Needs answers desperately.

[Richy626]

Happy new year guys.

Well I'm unfortunately in a massively low place right now and have come here to help me make sense of things.

I found myself in such a frustrating place currently, after having health anxiety for 2 years following a panic attack, I realised it was all just anxiety and realise the mind can mimic what you are worrying about, eg I used to worry about my heart when palpitations started and used to have a tight chest due to it.

Once I realised it was anxiety I started trying to tell myself that around May last year, but then another panic attack hit in June out of nowhere while looking up at Thorpe Park at a ride, I became afraid of becoming agoraphobic and looking up at buildings would set off a panic attack, so the panic attacks continued and kept having them daily every time I went outside.

After trying a few different ssri medications, though it stopped the panic attacks, it only made me worse overall, feelings of derelisation and became afraid of things I'd never been afraid of before is nothing real? Am I stuck in a dream? Why am I afraid of irrational things I've never been afraid of before?

Became then afraid for my sanity, afraid of my imagination, afraid of thinking because I thought maybe the panic attacks were due to me thinking to much.

On the ssris I developed muscle spasms, among other horrible feelings that got so bad that I was signed off work, I came off them 2 months ago stopped cold turkey.

But I'm still having muscle spasms the moment I start to think anything at all, happening all over my body.

Now I know this is just anxiety and not health issues, but, I've never been worried about muscle spasms, body jerks or pins and needles happening before, nor that my brain has something wrong with it not for a long time at least, way before these symptoms started to happen, so why has this started to happen?

If I wasn't worried about my health and still aren't then why has my mind decided to start spazming muscles all over my body constantly etc, it makes no logical sense to me whatsoever, like I say the heart thing does. Looking back, my mind mimicked what I was most worried about, but why these spasms? I thought they were just a side effect of the medication but can't be after this long?

I'm beginning a staggered return to work, after being signed off for 5 months, and feel overwhelmed by the anxiety.

I agreed to go back about a month ago as it seemed to be improving, i found myself able to think, even though I was having physical reactions they were less noticeable, spasms pins and needles were slowly going but now it's all got a lot worse again!

Can somebody please give me some clear insight as to what's going on here? If I have some idea of why my mind is doing this then it would help greatly!

Also will I ever be able to think and use my imagination freely again without all these physical reactions?

[Agora1]

Hi Richy626, Starting from the end of your post....Yes, you will once again be able to think and use your imagination freely again w/o physical reactions.

You seem to have done well in reversing your fear of heart symptoms. Anxiety never wants us to get too comfortable with ourselves and so it waits for the right opportunity and hits us with another reminder that it is in control. That day at Thorpe Park looking up at a ride was a perfect time. I've gotten that myself at times when looking up. For those few moments it may impinge on the blood flow to our brain, sometimes causing dizziness which inadvertently gives us a panic feeling. The average person may sense it and let it go. For the anxious person, it takes hold and goes into an attack where it starts to grow into the fear that every time we look up we will experience this panic. You've accepted anxiety once and now you have to do it again.

As for the spasms and pins and needles you are having has a lot to do with having been on the SSRIs and getting off them. It takes time for our brains to heal, to adjust to living without the meds. Allow the healing to begin and not worry about it or you will be inviting a secondary anxiety. I have been off benzos for 2 years and still experience some pins and needles and spasms at times. By far, I am 99% better than at the very beginning of coming off drugs. Even though my brain has healed, I expect there to be a few flukes here and there at times. Accept and let it float by you. You will be okay again. Continued success in getting back to work.

[Richy626 in reply to Agora1]

The heart symptoms began soon after my initial panic attack 2 years ago, I did get a heart monitor put on me etc, which came back as benign palpitations.

Now eventually I ignored the tight chest feeling and what not and it went away on its on eventually but the feeling of a heavy head, unbalanced and a tight neck all remained throughout.

Along with the constant worry of my health.

All the way until June this year when the second panic attack happened a Month after I realised it was just anxiety.

Why is it I had a panic attack and then kept having them after I realised it was just anxiety shouldn't that knowledge have calmed me down?

Instead it began what so far as been half a year of hell.

And I'm not entirely sure that these muscle spasms are a result of the medication anymore, I'm worried now my brain has learned it from the medication and now they won't stop happening every time my anxiety starts to happen no matter what the context.

Thanks for your reply.

[Agora1 in reply to Richy626]

Richy, I've lived through the same symptoms, actually still have the ones regarding my head. The heavy head, unbalanced at times and a more than tight neck every day. I may not worry about my health but never the less the pain and tightness is still there. Realizing it's anxiety based does not necessarily make our body react to that thought. Rationally, we know what causes the symptoms, but this free floating anxiety is always there not allowing the muscles to completely relax.

