The positive side is that I know that I have anxiety. When I get anxious and episodes happen I am aware of it, although I do not understand why it's happening. It's if I am trying to sabotage my well being, all is good in life, no real stress at the moment, it's just me getting a bit funny.
I am not a big fan of heights, never have been, so most episodes happen when I am on a bridge or in a very tall building. I do tend to avoid those places, but it's not always possible. The episode itself means that I get really scared of falling, my legs tremble and my hands get really sweaty. Very uncomfortable situation.
My new enemy is the underground. For some very odd reason I get all panicky in the underground. And to get to work it's just 3 stations, less than 10 minutes. It's as if I need to get panicky, I am not afraid of riding in the underground, I don't think anything bad is going to happen. I am just anxious about the waiting.
So if I seat down, nothing happens, I am relaxed and I found out that reading a book distracts me. If I am standing up there's a chance an episode might happen. Basically my legs start shaking, my mouth gets dry and my hands get really sweaty. I try to distract my self, I have these beads and I keep counting them until I arrive. Last month the train stopped for 10 minutes in between situations, it was horrible, I felt so tired afterwards. My whole body was shacking but some how I managed.
I have been very determined to end this situation, because there is no reason for it to happen, and nothing ever happens nor will happen in the underground. The chances are really low. So I've been trying to calm myself down, I imagine anxiety as an object that I can put away, and things like that. But today as I was trying to come to grips with my anxiety I just couldn't enter the underground station. I really felt like I was not in control and that I couldn't manage being in the underground. So instead of taking the train I actually walked all the way to work. It really wasn't that bad, 40 minutes in nice weather.
Sort of feel like I lost the battle, but I also believe that being ashamed is worse. Just wish it would go away.