My long relationship with anxiety.

[Cerveny]

Me, myself and others:

I see my psychiatrist/therapist regularly but she's no help. The only reason I haven't switched her to someone else is because I know others are not any better and I'm tired of telling my whole life story to a new person. And the only reason I visit her is so I can escape from work for an hour..

My friends can empathise with me but they don't give original advice. And by original I mean something that's not from justgirlythings or inspirational wall stickers.

I am wise, I know answers to my own problems and I think I can control myself emotionally and change myself and the way I look at things and how I react to some situations if there is a need to do it.

And then anxiety and I (this is going to be looong text):

Hi, I am a 18 year old girl who comes from a... problem family so to say. My whole life I've waited my 18th birthday just to escape from my family. I don't know the word for this in English so I'm just going to write it like it is: I was sent to juvenile home (a place where problem kids stay for various reasons) but was sent back home because social workers thought I was better off at home (idiots...).

I was bullied in sixth grade but I think everyone was bullied at some point of their lives so I won't tell the details. Anyway long story short, one summer I was confessed that my best friend was talking shit about me. I felt sad but then I heard my other friend called me embarrassing and the way they acted towards me confirmed the rumors. It was ok at first but then it hit me. Something I did know of. It was so sudden and it spread like a cancer. My heart was beating and it felt like someone was squeezing the living shit out of me. It was like a hole was drilled in my chest, yet it felt so heavy. I spent every night crying and feeling like this plus I had only one friend after that who would use it against me. Like if I visited my dad (my parents are divorced) she would say "I guess I'm going to hang out with Jenny". "Ok, see you next week?". "I don't think I'm free next week...". "What if.. I told my dad I won't go?". "Then I'm free". < She would always threaten me like this. If I was not amusing her enough, she would say stuff like this or ignore me with other classmates.

Worst thing was I didn't know what anxiety was so I did not seek help. Once I told my mum I was lonely she slapped me and told me to not worry about stupid stuff like this. This was the beginning of my relationship with anxiety. I got so used to living with it, it became normal to me. In jr. High, everyday I would wait for it to disappear but it stayed with me. I thought I had a fear of loneliness and that the only way to cure it was to be with someone everyday. Though it did help me, if I was even one day without my friends I felt even worse. I had something. Fear of loneliness? Maybe, but now that I look back I had anxiety and depression of some sort.

When I became emotionally stronger, meaning I didn't blame myself of everything OTHERS did to me, I didn't please anyone anymore. I learned to say no, I learned different healthy responds to bad situations. I got wiser. Things were good for a while... but then life threw depression, anxiety, insomnia, suicidal thoughts and other problems at me. Half year ago I didn't even remember when was the last time I had a good day. Like I mentioned my psychiatrist was no help, she would just look at me like "what can I do about it?". But I would still visit her because I had other sh*t going on and wanted to escape work for an hour. (I was bullied at work too). By the way I never went to high school, I went to business college. I had this new fear: fear of growing up. Which came from work-bullying. I didn't want to become this "darned corporate slave" for others to pick on. If I were in school I would stand up for myself but I was too afraid because this company would affect my future after I graduate. This town is small and everyone knows each other some way or another. I didn't want the boss to tell others how "bad" my team work was so I was silent about the bullying.

After two-three different jobs I got more confident about the fact that not all coworkers are evil, things have been looking good for me. And I'm still trying to stand up to myself at work and so far so good. One morning I felt weird. I didn't have "blues" and I actually felt refreshed. It's like someone charged my "how long this person can take life" -battery and I just woke up and it was like a miracle. I thought I feel like living and I can do it. I've been holding on to that feeling until this day (It's not as easy as I make it sound, though).

This was a story of my relationship with anxiety. How I got it, how I lived with it and how I got over it. Well, I'm still getting over it. But the most important lesson I've learned in this journey was as cheesy as it sounds, to not give a sh*t about negative and cynical thoughts. Imagine it's a devil trying to poison you. Fight against it. If you feel like you have even a little bit light inside of you, grab it. Hold on to it and "grow" it with positive thoughts (btw positive =/= naiive) and not worrying about tomorrow or past. Everything is meant to lead you somewhere/some situation, no matter how shitty the result is it's not going to stay that way forever. You can help yourself by giving yourself a push though - change your perspective, the way you react to things and most importantly BE SELF-AWARE. Look at yourself in the mirror once in while. Improve yourself everyday because life tests you every once in a while, so be prepaired. Rather than bottling up your emotions, cry, learn to trust others or seek help. If you have a shitty teraphist like I do, meditate. Ask yourself questions "why does this make me sad" and get to know yourself.