Please advice needed, my daughter has been dumped by boyfriend

She is 27 years old and suffers from anxiety, depression and has a very terrible addictive personality. She lived about 80 miles away with her 2 dogs and worked with b/friend as a lap dancer, he is manager of the club. That is how they met. I couldn't stop her choosing this line of work and honestly thought she'd grow out of it after a few months but she didn't and has now been doing dancing for 8 yrs. she had a coccaine habit when she arrived back home 2 days after being dumped. She left her dogs their with the Ex. She is distraught with anxiety because she loves and misses them both she owned before she met her ex. I cannot have her live with me because I too am ill with anxiety/depression/ill health and controlled by a lot of medication, so selfishly I told my mum she has to look after her. My mother is amazing woman but at 77yrs old and anniversary of my fathers passing today 5 years has started my depression and anxiety off very very badly, I've stopped eating, talking face to face with people that's why I am holding out to anyone on here that can offer me some words of comfort anything. I am married to husband of 11 yrs not her father. My husband doesn't like her, said she is manipulating and lazy. This of course really hurts my feelings.

We have our own problems because I also have fibromyalgia and Ulcerative Colitis/Crohns Disease this has ruined a certain part of our marriage.

Please someone help me I cannot stop thinking about my girl, her future her missing her dogs. My mother cannot help as she lives in flat. She is still dancing back here from my mums flat. No secrets all honest and pays her tax and insurance but said she doesn't have any other way of working to get deposit together to find a bedsit and have her dogs back with her again. Today she had a meltdown hysterical crying I had to hang up the phone. What sort of a mother am I. Letting my elderly mother take care of her. Even though my mum has said many times she can cope. In the past 2 weeks she is clean from coccaine since living with her nan. Unbelievable progress. But why O why do I feel such guilt, anxiety and sadness. Please someone give me hope

6 Replies

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  • HI Lottie xx SOrry to hear about your daughter although I am not really sure as to what advice to give there as I dont want to interfere x I am not a drugs counsellor or know anything of them either but I would assume that taking drugs would make anxiety a lot worse so the need for more will over ride x She needs to seek medical help asap on this one. It is completely normal for anniversary of passing etc can trigger anxiety but it will as always pass by x Also being under stress will not be helping anxiety x Try to keep calm and maybe speak to your own gp about some counselling etc. I remember speaking to you once before about your husband leaving you , i see this has now changed and you remain together ?? Glad to here this but the pressure of him not liking your daughter will not help x I really think if she has a drugs problem and such she needs to be seeking help as its unfair on all of you x Donver x

  • Hi

    You feel those things because you are her Mum & when they are hurting we hurt to !

    Sometimes & this is the hard one they get to an age where we are limited to what we can do & if we have our own problems it makes it even more difficult & been honest & saying I can't cope is one of the hardest things as a Mum you like to hear yourself say but sometimes it is how it is but you must not feel guilty even though I know this is easier said than done

    Reading about your daughter I am wondering if her relationship was a healthy one

    I take it he may have been taking cocaine or certainly wasn't helping her stop her habit & she has done very well been free for 2 weeks & so some how & maybe even knowing she is near you might have had an influence on that , try & keep focused on the positives no matter how small they are

    Also when we take drugs what seems appealing substance free we can eventually see things differently & in time she hopefully will look back & see that this was not the right relationship for her

    I know you can't have her living with you but you have the internet could you look up some support groups for her in your area , maybe employment groups , or courses to learn a different career maybe , she may feel this is the only thing she can do but if she had something else to focus on a new start she might see a whole new future & be able to let go a little easier of the past , she could carry on dancing as well as doing a course in something else

    It is never easy when any relationship ends no matter what the circumstances so she is going to have to go through the emotions & maybe when the dust has settled her dogs might be something that could be sorted out at a later date , tell her if she can to stay in the day , the more time she gets behind her been drug free the stronger she will get

    Of course the most important thing she will need is a GP if she has not already got one in the area that again is something that you may be able to help her with ?

    We can always do something maybe not the big grand gestures we would like to but it can be those little things we can do that can help the most

    Hope you get some more advise that might be more help :-)

    Love

    whywhy

    xxx

  • Hi Whywhy,

    Your response has really made me feel much better, I honestly mean that. She is registered with my mums GP as she is living with her. My mum is the most amazing lady ever. Nothing shocks her, nothing gets to her. She just keeps telling it will all work out ok soon. She has a qualification in Youth Worker NVQ and wants to continue down that route of work, so yes you're right getting out of that seedy lifestyle and ex b/friend will eventually work out. It's just my own guilt and anxiety attached to it all that is getting in the way of me eating, sleeping, thinking etc. thank you SO much for your reply.

  • Hi

    Sounds like underneath all this your daughter is a very intelligent young women & I would imagine as she has had a few life experiences a long with her qualifications she would be a excellent Youth Worker , I would as much as I could keep dropping subtle hints to peruse it :-)

    Your Mum sounds a great women to & that is a positive that she is about to support your daughter :-)

    When you feel this guilt say to yourself am I doing all that I can do , don't compare yourself to anyone else & what they can do we are all individuals but I find that as long as I am doing my best in whatever situation I should not feel guilty because that is all we can ask of ourselves :-)

    I have just read you are back at work tomorrow , while you have been giving yourself a tough time over the situation with your daughter have you given yourself some praise for getting yourself in a position where you have found the strength to return to work despite all you suffer with , maybe you are more like your Mum than you think because that takes some strength & I wish you all the best for tomorrow :-)

    xxx

  • Wow what a fab response. She is an intelligent girl, just no confidence. Saying that she gets up on a stage in front of unknown men and dances for them. I could never ever do it let alone strangers for money, she has very strong morals and has only ever had 6 boyfriends. Thank you SO much for all your words it certainly has made me feel a touch better about the whole situation and I honestly mean that.

    Have a nice evening many huge thanks x

  • Hi Donver,

    I do remember chatting with you online and things at home have settled, enough to be able to continue living together. He has a lot to cope with and I have now recovered from my recent operation of gallbladder removal.

    Back to work for me tomorrow and I never thought I'd say this but I'm really looking forward to it.

    Daughter says she has stopped the drugs as my mum her nan, is Very strict. I just feel so guilty that I can't cope with her, never could when she was a child so,nothing changed.

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