Hello, these are going to be a lot of questions (to be really honest) and I don't even know where to start from. In these few last months i feel like i don't have motivation at all? Everytime there's something that needs to be done i just automatically say to myself that that isn't going to help me into anything and that maybe that is not important enough in my life. I actually want to do and enjoy the things i used to when i was young, like drawing. I'm currently an art student in high school and you know i like to draw but at the same time it's like i don't, i just don't feel motivated to do it and more like obligated because that's important.
Since i can actually think decently and for what i can remember through the years, i consider myself an introvert. But the thing is when i was young 4,5,6,7,8,... i remember being so energized, playing with every kid that was my age, talking to everyone (i used to be shy around older people) but then it's like i dramatically changed and turned into someone very quiet, reserved and that seems like has no energy. I feel anxious all the time for everything i do and its like im getting a bit paranoid and worry too much which is making it hard to concentrate lately, i zone out everytime. And going to school is literally killing a part of me inside everytime, don't get me wrong, i actually like school and learning (even if i'm not the best student), but just the thought of being close to all those 1000 students that make me feel constantly judged (i know maybe they aren't but i just can't stop feeling this way), and when there's this group that start laughing? Don't get me started but i always feel like i would prefer to jump the nearest window that keep thinking they're making fun of me. Basically i feel very uncomfortable and bad in public and also the part that even if i want to talk to someone outside my friends group i dont have the courage to do it.
I get constantly asked what i would like to do in the future, what to follow in university but i just don't have a answer for that. To be honest, sometimes i think i don't even know myself, i don't know what i really enjoy doing but im certain that music is something i really enjoy. Its literally what kind of keeps me going decently and feel well with no worries at all. I can't make even the smallest decisions without making a whole problem about it or just taking to much time. And i know this may not make sense but i actually don't think i am myself? All my thoughts, daydreams, dreams, it's me in there but at the same time not also me. It's someone that looks like me but kind of upgraded? I say that maybe that person is what i want to be not what i am and it makes me confused because when i think of myself i imagine that person and not what i see in the mirror?
The last thing/question is i always get those euphoric episodes (mainly before and after sleep) where i just feel so happy, like nothing bad could happen and start to interior scream or low voice scream (i dont know how to explain) but i also think that's a way i try to free my anger?
And everything mentioned is making me feel kind of empty and nothing to live life for. I know i shouldn't joke about this but sometimes i joke about killing myself like "i would prefer to die" and "someone could just shoot me".
Thank you if someone answers this, and sorry for my basic english and double sorry for this enormous text but i just have a lot of questions and i took the chance.