so i definetly think i'm crazy sometimes i feel like i've been crazy all along... i don't know what my problem is but it hurts i'm in pain

[maelisaaine]

i used to believe that the wind spoke to me i ended up spraining my ankle because then i believed the wind had told me to jump and i did i've been thinking about that one a lot recently... also i'm terrified of apples i never used to be but once i got really freaked out because i was drinking apple juice and i really cannot explain it in the slightest but i'm really scared of apples i feel like i wouldn't be if i didn't want to be but i have not been able to even really touch an apple without freaking out... it's the same way whenever i'm in a really hot car i'll hold my breath unless a windows open and i'll force myself against the door i've passed out a few times from holding my breath and i can't explain it it's not a smell or anything i just get a feeling that if i don't something will happen and i can't bring myself not to hold my breath and stay close to the window and i almost don't want to and i'm really bad at letting things go like my rat died quite a bit ago and i knew it would eventually but i have not been able to let myself get rid of the cage and i almost always have to be wearing my coat no matter the weather because i worry a lot that bad things will happen if i don't have my coat and or the stuff i carry inside it and even though i almost never use the stuff inside my jacket i feel like i'm useless if i am not prepared enough and have all the stuff i need... and recently i've noticed i've been a little bit irritable and i have problems going to sleep at night and problems staying awake during the day especially if i don't have anything to like fidget with and i've had some problems with paranoia before especially with really close friends of which i don't really have many... i actually have lost a lot of close friends because of my paranoia and recently my closest friend asked me to help him and i did but then i felt really bad because he and his boyfriend ended up having some problems because of it and i told him he didn't deserve me as a burden and that i was awful and i'd be better off alone because all i ever do is cause trouble and i tried really hard almost to convince him i was bad and evil and to get him to say i was bad and then i stopped talking to him for a while i even deleted my facebook and all sorts of stuff and then i was really depressed and i could barely leave my bed... he ended up taking me back as a friend because as he kept on saying he didn't think i was bad at all but i still feel like there's some stuff there now between us and it was all because of me and i'll often do extremely rash things like once i walked 22 miles into the mountains just because and i once tracked down an old friend and showed up unexpectedly at his door and it really freaked him out and i sprained my ankle a second time once jumping off of a third story balcony just to prove i could... i got bit by a spider of some kind once and i scratched at it and for a week the skin around it got more and more black and i didn't say anything until i couldn't feel my legs i got blood poisoning and the whole time i was more worried people would be annoyed at me for not saying anything and getting bitten i often feel very distant from myself and empty inside like none of it's real and this body isn't mine... i'm also very indecisive and i feel like i don't know who i am or what i like just last wednesday i ran into a barbed wire fence at first i saw the fence posts but not the wire but i didn't stop running even when i saw the wire and i'm all cut up from running straight into it knowing full well it was there and it got infected and swelled up and i didn't say anything until someone noticed and i really don't like change my grades have gotten pretty low recently and i've just been feeling too stressed about a lot of things and i worry so much that i won't be able to complete my classes that i get to freaked out to work on my classes i just... something is wrong with me and i have no idea...... i just... i hate myself... what is wrong with me

[denvajade]

Hi there you are suffering badly from anxiety and need to tell your doctor these things so he can help you. Do your parents know how you feel? Can you share it with them? I wish you well.

[maelisaaine in reply to denvajade]

no my parents do not know how i feel and i don't feel comfortable people things...