I've done this. Where you just stop responding to their texts. no more birthdays. no more queasy gatherings that always made me feel worse. It is the most nauseating , painful process. just disappearing away from your friends. But, the disgust you feel towards yourself becomes so overbearing, that being around old friends invokes the anxiety even more. months would past, they'd ask me how I was doing, and I hadn't done a single thing, what will they think of me???
I miss those dead friends. It's been years now. And I will randomly, uncomfortably, stumble upon one or two on Facebook and think, oh god. here it comes. the same old terrifying feelings of being disconnected, dislodged, exhausting, and unwanted. I remember how I faded away from them. how painful that was, and yet how painful it was to keep seeing them. Nothing felt "right" or "comfortable" or "easy". Losing a core group of friends, on your own watch, creates this open space in my gut, where fears flood in whenever I think of them. It's like "oh yeah, there are all those ugly choices I made, taking shape in the hollow of my stomach" . I'm scared. I feel that I will feel un-met, un-seen, and lack the social support of a cohesive group of friends for...well for the rest of my life possibly. your early 20s sucks bad. this world feels so cold and scary sometimes, it is remarkable. indescribable.