The underground - the new enemy

The positive side is that I know that I have anxiety. When I get anxious and episodes happen I am aware of it, although I do not understand why it's happening. It's if I am trying to sabotage my well being, all is good in life, no real stress at the moment, it's just me getting a bit funny.

I am not a big fan of heights, never have been, so most episodes happen when I am on a bridge or in a very tall building. I do tend to avoid those places, but it's not always possible. The episode itself means that I get really scared of falling, my legs tremble and my hands get really sweaty. Very uncomfortable situation.

My new enemy is the underground. For some very odd reason I get all panicky in the underground. And to get to work it's just 3 stations, less than 10 minutes. It's as if I need to get panicky, I am not afraid of riding in the underground, I don't think anything bad is going to happen. I am just anxious about the waiting.

So if I seat down, nothing happens, I am relaxed and I found out that reading a book distracts me. If I am standing up there's a chance an episode might happen. Basically my legs start shaking, my mouth gets dry and my hands get really sweaty. I try to distract my self, I have these beads and I keep counting them until I arrive. Last month the train stopped for 10 minutes in between situations, it was horrible, I felt so tired afterwards. My whole body was shacking but some how I managed.

I have been very determined to end this situation, because there is no reason for it to happen, and nothing ever happens nor will happen in the underground. The chances are really low. So I've been trying to calm myself down, I imagine anxiety as an object that I can put away, and things like that. But today as I was trying to come to grips with my anxiety I just couldn't enter the underground station. I really felt like I was not in control and that I couldn't manage being in the underground. So instead of taking the train I actually walked all the way to work. It really wasn't that bad, 40 minutes in nice weather.

Sort of feel like I lost the battle, but I also believe that being ashamed is worse. Just wish it would go away.

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  • HI' I KNOW YOUR CONCERNS ONLY TOO WELL' I TRY NOT TO BATTLE WITH "WHY" AS I THEN FIND MYSELF OBSESSSING ON THAT! EVEN FORUMS 'THOUGH THEY CAN HELP AND BE LIFE SAVERS FOR SOME MYSELF INCLUDED! I HAVE A OPEN MIND ABOUT THEM' SOMETIMES IT BRINGS ON MY ANXIETY JUST SEEING EMAILS AS I THINK IF YOUR DOING WELL IT CAN KICK START A ATTACK. I SPENT MANY YRS HOUSEBOUND AN 2YRS JUST IN MY ROOM ONLY LEAVING FOR THE BATHROOM'I ENDED UP BARRACADING MYSELF IN SOME DAYS AN SELF HARMING' ID GONE PARTIALY DEAF THROUGH IT FOR 8 YRS AN THROUGH ALL THIS I HAD A 4YR OLD AND 14YR OLD !! YES MY 14YR OLD LOOKED AFTER EVERYTHING AND MY 4YR OLD! NOW I DO STILL SUFFER BUT AFTER LOOSING ALL 6 CLOSEST MEMBER OF MY FAMILY IN THE NEXT 3YRS I HAD TO COME OUT AND BE THERE FOR THEM! THEY ONLY HAVE ME NOW'THERE STEP DAD ALSO DIED AND THIS I THINK PULLED ME AWAY FROM OBSESSING OVER THE CONSTANT WHYS AND IFS AND BUTS.IM SAYING TO YOU THAT SOMETIMES OUR LIVES SEEM STRESSLESS BUT ARE THEY FULLFILLED? THERES A DIFFERENCE' DO YOU HAVE LOVE AND HAPPINESS AND GOOD HEALTH A HAPPY FUTURE AHEAD AND ARE YOU GRATEFULL FOR YOUR LIFE. I STRUGGLE WITH MY HEALTH AND IT HAS MANY SANCTIONS ATTACHED'IT AFFECTS VIRTUALY EVERYTHING SO MAKES THINGS DIFFICULT.HOPEFULLY TRYING TO HELP OTHERS AS I TRY TO DO 'HELPS ME WITH MY OWN LIFE AS I DO LISTEN TO MY OWN ADVISE.MAYBE IMAGINE WHAT ADVICE YOUD GIVE IF IT WERE SOMEONE ELSE WITH YOUR STORY :) I HOPE THIS HELPS ATALL' TRY READING OR A PERSONAL STERIO WHEN YOUR STANDING UP' ANYTHING TO DISTRACT YOURSELF'FAVOURITE MUSIC MAYBE. LET US KNOW IF THIS HELPS :*) SORRY FOR CAPITALS I NEED NEW GLASSES!! T.C

  • Hi reggie :-) well done you trying to control your attacks..the biggest thing is knowing what it is when it happens and just trying to stay calm and focus on something else. A nice walk in the sun will blow some cobwebs away. Must admit I dislike the underground too... It's the enclosed space and fear of not being able to get out that worries me. I'd refuse totally to get on the underground. Keep positive thoughts :-)

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