I'm new here...REALLY wanting to feel better

[suzemw]

In my never ending search to feel better, I came across this community. Maybe writing and reading can help me and help others too? I'm almost 57 years old, and I feel like this is the worst time in my life. And it shouldn't be. But I can't get past all the stuff in my head. I can't quiet my brain.

Short recap - I've been married for almost 30 years with 2 independent grown kids - both living far from us. We're both "sort of" semi-retired (we still work at jobs we like with great hours) and are financially comfortable. We just bought a second home as a possible future forever home. We're physically healthy and in good shape. This should be the sweet spot of our lives. But it's not. I seem intent on making my husband (and myself) miserable and just wrecking our lives.

I am incapable of real happiness. I worry about my children endlessly. My daughter especially, as she's suffered with some mental health issues of her own, including an eating disorder and anxiety. I'm constantly beating myself up for being a bad mother. I'm quite sure my kids don't really "like me" - although I never doubt their love for me as their mother. I'm always angry at my husband. He's been a great provider and a loyal partner, but I constantly doubt his true love for me. I mostly think he's lazy and dependent on me and he's just content to go along the rest of our lives the way we are. He has the uncanny ability to wake up every morning and truly look at it as a new day. So no matter how hateful I was to him the day before, it's all good that morning. I, of course, have a memory like an elephant and can let go of nothing. I can remember an insult someone threw at me from 35 years ago let alone something he might have said to me in anger 12 hours ago!! Right now I truly don't think I even love him the way I should. If I could snap my fingers and not be married I would probably do it. But honestly, for many reasons (mostly having to do with finances and a sense of family commitment) we will never divorce.

I feel that I know where my issues began. My parents were old school, not very expressive loving types. They had a volatile angry marriage with my mom truly being the dominant personality. I was the baby on whom she put a lot of pressure - I was an accident, but thank goodness she had me because she'd rather be dead if I weren't there! And she was so overly critical. And a martyr who wanted to suck the life out of her kids. My dad never once said "I love you" to me and my mom probably only said it very very late in her life - when really facing death. I was not raised to be a very confident person. I can say undoubtedly that I do NOT love myself and most of the time I don't even like myself. I've been told many times by therapists that I definitely hold people to standards which are too high, but the person I hold the most accountable is myself. And my standards are pretty much unattainable.

I've done therapy (with my husband and solo) many times over the years. I've been on medication a couple of times. Right now I'm sort of plunging ahead on my own. At this point in life can I make this better? I feel that I need something to get me out of this state...

Thanks.

[philly101]

Welcome, I'd like to start off by saying congratulations on being married for 30 years. Many people can't last 5 years being married. I don't like to be over critical but it seems as though you are looking for something to go wrong. Retirement should be the happiest moments in your life. You mentioned that you're financially stable and are able to retire. Most people struggle to retire and end up working past there retirement age. Do you and your husband have any plans for retirement? Maybe you both should take up a couple of hobbies. Something that you both love doing. Enjoy each others company and don't stress over the little things. The more you stress over the little things, they tend to turn into bigger problems. You've worked hard all your life, go out and enjoy your retirement. Good luck and god bless!