I am suffering all my life. There's so much I need to talk to someone about and to get off my chest but the reality of it is I find myself here because the one and only person I have in my life and trusted to a certain extent and whom I thought would give me the little bit of love respect and support a human needs wants and desires especially in a relationship turns out to feel like my worst enemy! My bf n I met during a really devastating time for the both of us although we had many differences in our relationships prior to meeting it had put a huge impact on us as an individual. I who just came out of a very abusive all the way around relationship. I was beaten, belittled, made to feel I was worthless, but at the same time was being controlled sometimes even left stranded defending for myself in moments notice we were on an off for an entire year and I lost myself because I was unhappy so unhappy that I would have horrible thoughts suicidal but never acted upon my thoughts because I have 3 kids I love and adore and could never put hurt on there heart for I know how pain feels to well. But in this time that we kept splitting up it was the very last straw he packed his things took everything! N left I had to start over. I ended up having sex with several men over the next month unprotected yes not smart obviously for I ended up getting pregnant in that month not knowing who the father was so I was already devastated I did what I had to do I took care of myself n was going to raise this baby on my own! So the next month I'm now a month pregnant I end up staying close to friends having them around to feed them let them game it up here whatever it was home to them to. Well then one of my friends asked to invite his friend over to my house I said that's cool. Always like to meet new people. Little did I know I would start crushing maybe I felt lonely didn't know what my life would become of letting another man in my life. He was a wreck when I met him mentally his gf had cheated on him n he was lost to. I stood by his side and told him I understand n I will be there for him he continued for the next 3 months to talk to the ex that cheated on him in my house living here hiding in bathroom to video chat her and talk on phone ect. Who really knows exactly went on or what else but eventually I caught him I kept telling him it's me or her I even begged n pleaded with her myself to leave us alone or take him back that I shouldn't be put in this position to be thinking this man sleeping with me living with me is still having a relationship with his ex. I guess right there's a big red flag right? So she stops texting,calling n then he tells me he pays her bills cell bill and will continue to but he has stopped that sense I stopped talking to everyone even the possible father's! My friends that I had around b4 one of my friends brought him here. I gave him my all he ends up being controlling, telling me what to where, I need kids or an adult with me to go somewhere I eel trapped and angry hurt mistreated and want out I start looking at porn I start seeing in my mind my bf and this porn video girl doing it together not the people in actual video I look t the female wish I was as pretty as her as tight big boobed why do I have to feel this way he still goes behind my back because I did that out of hurt to get back at me and watches porn I seek revenge and join a pregnancy blank site to seek out men who would get with a pregnant girl for now I am huge and about to burst and my emotions are gone. I'm numb time to time but I get over it and continue loving him I go to hospital to have my baby and he can't come because whatever reason so I'm fine with that he will be there later. He does but later that night he goes home I'm alone I get on fb n start assuming n freaking that he is cheating on me as you can see there's no more trust. I text him he reasures me he's not I was malpractice in the maternity ward but I acted as if I as well taken care of so he can rest finally. when I get to leave finally I go home and am enjoying time spent with new baby but apart of me feels weird and missing because I no longer am preggo I mean man its crazy I go to sleep wake up my baby's r all still sleeping I get on fb and I start searching new friends adding any girl boy I can cause I'm bored n dk what to do with myself til my newborn wakes up I get on my bfs phone and right in the browser was porn my anxiety ski rockets I'm angry hurt I wake him up he denies n lies right to my face. And then he continues to go to sleep I'm sitting up pondering to myself how he could just go to sleep carelessly while I'm hurt crying alone feeling all sorts of different things but I move on from it I didn't care that it was porn namely it was the timing like why right after I have a baby to make me feel 10x worse can anyone relate? I feel emotionally abused to much to even handle at times I forgive n move on he apologized because I ended up coming out with reasons I'm against porn or men who seem to sexual is because I was raped by my brother as a young child and not only that but 2 more guys raped me after that different times in my life so why I love sex like anybody n give it to him anyhow which way and am open freely about it even after I still feel insecure about my body because all this escort porn having stuff well then I feel like maybe he will not care about porn anymore I been giving him more favors then usual we randomly went off to the woods for a good time a job under the sheets I mean something multiple times everyday!!! Of the week and then we start argument bringing up the past got heated we calmed n I went to take a shower he says I'll be up in a min I want to take one to I finish my shower he jumps in I go down stairs I see his phone yes I have every right to not trust him I have every right to go thru a man's phone that will be living under my roof sleeping with me every night and he does the same way more then me as I said CONTROLLING anyways I see in his phone chatterbate I wonder what that is I go to it and what do you know a live cam girl! I am devastated at this point this just happened lastnight I been crying all the time I need help! I need someones advice on what did I get myself into I left everyone I knew and cared about for this guy. I put him as the father of my daufhter why do I feel I can't go on. Am I crazy? PS soooo much more had happened on both party's side but I wanted to get to the basic subject at hand here. My ? Is he cheating on me virtually, I mean porn seems like one thing but to be paying to watch a girl live n to be commenting or giving her money god it makes me so sick! Men r pigs my bad MOST men. Every man I ever been with Ben just like this where can you find a better type of man why am I cursed and if we're a simulation they must hate me and be messing with me and there can't be a god if I'm choosing the wrong guys this much!! Rant over please comment your feelings on this situation I feel better already just have writing this out n expressing myself to someone out there thank you!!!!