I've been a drug addict since I was 17 (29 now) I've not been addicted to anything nearing a year. Even my recreational drug use has dwindled down to THC which I feel only benefits me. I'm diagnosed Bipolar type , I've been on lithium, depakote, I could list on and on down to the vistaril they give me to try and help me sleep. The grass works, i've come to depend on it, especially for sleep... I had my first panic attack on a drug MXE about 5 years ago. It felt so much like a heart attack I was rushed to the er in an ambulance. Since then I've had 4 more legit, painful heart attack like panic attacks that end with me passing out... and many more where i just nearly smother and feel sick to my stomach. I've reached out for help in Opiate addict support groups, because as my anxiety amps up, the allure or a big quarter gram shot of heroin doesn't only sound wonderful, i feel entitled to it now. I feel broken, and doomed. I attempted suicide less than a month ago. I've been looking into buying a helium hood for a peaceful death. Before drugs I was the life of the party, even a little sociopathic. I always had a group. Now I get anxious laying in bed with the one person I see, my girlfriend. Even answering texts makes my heart race. Buring withdraw and PAWS my anxiety was indescribable. it's been long enough now. it's like withdraws got a little better each day, then just got stuck in the middle... and never progressed. I've come to the horrific realization that this is how life feels, and I had just forgotten. I've been taking Buspar lately. It's been over 3 weeks. seems useless. Something like xanax... I couldn't just take my dose. If it was in my hand I'd eat 3 or 4 and snort some. I dont want to die this very second... I have these clear moments where something in me is screaming for it's life... but it's becoming weaker. I don't even know what to say around people. mostly i just give one word responses and hope they don't think I'm "mad " at them.. It feels good to put it out , even if no one sees this. I'm scared this is as good as it's going to get, and if that's the case. I don't know if I'll make it much longer. I just keep waiting for my brain to repair itself.