Blank Slate. Clear screen, until I type, and just like that….my thoughts appear on the computer screen in little letters strung together to form words. 7:28 am on a Monday in my part of the world. Presidents Day today I believe. Today I will share a story that happened to me when I just turned 30….15 years ago I attempted an escape…yet here I am.
As I walked in, I felt faint. The mall seemed to almost spin. I could not swallow, and I felt terrified. I was rational enough to know it was crazy, but I could not help it. I reached for the pill bottle and ran for the water fountain by the bathrooms at the entrance. I lost my balance and fell down. All the pills scattered across the floor. Xanax everywhere and me laying there. As I looked up, no one asked if I was ok. Most pointed and looked at me strangely. I could see them talking and pointing. What a site I must have been. I decided death was my escape and that I would prefer to be the author of my own final chapter. I picked myself up off the floor and decided to handle the death of Shawn. This life with anxiety was so new to me and I had all I was going to take.
On my drive home, I always saw a large cliff. More than once, I had pondered driving off of it. All I could do was replay the scene in the mall in my mind. I saw the cliff and decided it was time to end this, to end me. I hit the gas and over the side I went. As I was airborne, I realized this was not the best plan. All of a sudden, I felt a large crash, it shook my whole body. I was alive. I was alive not by some grace of a religious figure, but by the fact that it looked like a cliff from the road. It was more like a small drop. It blew my shocks out and flattened my tires. I got out and looked at it all. I called for a tow.
The man arrived with the tow truck. In conversation, he asked me what happened. I explained I was trying to kill myself but it did not work in my favor. He thought I was joking. Just another page from the life of Shawn. Always taxing, never dull. I’d trade it all away for a 5 dollar bill…except I would wish the psychosis on no one.