Throwback. Bet some can relate

Throwback- Surfside Beach 2014

And I Am...

Fancy restaurant beach-side today. The beast came out of the cage. For a few seconds I was uncertain where I was. Not now. Not here. I had to escape. Making my way outside, I thought about every stupid thing I have ever done. I wondered what crime I was being punished for this time. I see people and hear sounds. I am walking on the street next to the beachfront, most people I see look happy.

Vacationers drinking beer on their condo decks, scantily clad girls, and merriment are all surrounding the dark space I harness for myself. Better that way, need to be alone when I am like this. Can’t swallow, neck is tight, feel like passing out. Mental VS Physical. Me against the world. I dislike anxiety very much!

I don’t want to go back to the restaurant. It is noisy in there. With every scrape of a plate, every shrill when a knife and fork collide, my head feels like it is crushing in.

Dizziness sits on the fence just waiting, watching, and plotting. I really don’t know for sure which is worse. Having it, or the long onset that never materializes. I sit through dinner. I go through the motions. I seem to do a lot of that anymore. Maybe I don’t. Maybe it’s getting used to the new medications. I am certain of one thing…nothing is certain.

I am starting to realize I am exhausted from all of this. From everything really. There are times when I am up and others I am down. Definitely more of the down as of late. Six more days here....welcome to summer vacation 2014.

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1 Reply

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  • Abomino, You've got to go back to the restaurant and you know it. It's not the restaurant you see, it's the beast on your back. Only it's not really a beast, just looks and feels that way, it's really a toothless tiger, a recurring short circuit in your wiring, a shape shifter that doesn't really exist at all. So it makes you feel like sh*te but it can't kill, can't harm, and can only give you the jitters with your permission. So with hold permission, let the paper toothless tiger do its worse, accept all that, accept, give the wiring a rest. And get back to the restaurant.

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