Hello. I'm wondering if anyone experiences a similar type of fantasy-thinking.
It is hard to be in my own body. I have to prepare myself before leaving my house, my clothes have to feel right, my face has to pull together right, and I have to have some fantasy that I look like some intimidating, amoebic, transperson. Ultimatly I fantasize that I am a boy that passes as a female. It's strange. But , it is how I feel.
IF I don't do this kind of fantasizing about my looks/who I am, I walk out feeling like a giant wound, getting bruised by any eyes that lay on me. Without some kind of confidence-boosting fantasy, I am utterly depressed, anxious, and feel disgusting.
I find this type of fantasizing extends further into my ability to enjoy life. If I am not reading a novel, or not obsessing/worshiping some kind of fictional character/world...then I find it increasingly difficult to celebrate what is in front of me. I compare it to people's obsession with astrology and their own "signs", or their clinging to some psychological archetype. If I don't have a blueprint of somekind to formulate myself next to, a fantasy inside of me about myself, then I seem to feel very dull, lost, and often dissociated. Ahh. So...can anyone relate? Or agree that life is just plain dull without stories and fantasies?