Better day

I have a better time of it today. Thank you all for the kind words and encouragement. I have been thinking about my daughter Mechelle and our talks about how concerned she was that I wouldn't be alright once she was gone. She cried once, saying she couldn't bear thinking that I wouldn't recover from the loss of her. I made her a promise to try as hard as possible to be ok and be happy again one day. I do have another daughter and a son who love me and that I love more than life, as I loved her. She was my first born and the child that I was pregnant with when my mom died. I was 5 months along. Her birthday is coming up in September. Anyway, remembering my promise that day to her and that I must try to be whole for my other children, I will try to get better. I will keep fighting for them, my husband, her memory and to make my own mother proud if she had been here. I promised myself when she died to live in a way to make her proud from then on. And I did get busy with my children and the rest of life. And I think she would have been proud of me. I tried to be strong. It was just, loosing my child is so much to bear. I shall just imagine the love and support Mama would be giving me if she were here for me, and I know she would be here for me had she known how we loved her and needed her and had she not lost her battle with her depression. I share here because I feel I can't share how deeply sad I get with my children. They too are grieving the loss of their sister. I feel that I have to seem strong for them. My husband does not feel this loss the same as I do. She was born before we met, though he helped me raise her and loved her, I feel if it had been one of his biological children he would feel it more acutely. But then, he always grieves differently than i. He says, they are in heaven and we should be happy for them. And I do believe that she is in heaven, we are believers in God and Heaven. But I still miss her being here with me. I have worked on my quilt some and it makes me feel better. If I sew instead of rocking and humming my anxiety goes down. I'm glad to have found something to help. I thought last night that I will make quilted throw blankets and donate them to the cancer treatment center where Mechelle took her treatments for them to give to their other patients to keep and use while they are taking chemotherapy. And I will do this for her memory and with a prayer for each person getting treatment. I think that will help me.


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