Bad thoughts but not a bad person

I started with anxiety whilst on a holiday in America in 1999 it just came out of nowhere one minute I was fine the next I was in a terrible state. Seeing things, frightened, sweating from my hands, pains in my head. I thought I was going to die.

When I returned I visited my doctor and he said I was suffering from anxiety but did not give me any medication to treat me.

My Mum passed away in November 2000 and I was admitted into hospital, as again I was seeing things and having hallucinations. Severely frightened, clammy hands, pains in my head. I was put on Olanzapine 10 mg and was told I had a chemical missing in my brain which dealt with stress and emotion and that I had had a psychotic episode.

I have had problems on and off ever since, same again when my dad passed away in 2008

In December 2015 I was diagnosed with Endometriosis and placed on Gonapeptyl and HRT, I still take 2.5 mg olanzapine and cipralex anti-depressant.

I have started having problems again I have this thought in my head that when I die everyone who knows me goes into a time when they are at their worse and do not go to heaven when they pass away. I feel that this is all my fault and I fear having an operation for my endometriosis because I am terrified what might happen to the people I love if I was to pass away during the operation. I am not a bad person at all, I am kind to everyone around me. I help people and would give any one my last penny if they needed it.

I feel everyone knows what I am thinking and they are giving me dirty looks in public

I don’t know why I have these thoughts but it is worrying and upsetting me very much. I love my Mum and Dad with all my heart and I miss them every day, I am unsure if they are at peace in heaven, because of these thoughts.

I don’t know if I am suffering from OCD anxiety and I don’t know what to do.

3 Replies

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  • I also offf the fear and thoughts off dying all the time doctors told me am fine its just my anxiety

  • Thank you lovely for your reply really appreciate your help

    What have you being diagnosed with please and do you take medication

    Hope you feel ok today babes

    Love janet xx

  • I have been dignosed with anxiety a dont take medication as my symptoms get worse am waiten to joine anxiety classes its just yhe thougth that a think am going to die all time scary can bearly sleep

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