I am new to this site and this is actually the first time I have ever joined a help site dung them over the years in hope of hearing other people's advice on how to cope with what life throws at us.
I am 26 and have struggled with anxiety and depression since a young age. Different life events and lack of support from family contributed to a real feeling of hopelessness, anxiety and OCD then afterwards depression. I have a younger brother with special needs and a lot of time and attention was devoted to him. I couldn't relate to my parents and the family I did relate to lived 300 miles away - down south.
Fast forward to now and I am down south and live at home and work locally. I have gone from job to job and even lived with different family members in order to "feel" a part of something. I try to exercise and read all about how to achieve happiness and meditate etc.
I am looking for other work abroad as, despite always wanting to live south where my mothers side of the family are from, I do not have much keeping me here. I feel at this stage in my life it is so so hard to establish my roots here and feel excited as I once did as a child. I know everyone grows up of course and feelings change but it is a very very overwhelming feeling of ot feeling a part of anything.
I now don't see my family - grandparents are whom I am mainly referring to - because my mum is usually around there and I avoid her company because I feel I have always been ignored in many ways by her and now I don't want to be in her company. Yes I live with her and it's hard to avoid her but I do. I find her very one sided and if a topic doesn't affect her life, she wont give it much time. She has never been someone to give me valuable and helpful advice and never made me feel truly supported. I'm sure it's because she always felt unstable having a disabled son and living in the north, my dads family did not help out. I cannot understand why she moved us away from her parents in the south - she isn't a very wise person in my opinion.
Basically, I am flooded with emotions as I am sure you can tell. If anyone is still reading this post, I appreciate it and words cannot explain the full picture - well they could but this would be very long post.
Trying to find a new job has given me something to focus on. I am still filled with regret and fustration that I couldn't have helped myself years ago as a teenager growing up feeling very alone and vulnerable at school and with no parents to turn to. But hindsight doesn't offer that luxury. Part of me would like to mentor other children and help people who are victims of neglect etc but I think I need a new place, a new start, and even saying that is daunting because although I am very independent - I have had to be without sounding too "bring out the violins" - it makes me realise how alone I am.
As a final word, I am applying for jobs on cruise ships where I would be working for 6mo at a time maybe longer before having a break. People say you need to be good at being away from home - I just think - "what home?" I really hope I will meet people that will be like family to me and not be a counsellor or anything but just be good friends. If I get employed on a cruise ship - I have an interview coming up - i hope that I will find people after my own heart - maybe who also feel they want a fresh start and are not too tied to their families back home. I sometimes feel like I am the only one who is truly alone. I know I am not but I really really feel alone and very desperate for company and love sometimes.
I would love to let go (for good) of what I cannot change - i.e. Growing up somewhere I didn't feel comfortable, confident or supported in, having bad OCD for many years as a way of trying to cope with cruelty in my life and lack of control and support, not moving to be closer to my family until I was in my twenties....I know I was a child basically but I still feel envious of people including family such as cousins who always had a good network of people around them...I know them well enough to know this is true.
Any wise words and similar stories please feel free to share. I know my story is a bit disjointed but I wanted to touch on as much as I could without going into too much detail as I don't think people would want to read a whole books worth - which I understand!!
Much love and I am grateful to this site for allowing me to reach out,