So, my anxiety journey started with HA. I had a huge fear of dying of a heart attack, stroke, intestinal problems,.. you named it, I feared it
That went away when university started again, and I had a lot of distraction.
At the end of the semester (when exams almost started) I was quite sad one evening, because my friends hadn't ask me to attend their NYE party. I thought 'well, suicide would be an option', and instead of letting the thought go, it FREAKED me out.
Then I got a fear of negative thoughts, for example when someone said 'you're worth nothing' on tv or something, I thought 'what if I would think I would be worth nothing, would I commit suicide then?' and then the thought 'you're worth nothing' started popping in my head. Ofcourse, followed by huge anxiety.
I have vacation at the moment, and my friends are all gone skiing (and so is my boyfriend) but I can't ski so I'm not there. Still, I went to the city to drink something with an old friend, and while being with that friend I thought 'you have no friends, you should commit suicide', and again, followed by huge anxiety. It's like, adrenalin pumping through my veins when I think this.
Now it's more like 'you should commit suicide because you will never get better', that keeps popping through my mind, again, followed by that huge rush of anxiety.
I just can't make up my mind. Am I actually suicidal? Even typing this gives me that weird rush. I also can't read the words 'suicide' or 'death' or something, that causes a lot of anxiety.
My boyfriend comes home tomorrow from his skiing trip, and I'm sooo looking forward to see him. He comes home late at night so his mom asked me to watch a movie in the evening, before he's there. But the thoughts are horrendous, now I think things like 'You won't be able to watch that movie, because you will have committed suicide by then', or 'when you won't enjoy that movie you'll feel depressed and miserable and then you will commit suicide'. Again, followed by that anxiety rush and not daring to move.
A lot of people (including my psychologist and psychiatrist) say: you're afraid of it, so you won't do it. But I'm confused, because I read on the internet that more than 90% of people who commit suicide were very anxious when they did it???
Should I go to the hospital? I'm at home with my dad so I'm not alone but I'm really worried???