The man arrived with the tow truck. In conversation, he asked me what happened. I explained I was trying to kill myself but it did not work

The man arrived with the tow truck. In conversation, he asked me what happened. I explained I was trying to kill myself but it did not work

Blank Slate. Clear screen, until I type, and just like that….my thoughts appear on the computer screen in little letters strung together to form words. 7:28 am on a Monday in my part of the world. Presidents Day today I believe. Today I will share a story that happened to me when I just turned 30….15 years ago I attempted an escape…yet here I am.

As I walked in, I felt faint. The mall seemed to almost spin. I could not swallow, and I felt terrified. I was rational enough to know it was crazy, but I could not help it. I reached for the pill bottle and ran for the water fountain by the bathrooms at the entrance. I lost my balance and fell down. All the pills scattered across the floor. Xanax everywhere and me laying there. As I looked up, no one asked if I was ok. Most pointed and looked at me strangely. I could see them talking and pointing. What a site I must have been. I decided death was my escape and that I would prefer to be the author of my own final chapter. I picked myself up off the floor and decided to handle the death of Shawn. This life with anxiety was so new to me and I had all I was going to take.

On my drive home, I always saw a large cliff. More than once, I had pondered driving off of it. All I could do was replay the scene in the mall in my mind. I saw the cliff and decided it was time to end this, to end me. I hit the gas and over the side I went. As I was airborne, I realized this was not the best plan. All of a sudden, I felt a large crash, it shook my whole body. I was alive. I was alive not by some grace of a religious figure, but by the fact that it looked like a cliff from the road. It was more like a small drop. It blew my shocks out and flattened my tires. I got out and looked at it all. I called for a tow.

The man arrived with the tow truck. In conversation, he asked me what happened. I explained I was trying to kill myself but it did not work in my favor. He thought I was joking. Just another page from the life of Shawn. Always taxing, never dull. I’d trade it all away for a 5 dollar bill…except I would wish the psychosis on no one.

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8 Replies

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  • Wow abomino!! Thank you for sharing your story. I can't imagine that kind of pain. I hope that you are dealing with everything a little better now than before.

    God bless you!

  • A dramatic story indeed.

    Is this an avenue for your literary talents?

  • Hello GoldFish. Not really. I've no attention span to write anything of value or greatness. If you are curious about my creative passion....you can view it here:

    -Shawn

  • And truthfully I have not even composed music in about two years

  • Wonderful. I like it. You're very talented Shawn.

    That looks like it could be a hit. Just got to work out how to market it

    Dave

  • I had a record deal at 18...small label...we went out to LA and the label folded lol. I have not written lately. I used to write and record constantly...all different genres. I have a home studio. Went on welbutrin and other SSRI's and really just have no creativity it seems anymore. Thanks for the kind words

  • Now that's bad negativity. It seems you have a rich vein of emotion to tap in to

    Just had a look at some of your videos. Really professional stuff

  • abomino, I'm glad you are still here with us. I am a big believer in that things happen in life for a reason. It wasn't your time at 30. Life had different plans for you. Sometimes when looking back it becomes clearer as to why we are here. It's not only to love ourselves but to love others that we meet along the way. Hopefully we will have a positive impact on someone's life. We may not be missed when we're gone but while we're here we are an important part of the puzzle. Thank you for sharing, I have a feeling you have a lot more interesting stories on what you have gone through in the last 15 years. We are all watching for updates. Right now, glad you are a part of this forum. It does help in coming together with our struggles along the way. Enjoy your evening.

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