Throwback- Surfside Beach 2014
And I Am...
Fancy restaurant beach-side today. The beast came out of the cage. For a few seconds I was uncertain where I was. Not now. Not here. I had to escape. Making my way outside, I thought about every stupid thing I have ever done. I wondered what crime I was being punished for this time. I see people and hear sounds. I am walking on the street next to the beachfront, most people I see look happy.
Vacationers drinking beer on their condo decks, scantily clad girls, and merriment are all surrounding the dark space I harness for myself. Better that way, need to be alone when I am like this. Can’t swallow, neck is tight, feel like passing out. Mental VS Physical. Me against the world. I dislike anxiety very much!
I don’t want to go back to the restaurant. It is noisy in there. With every scrape of a plate, every shrill when a knife and fork collide, my head feels like it is crushing in.
Dizziness sits on the fence just waiting, watching, and plotting. I really don’t know for sure which is worse. Having it, or the long onset that never materializes. I sit through dinner. I go through the motions. I seem to do a lot of that anymore. Maybe I don’t. Maybe it’s getting used to the new medications. I am certain of one thing…nothing is certain.
I am starting to realize I am exhausted from all of this. From everything really. There are times when I am up and others I am down. Definitely more of the down as of late. Six more days here....welcome to summer vacation 2014.