It's never going to end.

[Isolatedartistky]

I've been a drug addict since I was 17 (29 now) I've not been addicted to anything nearing a year. Even my recreational drug use has dwindled down to THC which I feel only benefits me. I'm diagnosed Bipolar type , I've been on lithium, depakote, I could list on and on down to the vistaril they give me to try and help me sleep. The grass works, i've come to depend on it, especially for sleep... I had my first panic attack on a drug MXE about 5 years ago. It felt so much like a heart attack I was rushed to the er in an ambulance. Since then I've had 4 more legit, painful heart attack like panic attacks that end with me passing out... and many more where i just nearly smother and feel sick to my stomach. I've reached out for help in Opiate addict support groups, because as my anxiety amps up, the allure or a big quarter gram shot of heroin doesn't only sound wonderful, i feel entitled to it now. I feel broken, and doomed. I attempted suicide less than a month ago. I've been looking into buying a helium hood for a peaceful death. Before drugs I was the life of the party, even a little sociopathic. I always had a group. Now I get anxious laying in bed with the one person I see, my girlfriend. Even answering texts makes my heart race. Buring withdraw and PAWS my anxiety was indescribable. it's been long enough now. it's like withdraws got a little better each day, then just got stuck in the middle... and never progressed. I've come to the horrific realization that this is how life feels, and I had just forgotten. I've been taking Buspar lately. It's been over 3 weeks. seems useless. Something like xanax... I couldn't just take my dose. If it was in my hand I'd eat 3 or 4 and snort some. I dont want to die this very second... I have these clear moments where something in me is screaming for it's life... but it's becoming weaker. I don't even know what to say around people. mostly i just give one word responses and hope they don't think I'm "mad " at them.. It feels good to put it out , even if no one sees this. I'm scared this is as good as it's going to get, and if that's the case. I don't know if I'll make it much longer. I just keep waiting for my brain to repair itself.

[Christina10778]

You are an amazing individual who is worth so much more than you realize. You've gone through a lot, but, you are coming out of it. What you are experiencing is a transitioning phase...a mix of change in your "norm", getting to know who you truly are, learning "life", and experiencing some depression. It isn't how life is...it's just you going through a change in your life. Don't give up. Remember, life is what you make it. You have to build it. And that gives you so much amazing power. You'll get through this and you'll be so much better for it. I promise.

[Christina10778]

Quick question: Do you have a therapist that you see regularly???

If not, it might be something you should look into...one who specializes in dependency.