Depending how long ago you came off the SSRI will determine how long it may take for your mind and body to totally adjust to being on it's own. Even talking can exacerbate my facial muscles. I don't chew gum any more because the muscles get so tight that it produces a full headed feeling.

Using muscle relaxation and deep breathing helps keep me in control. We win in some aspects of anxiety but always have to be aware that we need to work on it. Just as an alcoholic can never have even 1 drink again without sliding back, we as anxiety prone people, need to be aware of what makes our bodies cross that line.

[Hidden in reply to Agora1]

Im in that place too. Im off work yet again and lm hving trouble picking myself up. Shaking, depressive thoughts, horrible mornings, bad dreams. Its one of the hardest battle lve had as l live on my own with my dog. Im reaching out for help all the time but worried that people get fed up of me

[Agora1 in reply to Hidden]

Timeless, I'm sorry but I also understand how difficult it is to pick yourself up again after a traumatic loss. It is a daily battle that can be won by acceptance. You have probably gone through all the stages of grief and are now left with scattered pieces of yourself which need to be put together again.

It may not be like it was once before but through strength and determination you can and will become whole again. There is nothing wrong with reaching out for help. Our hand is always extended to anyone and everyone on the forum. We don't get fed up with people but rather support and understand their pain.

I like your name "Timeless". I've always considered myself in that realm of life. Neither being in the past or the future but always in the present. (Timeless)

It is never too late to turn your life around. My best, Agora1 x

[Richy626 in reply to Hidden]

I feel the same way, but if these people are family they love you unconditionally, if they are true friends they won't leave your side when you need it, and would have shown you the door by now I imagine if they had got fed up of you, but as you can see from this thread I can vouch for this forum being an amazing place to lift your head up also if you feel shy of unloading to those around you sometimes, also ring the Samritans if you ever just need to unload, they can't give you direct advice as such but they listen and encourage you, and let you completey unload how you feel without any judgement, I believe they are open 24 hours a day also.

[Richy626 in reply to Agora1]

Thanks as always for your advice and positive support, I lost patience with it but you have helped me to remember it will take a while and not to lose patience so quickly and easily with it, stay strong in yourself also.

[Jeff1943]

Richy, do talk to your doctor about the spasms and the pins and needles but I believe that all the symptoms you mention past and present are caused by sensitisation of your nervous system caused by stress, worry and too much introspection. I think you are frightening yourself and allowing the initial fear that each episode of symptoms brings to cause second fear: the fear brings more symptoms which brings more fear which brings more symptoms and the never ending anxiety causes your nervous system to remain sensitised.

No matter how long you have had this problem and whatever originally kicked it off you can free yourself and recover. Meds are helpful but they only give temporary relief and do not cure. The only way I know to release yourself from anxiety disorder is the Acceptance method advocated by Doctor Claire Weekes which she developed more than 50 yea4s ago and her books are still available from Amazon either new or used (for one penny plus postage). But it is not a quick fix and requires persistance to learn how to temporarily accept the symptoms which breaks the never ending circle of fear producing more fear and allows your jangled nervous system to eventually recover.

Richy, if you spent half the time practicing Acceptance it would do you a wholevlot more good than constantly testing yourself to see if it's still there accompanied by obsessive introspection. The book is called 'Self help with your nerves' and it's life changing.

Thevmethod also involves what Weekes calls Floating, a strange term, by what she means that whilst practicing Acceptance you sort of switch on to automatic pilot and do the things that you normally do which in your case means gradually returning to work. You will find you are well able to do this and occupation will help to stop you obsessing about symptoms that are no more than blips in our nervous system and although they make you feel uncomfortable they are toothless tigers because they cannot cause real or lasting damage to your body.

Life is testing you, Richy, that's what life is all about: Not for ever by still waters and all that stuff. Life does not present you with any problem without presenting you also with the means to overcome it and what does not destroy us makes us stronger.

Now you know everything you need to take your first step along the road to recovery, it has many twists and turns and not a few obstructions but with persistance and knowledge you WILL succeed as countless others of us have.

[Richy626 in reply to Jeff1943]

You have hit the nail on the head, some of the things you have realised I didn't even mention but you still managed to read between the lines, I can't thank you enough for this message and I will read it whenever I need to ground myself again and get things back into perspective, though some of the things I had realised and some people had already told me you just totally unscrewed it even more for me.

Continue to share your advice and wisdom on here, for me it was invaluable and you do make a huge difference.

Also I have seen the Doctors about it before and had a CT scan of brain which came back clear.

God bless you.