I don't know anymore.

[PinPoint]

This may be very hard to explain what is happening to me, but I'll try my best. Over the course of my life I've never been to a psychologist or anyone that is a mental expert. From a young age of 5 I've had uncontrollable bursts of anger due to daily events I went though. Nothing serious just fighting back school bullies. It slowly caused me to have a short temper to the point of I want to kill people. I also had problems paying attention, but was very observant and could figure stuff out real fast.

I knew about my anger problems and obviously tried to avoid causing problems to other people, so I didn't have any friends until the age of 12. I exceled in academics except language. I also observed people's behavior a lot, made scenarios and stories in my mind to the point where I made an entire imaginary world. I also learned to control my dreams to the point where I can have a lucid dream every night.

After that I learned how to bottle up my explosive anger, I made a few friends. The rest of my life went well and I slowly wasn't so scared of people. I also kept in frustration or try to push it into my work. All the way up to the end of High-school.

Now that I'm in my 2nd year of university, my mind is literally in 10 places at once. I can't concentrate or study at all. Somehow I get easily distracted, my language is horrible. Speaking and writing wise, which is not helping me at all. I'm not getting good marks anymore and I slowly cannot keep up with the workload. I constantly overthink things or try to simplify them too much, even though I already have experience in the work and have already done something like it.

I'm a person that always expect the worst scenario and then make backup plans for them, but right now every single plan I have or action I make seems to be completely wrong and ends up backfiring to the point where I don't know what to do anymore. I also slowly feel like the fear of talking to people is coming back and I’m losing a part of my sanity. I also constantly get the feeling of getting into a fight. I'm not trying to control my life, I'm just trying to reach my goals.

I would like to apologize for my grammar, “Word” can fix spelling, but not grammar. Thank you for reading this long essay of my problem and thank you for your support.