your mind. Negativity, what ifs, and fears of making the right decision are coming from you whether you had anxiety or not. Anxiety is just confusing the situation. You can't run from yourself or your feelings. He probably would be devastate in knowing that his partner may not want to be with him. I think therapy is a good way to settle your doubts and decide once for all what you really feel and want out of this relationship.

Anxiety will one day leave you with or without your partner. It seems like you may be blaming the wrong person for your anxiety. It's not your fiancé but yllit88. Love him or leave him is your choice. There is no room for middle ground when it involves another persons heart. xx

[Potcheroo]

Hi, When you said if you walked away your anxiety would go, well thats not true because you would focus on something else instead, dont lose your relationship because of anxiety, I have just gone through exactly the same as you and it is horrendous. You are trying to find a reason for your anxiety and when you have a thought that you dont like then your anxiety will make it a thousand times worse. It is only a thought and doesnt mean it is true. You are over thinking and need to find a way to stop it. It feels like your on a different planet sometimes, you can be in a group with eveyone chatting but you will sit there and think about your worries and thinking why cant I be like them. Also try to tell yourself when your stomach is churning and all the other horrible feelings that it is just adrenaline and it will pass, there is light at the end of tunnel.You sound very much like myself.I have just been in therapy called Metacognitive it shows you that there is a pattern in the way you think and how to change that pattern. Dont let anxiety ruin your relationship because it sounds like you had a really good one before that one thought took over everything else x

[yllit88]

Hello! Thanks so much for your replies I appreciate it so much. Iv had a much better couple of days, I think I had this expectation of what a 'normal' relationship should be like and when I didn't feel those intense feelings that I did in the beginning I freaked out! From there my anxiety caused me to become more and more distant from my partner that just made the whole thing worse. I know it's only been 2 days since my last feel out but something feels different now. Reading others posts who were going through what I was made me realise that they way I felt about my partner was entirely normal, once that panic subsided I was then able to look at him totally differently and those loving feelings came back so quickly. It really was a case of anxiety impacting my relationship not my relationship causing my anxiety. In saying that I'm still going to keep seeing my psychologist, I think I need to really work on my independence so that my partner is not my entire world and the cause of every happiness in my life, if I expect that from him it's unrealistic and will cause similar issues to resurface. Fingers crossed Iv gotten through the worst of this, I couldn't do it any longer!