After almost 4 years I worked up the courage to ask my therapist if my derealization would ever go away and she kind of dodged the question. I've had other people in forums tell me they've had it for 20+ years. One therapist told me it was because I smoked weed in high school and after heavy smoking some people felt high for the rest of their lives. I can't take this feeling. It's the cause of all of my anxiety. I used to love life and never ever ever be stressed or anxious. I went out every day. I had so many friends that sometimes I couldn't get around to seeing them all in a week. I used to love to go for long walks by myself and think and just be in the sun and take everything in. I loved staying up all night out with my friends and getting breakfast at 4:30 a.m. and just being young and having fun. I loved going to parties that my family threw.
Now nothing feels real. Walking outside is too much for me and I get disoriented, confused and dizzy. Over the past three years I've lost most of my friends. My family doesn't really bother with me anymore. Everyone gave up on me. And I just feel numb to everything. All of my senses are so dull. I can barely watch movies or TV shows without getting anxious and confused. My vision is weird and dreamlike. I don't have a job and I don't go to school. I'm 20 years old. All I have left now is my boyfriend but our relationship is nothing like it used to be. He basically has to take care of me. Sometimes being around him scares me because I feel like I don't recognize him. Sometimes I can't even feel love.
I've tried so many medications and I've been in therapy for a long time. I've tried just ignoring it. I've tried eating healthier. Nothing works. I feel like my life is over. Some days my derealization is so bad I think I'm going to die from it or just disappear and some days I seriously wish I would. This is no life. I used to be such a happy person and now I have nothing. I'm never happy. I'm always just waiting for it to go away. I feel so so sad. I've cried about it so much that I can't cry anymore. It just isn't fair. I wish there was just a "cure" or something. Or medication specifically for derealization instead of just anxiety and depression. It seems like no doctor knows anything about it and no research is ever going to be done. I can't believe I ended up like this. I think I'm going to be stuck like this forever.
I don't even remember what it feels like to feel real.