My social problems (this turned out to be a bit of a novel, sorry!)

Hey guys :) I'm new here and a bit unsure of things, I guess I'm just posting this in the hopes that someone might read it, and maybe they can take something from it! I've had social issues since I was young, I remember hating nursery, hating those kids clubs your parents put you in when you went on holiday, hating any kind of activity group like swimming or gymnastics (both of which I attended and recall becoming frequently upset, to which the instructor would try to convince me to stay), and generally looking to avoid any kind of situation that would require me to be around other kids.

Both primary school and high school were pretty much the same story, I would befriend one person and stick with them as long as they would let me, I always got picked last for gym class, my report cards would say I was TOO QUIET, and when asked what animal my classmates would describe me as, a definite 95% would respond 'a mouse'. I'd like to think my classmates quite liked me though, I tried to be nice to them and they were certainly always nice to me! I was later told by one fellow student that I was 'probably the most genuine person in the year', to which I would reply a simple 'thanks', when really, it brought a tear to my eye and a tremendous sense of appreciation and acceptance that I have not forgotten to this day!

The problem I faced throughout these years was that I just didn't know how to be around people. A friendly 'hello' was the most I could manage, so people wouldn't invest the time and effort to get to know me. I can't blame them, and I'm not trying to, I wish that I could have been a figure in their high school experience! I become very attached to the people I'm around, I hope they all go on to do great things and have great lives, and I know when they look back at the yearbook they'll flick past my face in a second, and they'll never imagine all the luck I've wished for them.

Four years on, after the college route of a jellyfish, here I am, 21 years old and making a conscious effort to understand my problems. I read philosophical books. I watch videos of Youtubers I feel closer to than my own friends. I still speak better to paper than people. For the past 18 months I have attended a film discussion group in the hopes of becoming more sociable. These groups have become the only reason I want to get through the remainder of every month. They are the only time I feel like I'm actually a part of something, but in all my time there I can't have spoken 3 sentences.

It has occurred to me though that I am not the only one. I'm not the only one who feels crippled when they're told the class has a presentation in four weeks. I'm not the only one who feels completely unfulfilled because of their anxiety. Yesterday I started a new course in a new college. Someone walks over to me and starts a friendly chat. My voice trembles. I feel my cheeks burning. My mind has gone blank. I have no words in my head. I know this person is looking at me thinking 'why is she blushing? Why isn't she speaking?'. The voice in my head tells me to get away from this person as quickly as possible. I hurry away when I can, and I'm positive the person now thinks I'm strange and arrogant. This is not new to me. I'm sick of hearing 'oh, if you don't talk to people you won't get anywhere in life'. Well that's exactly where I am, I haven't been successful so far. I'd love to love company. I just prefer my own...

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6 Replies

  • Hello Pandora & welcome :)

    What an eloquent post, no wonder you're in college!

    Well if you've read any of the other blogs here I'm sure you'll know that you're not alone.

    I have the opposite problem to you, when meeting new people I can't get my mouth to stop :D Trust me, it's just as bad, I see their eyes glaze over & think, 'Stop Talking' but no, the mouth keeps going.

    I'm sure others will be along soon to say hello & do keep talking. If nothing else it helps to know you're not the only one.


  • Thank you for taking the time to read my post! It's much appreciated! It really is comforting to know that there are others out there who can relate! x

  • Hi and welcome Pandora. I can associate with what your saying here I have always struggled in social situations. Mine stems from lack of self confidence. It has always taken me a while to open up and feel comfortable with new people. This has improved as I've gotten older and more assured with the person I am. I know how hard it can be when your mind just goes blank when someone you don't know talks to you and then all you can manage is something that resembles hello. Just wanted to respond and say your not alone I'm feeling like this. You've joined a great blog full of supportive people. Hope you're well :)

  • Thank you so much for reading my post! It's great to find a place where people understand these things! x

  • Hi Pandora

    Welcome to the site :-) like the previous poster said many of us on here suffer from various forms

    of anxiety with many weird & wonderful symptoms, so we can

    empathise with and relate to your post. Although I dont have social anxiety (i have panic disorder) I

    have a sister who does and she has some of the same issues as you, fear of meeting people, severe blushing, the mouse persona etc she too has said that this was something that started in v. early childhood. She is currently on meds and has recently been on a course of CBT therapy and got involved in a support group all of which seemed to have helped her become a bit more confident So there is help out there :-) just wanted to add that your deff not alone in your condition and I hope that you find this wee site informative, supportive and helpful. Take care

    Dixie x

  • Hi Dixie! Thanks for taking the time to read my post! I'm glad I've found a place where people can relate to these problems! x

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