i really can't convince myself the way I feel is anxiety. I could sit in my room and cry for a long time if I wanted. I just feel so physically knackered, I have no idea what this is. I try to tell myself that I only feel this way after panic and anxiety attacks, but it can last for days and I am so tired of people telling me to go to the doctor's as I have been six months ago and there was NOTHING. I'd asked her to double check for supplements and vitamin deficiencies, and she found nothing. Thyroid is perfect, bloodwork was great, as in "there's nothing even here to bother worth speaking about" because there was nothing. Urine was fine. Blood sugar fine. I've had my blood pressure tested twice since then and even during one time when I was anxious, it still was fine.
But then one word enters my brain.
It was fine THEN. what about NOW? What if there's something seriously wrong and I'm being forced to wait for the "climax?" People say to get blood work checked once more, but I cannot. I can't dish out cash at the moment for that. Sure, this only started after I was panicking over my stomach in October and the anxiety started again, but this information doesn't go into my head, as I'm basing everything off of how I feel now.
"Well I could tell it was anxiety then now. But what about now? I can't believe anxiety can do this."
"This person says they feel like they're dying because they're dizzy. My symptoms seem worse then theirs, so mine must be an actual medical problem."
I have health anxiety, but I don't have a fear of death. Ironically. I have a fear of no control and I cannot stand feeling so physically poorly. my mother keeps saying that it is anxiety and that no viruses have come up on anything. Everything is physically fine.
But then I want to go find a pillow and scream into it. My mother is a very attentive mother and we are very close, I'm not holding back, but she says she has anxiety and knows exactly how I feel. But again, that information is not going in.
I seem to reach the peek of feeling bad in the evening so every day, I dread the evening. So I don't know if I feel bad in the evening because I expect to, or because there is actually a problem. And it's not all the time. It usually goes away after a few days, IF IM CALM. but what if this keeps progressing into something really bad?
And if this helps, when I feel this way, I force myself to go on a walk and I don't feel worse after. If anything, I feel a bit better. I don't feel really tired after excercise, I feel either better or indifferent. I just can't differentiate, but I know how much my body can react, I'll see flashing lights when I close my eyes, panic, and then just recall that I was watching a bright video with that. Or I'll hear a ringing and be like, Oh my gosh, something is really wrong, only to find out that it's coming from the TV. I feel like Peeta, guys. Real or not real?